Poetry / Your Hair Better Than Mine

To be honest, this is a very bitter poem and it makes me uncomfortable reading it, which I am sure was your intention in the first place.

There are a few lines that are a little unclear to me.
They break up the eloquence of your work, but maybe that was intentional to remind of your heritage or maybe they are merely colloquialisms?

For instance:
“people seeing her better than me”. The word better seems a bit out of place her unless you mean, that people see her your better?

“Black folks gushing” feels  ”pouty” rather than the anger and anguish the rest of the text. (Uhm I hope this makes sense…)

“like they do you.” is missing an about, as the sentence as it stands has a meaning to it that I am not sure you had intended to give it…

Overall, the intent of you work is clear as day and thus, well done!

I really liked this.  Interesting piece that kind of opens the eyes to those not of color.  Keep up the great writing.  Good bless.  I look forward to reading more from you.

A wonderful, touching piece. Though it depresses me a little to read, thinking about the ignorance and prejudices that still exist.

“with her smooth soft light skin”  - These words are so typical to use when describing a persons flesh. “smooth, soft” ... Porcelain, maybe?

Great job. I liked the way this flowed. I could feel the emotions really clearly. The anger and the jealousy and the hurt. To be pushed aside by someone for their skin colour espcially when they are related to you. The lines “greatful should I/fighting to love you” didn’t seem to make sense. Thanks for sharing.  

Wow! So full of jealousy, envy, and animosity. Yet, at the same time, so sad and sorrowful.  It has a great, steady flow.  It’s like that sibling rivalry/ jealousy.  It was as if my own siblings were talking to me through your writing.  Things I have heard in my teenage years.  Honest and truthful. I enjoyed it!

You’ve got some outstanding language in here, and it pierces to the heart. “People seeing her better than me”; mom was “darker than the coal [we used] when the gas ran out.”  (This line in particular is powerful because it shows me both the light-skin dilemma as well as the poverty of the conditions.)

There are a few places you can make this stronger.  ”running their hands through her hair” SHOWS us how people are reacting to your sister; in the very next line, though,  you TELL us how people are reacting to you:  ”despising me/like I don’t exist.”  Poetry especially needs to be all about showing.  Instead of that telling line, why not something like, “I tell you my stories, but you will not look me in the eye.”  Something like that:  SHOW me the isolation you feel when you’re in that setting, like you’ve shown me how they react to your sister.  Convert all those telling lines – “I am the one left out” – to showing lines – “The door closes behind me/I am invisible in the blackness of the night/not shining like her.”  (I’m offering suggestions of showing; you have your own voice for the words you choose.)

This is heartfelt, lovely, sad.  Thank you for sharing it with us.

Very, very good. I really felt this like a punch in the gut. I like to be punched in the gut from time to time when I’m reading. Thank you. Why do you have “Blackman” as one word? A name, a play on a name? just curious.

I think it’s bold to write this piece and to post it here for peer review. I do appreciate the honesty and the style of the piece adds to the authenticity. Best wishes!