Poetry / Desolation & First Tastes

There is an unfamiliar face
Hidden between my thighs
She is crying, mascara spilling
She does not know I adore her desolation
She is me in another form
A new model
Improved, but an addict to broken puzzles
“What’s wrong?”
There is not enough of you for me to love
I have been searching
It is too obscure
My heart is a vagrant
Searching for new styles of instability
She is full of passion
Full of me
And really I just want her to stay
And to speak to me
Of all that exists that she cares for
All that does not that she craves for
All that destroys that she hates for
“Come up here, darling
Let’s speak, now, face to face
I don’t know who you are
But I know now that I should
Read me every piece of you.
I will not make you happy
I will fuck up beyond belief
But I already love you too much to let you go.”
She wiped her mouth with the back of her delicate hand
Then she turned both hands towards her
And smoothed the tears from off her face
New tears sat undecided beside her eyes
A voice of quiver
Eyes of passion
She cracked her voice in saying,
“I knew I loved you from first taste.”

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Reviews

December 28, 2007

shadow_words

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
46	80.0% (10 votes)	23.1%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
24	F	Houston, TX	December 03

shadow_words reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I can only get a glimps of the emotion you are trying to get across.
The overall piece needs cleaning up. Not the idea, the presentation. It has a good base though I must admit.
Punctuation is seriously needed, if that was added I think it would be easier to “see” what you are trying to show me.
Try spacing it out. Force the reader to see the lines or words that mean something to you. That you feel make the poem.
You do have a talent worth forming. Keep it up.

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December 28, 2007

hypocrasis

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
52	60.0% (5 votes)	15.1%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	Boone, NC	January 17

hypocrasis reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is a good read. The last line is good. I like how the poem flows. I can’t think of much more to say, because you described a moment in pretty good detail, without going off on tangents or leaving things undescribed. A line was awkward, “Read me every piece of you.” Other than that, it’s good.

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December 28, 2007

fuzznuts81

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
51	50.0% (2 votes)	24.7%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	F	Louisville, KY	January 06

fuzznuts81 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Nice… I like the blunt nature yet the flow and imagery is still away from ordinary. However the last line is a little familiar. I would suggest finding a different way to end this—the payoff isn’t big enough for me. But lovely overall.