Poetry / The Hearts Decay

  
  Well sir,
You give me inspiration.The only thing I would take a stab at, and I’m the worst at this,would be to experiment with different meter.I remember reviewing one of yours a while back and liking it well enough but, this is so much more mature and satisfying.Looking forward to your next,your friend,Halebop

this was beautiful.  and i feel where you come from, or dont come from.  very deep.

the beginning starts off great. very fresh imagery. conveying the feeling/emotion very well. now i apologize for posting an excerpt but it’s trying to help you flow better:
don’t repeat so much, for one thing.

It splits, a phoenix risen from the flames of thought
Ashes cast out to sea in loves release
Love is dead, like roses left to wither in days embrace
Like the hope I cradled in my youth
Lustre screaming from eyes that never shed tears
Kitchen sink misery praying for martyrdom in love
Speak if I could, weep if I wanted, killed for self-indulgence
Frail with the afterglow of a life I never craved nor cared for
I am old now in body, yet young in heart and mind
Were only my heart so young when I needed it
These cold, tear-stained ramblings you would not find

i edited the end by cutting out unnecessary words.  it’s a good poem. you can leave it if you want, but try to stay away from unnecessary words in your poetry. so, and, but, repetitive lines, in some cases…..should be avoided….at times. i know it’s vague. it wouldn’t be poetry if it wasn’t vague. ;)

Really liked your poem… really tight and quite lucid… especially enjoyed the passage, “Kitchen sink misery praying for martyrdom in love”

Great job.

I loved this poem.  I was totally able to identify with the emotions in it.  It seems like it’s somewhat random but at the same time the disjointedness adds to it because it reflects the disjointed emotions that are being portrayed.  The only constructive criticism I could give would be to split it up into verses.  I only say this because, to me, poetry is easier to digest when you split different thoughts or ideas into definite verse structure.  Other than, it was great!

Again, I find that another has been so cruely impelled by the trappings of love. Any one who reads even one line of this piece can come to see that. It is not fair though. That one person’s life long story of love can be reduced down to seventeen lines of poetry, but you do it so admirably that each transition flows perfectly into the tradgic path upon which you write. Kudos