whoa?! wth? sequel!? how’m i sposta compete?
Flash Fiction / NanoFiction Challenge
Kurt savored every second of this. He’s a tough marine. He had done this before. He knew what he had to do. Adrenaline was pumping. Just holding the thing in his hand filled him with steely-eyed anticipation. He longed to empty its contents. Semper Fi! WOO HAA!
Ninety EIGHT bottles of beer on the wall…
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CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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ROFL. i love these flash fiction pieces. i think you and jweeb have something going here :) great twist
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jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
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“Ninety-nine, one hundred. Perfect!” Stephen crowed, sliding the last bottle in place. The remodeling of his basement was complete: the freshly-poured concrete floor, the shelving containing his prized collection of bottles, the deodorizer plugged into the wall, all clean, beautiful, completely new. He hoped that under the concrete the body would not start to smell.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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55 words is difficult; I have done them myself. Go here for examples: http://www.birdandmoon.com/55words/.
POV: The distant voice makes this slide between 3rd person limited and 3rd person omniscient. i.e., “He’s a tough marine”. Who’s saying this?
CHARACTER: Not much here to get a sense of Kurt and what his conflict is. Nor anything to get a grasp on why Kurt is important.
SETTING: None.
PLOT/THEME: No real plot here. Kurt had done “something” before and knew “what” he had to do, and then fired a gun. Kurt savoured “something”. We need to know what that is, otherwise it dangles, even in 55 word fiction. The 98 bottles of beer on the wall is disjointed. There is no transition explaining its purpose to the story. There is no character development or conflict resolved.
STRUCTURE: What might help is to tighten this up so you can add some additional words to flesh out the story and character. You have a passive voice here, relying too much on the passive “to be” verb and the passive “linking verbs”, i.e., “He’s” is “is”, and “was”, for passive “to be”, and “he knew”, “he longed”, for linking verbs. “[F]illed” is a passive verb. Past perfect “had” could be changed. “of this” and “steely-eyed” adds nothing.
Good luck with it.
TheSatch reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad. I didn’t find myself surprised or shocked at all by the last line, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. However, I think with a little work the last sentence could be more of a twist.
evath reviewed Version 1 -
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“98 bottles of beer on the wall?????”
“Okay… Question,” Mary continued. “Could you sing something ELSE?”
“Who’s next?”
“Damn! How’m I supposed to know whose next? Has someone taken that last line and run with it? Must I reinvent the wheel?”
She wiped her greasy hands on her coveralls.
“C’mon!!! Who took the #^(@%$ lug-nuts?!!!
Gunsaku reviewed Version 1 -
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William loves training marine snipers. Strengths to develop, weaknesses to minimize. Kurt, big, tough, allows appetites to overshadow battle-readiness. Reflections in a mirror, Kurt grabbed a Budweiser, William his sidearm. Open bottle, safety off, raise, squeeze. Semper Fi! Boom! Splash! WOO HAA!
Before Kurt could drop the shattered bottleneck, William was under new cover.
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