Flash Fiction / The Peril Of Daryl And Cheryl

A decent short clip. I think it should be “fell in love and got married” not, “and were married.”

Also you contradict yourself. At the end it says she got what she wanted. But right afterward you said she doesn’t always get what she wants. Maybe you should exclude the line “Cheryl got what she wanted” as the third line to the very end.

a very darkly funny piece. my favorite. and the allusion to Goofus and Gallant is a genius caricature. it’s also in the spirit of Dick and Jane, i think. a very psychologically satisfying piece in terms of the law of return. it’s almost like when the creators of bugs bunny made bugs the victim from the beginning so when the audience saw bugs tease elmer fudd, they would feel that justice was being paid rather than abuse. exellent work.  

it was quite funny, but its to stop start, the concept is funny and true, but it would be much better if you were able to make it flow a bit better, i understand that its only 54 words so i rated you highly good job.

This is really great; I love the clear shift of luck & affluence from Cheryl to Daryl. The one thing I would change is to make “Steve with his wife” into “Cheryl with Steve” because “his wife” kind of throws off the rhythm of always referring to the characters by their names.

I thought this piece was humorous. The note from the reviewer was needed for me to understand it, though. I had a subscription to Highlights magazine as a child and remember it being very child oriented, so the tone of Daryl and Cheryl was amusing in contrast to Goofus and Gallant. Good work

I’m kind of underwhelmed. Perhaps there’s something I’m missing because I don’t know what Goofus & Gallant is but separate from that, people look to flash fiction for a big bang in very little space. I don’t think this has that foundation in place and as a result, it didn’t quite connect with me. The only thing I can say I appreciated was the kid’s fable tone it had. Almost as if the characters were being played by animals. It outlines that bad things happen to bad people the same way you would explain it to a child. That may not sound like a compliment, but it is.

Seems a bit cliche, and does not seem like a flash fiction piece, more like a “grown up” version of a nursery rhyme or dr. seuss-ish piece.

This is cute. I think, though, because it is so short, it held my interest. I suggest to make it longer, lengthen the descriptions and go into the lives of Cheryl and Daryl more so we can care more for Daryl. The idea is nice. =]

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January 02, 2008

by Rupert

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
151	78.6% (42 votes)	13.6%

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27	M	Crescent City, CA	May 22

As it is an attempt at flash fiction, the piece is not supposed to be any longer than 55 words. It would be a fun story to pursue for a longer piece, but the tightness of this style of writing is what I wanted to pursue

January 02, 2008

by MoulinCool

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285	73.3% (45 votes)	32.7%

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19	F	Littleton, NH	January 07

And you have done a splendid job at that. =]

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I like it. Four less words and it would have almost qualified as “nanofiction”. It says you have 59 words right now. You have characters, a conflict and complications as well as a resolution. This almost reads like a “see Spot run” but in a good way. I like it. Great job. The twist at the end of role reversal about who always got what they wanted was priceless!

Submit to Flashquake – I know there are other ezines that would look at it.

I reviewed this. Did you double post?