A mite drowned from one single tear drop. The whole idea was that we would think of a tear drop of being harmless, but to a mite it would seem like an ocean.
Haiku/Senryu / Cry
Didn’t mean to kill
when she drowned the little mite,
one single tear drop
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Smintboyuk reviewed Version 1 -
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Is this literally about drowning a microscopic organism with a tear drop? I like the idea, but it didn’t move me.
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NatashaTragedy reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmm..very creative. I like the way that you put this.
Interesting.
haikudo reviewed Version 1 -
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You have a knack for the profound.
filbert reviewed Version 1 -
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one single is nothing to worry about
this could have one of many different meanings; I have one in my mind.
that means it connected in some strange way
for me, you do not need caps
ThomasAlan reviewed Version 1 -
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A haunting, disturbing senryu.
Crits: a colon would be better than a comma; mite is too vague in some ways, but that may also be an advantage…...but I’d still like to know what/who was drowned; I understand your defense of “one single,” but if you dropped single you could have two good syl. to be more specific and visual/emotional.
Good stuff.
Rupert reviewed Version 1 -
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This is okay, but the ambiguity of what the little mite could be kills the poem. Readers will assume that it means a mother and her baby, but there is no assurance, literary proof that it is a mother and her child. It does create a disturbing and vivid picture in ones mind. I would re-write it, with the same premise, but in a way that clearly shows a mother’s remorse after drowning her child.
The word drowns implies that was the purpose in the first place, so it doesn’t work with the first line of the piece. One single tear drop, would be more powerful with just: A single tear drop. All in all the piece is so contradictory that it doesn’t work. You definitely have an outline, but this does not work as a complete piece.
evath reviewed Version 1 -
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You follow form, but I didn’t get it.
What is a little mite? do you mean like a bed mite?
I barely followed the piece, so I couldn’t tell you what,
if any, changes to make.
This did not quicken any feeling in me beside confusion.
Thanks for putting yourself out here!!!!
blujohn reviewed Version 1 -
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I feel that (A) instead of (one) would seem more appropriate. A tones it down whereas one seems to strong and pushy. A also seems to fit the whole better, but that is only my opinion, Luck!
P.S. I am not to sure if that even fits haiku, but I know very little about it.
septemberchild reviewed Version 1 -
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Cute. Yeah, I don’t like the “one single” phrase perhaps you could rephrase as “with one fat tear drop” or soemthing like instead – just an idea.
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