Poetry / Worthy

Are my thoughts worthy of time,
Do they even add up to a dime.
I’m justified in my self-rightous beliefs
But, how can I say I’m right,
When I havn’t even won the fight.

I feel better than myself today,
I Love myself today.
Not like yesturday,
When I was wasting away.

I know where I’m going
And I won’t back down.
You cannot keep me on the ground.
You think your twisted mind is better,
When there’s nothing more hollow than your innocense.

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Reviews

March 14, 2008

evath

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
322	87.0% (69 votes)	67.5%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Miami, FL	November 29

evath reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

There was something disjointed about the poem.
I read through it twice silently
and then again out loud
and still it sounded disconnected and lacked flow.
The work starts sounding like someone with emotional/psychological issues,
i.e., self-esteem issues.
But then ends like a rebels war cry
and I found it hard to reconcile this obvious disparity.
If you want to leave it as it is,
maybe you could change the name to
A Multiple’s Lament.
OTherwise, I would go back and make the symmetry of the work
more palpable and detectable.
Also take out extraneous words that are filler and don’t further
the work at all.
I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but because this lacked sophistication or grasp of poetry motion/flow it sounded more like
a message you’d leave on someone’s answering machine than poetry.
Please do not be offended, this needs work and could be good
but you need to develop your sense of motion, meter and delivery.
If you dance well, and have rhythem, you will know what I mean.

add/view comments (2)

April 15, 2008

by Darkechos13

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
10	100.0% (3 votes)	27.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
26	M	Jackson, MI	July 02

personal info reviewer stats

Yes, I know the poem is very abrupt in it’s self. The self-esteem issue’s and the rebel war cry are both parts of my personality. I have read and re-read and revised it this so many times and nothing seems to work for me. I’m thinkning I need to scrap it entirely and start over with it. Thanks.

April 15, 2008

by evath

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
322	87.0% (69 votes)	67.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	Miami, FL	November 29

personal info reviewer stats

Well, before scrapping it altogether, I would go back through it
and look at it with an eye for recycling and don’t throw the baby out
with the bath water.
Take whatever you feel works and means what you want it to mean.
Personally, I feel the poem is too short to get across both aspects
of your personality.
Perhaps what is wrong with this is that it doesn’t have ENOUGH lines. ;-)
Perhaps you need to ‘beef it up’ a bit.
A few more verses to get to that rebel battle cry!
Anyway, that is my advice, take it, or leave it ;-p

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