Haiku/Senryu / Thin to Win

Very insightful senryu.

Two thoughts: drop and, add “stress”;
colon after cigarettes

Good stuff.  Thanks.

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January 12, 2008

by Elron

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32	M	Wilmington, NC	November 07

I like your ideas. “and” sounds like unnecessary filler that was placed there thoughtlessly to make seven syllables. “stress” makes for clever wordplay. I’ve never been able to correctly place a colon or semicolon where it should be. Mucho GrassyAss

January 12, 2008

by ThomasAlan

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57	M	State College, PA	December 02

de nada

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I agree with every word, wouldn’t change anything.

This is very simple, yet profound. tens to you.

There is a lot here in these few syllables.
So many individuals afraid to live life on their terms of actually accepting self. This certainly creates thought.
It has meaning and, it connects to so many.

The first line let me know something was amiss. There is no such thing as a successful diet. All three lines are tightly strung together, but the last line gives us a surprise. Very clever.

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January 02, 2008

by Elron

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Thanks for the nice review, onlywish.

January 12, 2008

by onlywish

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You are welcome.

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“Mother’s little helpers” are temporary fixes and do nothing to fill the emptiness. Very nice.

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January 02, 2008

by Elron

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32	M	Wilmington, NC	November 07

Thanks for the feedback, ScottBJohnson.

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I really like this poem.  It is very accurate and insightful for what is to come for women who take diet pills and smoke to lose weight.

This makes sense and I follow the thinking,
but I was not really much inspired by it.
Just my particular p.o.v.
It seems to say what it needs to
to get its point across – no more, no less.
I guess it beats counting calories and
running around the block.
but it seems rather pointless…
more like a limerick ;-P
just my humble opinion.
;-)

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January 02, 2008

by Elron

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Self esteem issues, and an eating disorder pointless? I thought that was one of the biggest problems young women face today.
I do appreciate your opinion though. Thanks for the review.

January 03, 2008

by evath

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I wouldn’t say and didn’t say that self-esteem
and body-concept issues are not of great import.
But your piece just pointed out the obvious
offering no solution, which was why I said it was pointless ;-)))
Anyway, that doesn’t mean I throw out all your other works
merely because I don’t care for one_~~

E

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Stress diet cannot be beat. I’d like to see a more fitting title – starved for affection?

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January 02, 2008

by Elron

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I like your title, and I’ll definitely keep it in mind.

January 03, 2008

by jweeble

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39	F	Falls Creek, PA	February 18

:) thanks

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Why does her poor heart ache? Because she’s stressed it out? Because she doesn’t measure up? Because she’s let herself down again? I think there’s definate dimension with this haiku. I’m not sure I would use the hyphen in he first line.