Thanks for reviewing. There should soon be an explanation for what the Familiar/Ryu is… if I can ever get it written out correctly. As to the ‘troubles’ thing, yeah, your way works. Maybe I should change the ’...’ to italics?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Mercy's Price Chapter 2
The Familiar rested his head against the cold glass of the girl’s car window. Claire, she’d called herself. He studied his benefactor out of the corner of his eyes while she concentrated on the road.
She had shoulder-length, wavy brown hair haphazardly tied back from her face with an elastic band. Her eyes were green. Not dark like his own, but bright and innocent. She looked to be about twenty years old. In his time she’d have been almost middle aged, but by current standards she was only barely adult.
He ran a finger over the bandages she’d put on his chest. The soft gauze was already showing dark red blood soaking through. It should have been healing, but he was too drained. He didn’t have long. He looked at Claire, realizing he should say something. She was trying to help him, so he should tell her there was no point.
He opened his mouth to speak, but a bright blue light caught his attention. He saw the sign for the local hospital, and realized he’d been tricked. He glanced at the girl out of the corner of his eyes, and reached for the door handle. With his other hand, he reached for his seatbelt. He could not risk being taken to the hospital. There was a chance H’Gan would look for him there. Also, the doctors would be certain to notice certain discrepancies about his person and ask uncomfortable questions.
Claire noticed either his sudden movement or the click of the door lock.
“What are you doing?” she asked, her left hand punching a button on her own door. The lock under the Familiar’s hand clicked back into the ‘locked’ position. He tugged at it uselessly.
“I said no hospital,” he said, “I meant it.”
“We’re driving at 45 miles per hour,” Claire protested.
“I do not care.”
“Okay, okay,” Claire said, keeping her hand on the ‘door lock’ button, “No hospital. I’ll drive straight to the twins’ townhouse. I swear. Just sit still.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m pretty sure diving out into traffic can only further ruin your night.”
“No. Why do you care what I do? My troubles are not yours.”
“I’ll decide what ‘troubles’ are mine.” Claire’s voice held a slight bite of sarcasm on the word troubles.
“You don’t know me. I could be a criminal, or a monster.”
“You’re awfully small to be a monster. Do you have fangs?”
The Familiar stared at her, momentarily stunned into silence. Was she mocking him? No. There was a warm light in her eyes as she glanced at him while she paused the car at an intersection. She was joking, teasing him. It had been ages since he’d been teased, at least by someone who only meant to make him smile.
He tried to humor her with a smile, now that she’d passed the hospital turn off. He saw his face in the dark glass and gave up the attempt at once. With the bruise on the side of his face and the blood from his hairline, he looked pretty bad. He wasn’t even sure where the blood came from. Had he cut his head sometime, or had he wiped a bloody hand over his face? He didn’t remember and it probably didn’t matter that much anyways.
“Here we go,” Claire said. She turned the car into the driveway of one of a half dozen identical townhouses after a few minutes of driving.
“Won’t your friends be unhappy about you bringing a small monster to their house so late?”
“Oh, they won’t mind. They’ve never met a monster before.”
She climbed out of her door, closed it, and walked around to his side. The Familiar looked up at her as she opened the door and offered her hand. He hesitated, and then accepted the help. He wasn’t sure he could have walked on his own.
He leaned on her shoulder as she walked up the short pathway to three concrete stairs. Somehow she got him up onto the stoop without resorting to carrying him, though it was a near thing. He leaned against the brick wall to the left of the door while she rang the doorbell.
There was a lengthy pause, and then the door cracked open.
“Claire?” The person inside the house asked.
“Yeah. It’s me. I brought a guest. Mind if we come in?”
“Claire, it is almost one in the morning.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday, and it’s an emergency.”
The door opened further, revealing a young man roughly Claire’s age. He had short-cropped blond hair and brown eyes. He wore a green flannel shirt over torn blue jeans, and stood slightly slouched over. If he stood up straight he’d be a head taller than either Claire or the Familiar.
“You okay?” he asked. The Familiar could not mistake the honest concern in his voice.
“I am, but he’s not.”
“He who?”
Claire nodded to the side. The Familiar tried to stand straight and failed miserably. What little spike of energy had carried him this far was long spent; now he just wanted to curl up and rest.
“Holy! Claire what’s going on? Who is this?”
“I don’t honestly know. Can we come inside? It’s kind of cold and I don’t want him going into shock on top of everything else,” she said, and then paused, “if he hasn’t already.”
“Sure.”
The young man reached for the Familiar, much as Claire had before. He flinched away this time. He couldn’t help it.
“This is Josh. He’s my friend, he won’t hurt you,” Claire said.
The Familiar nodded once, and let them more-than-half carry him inside. The first thing he noticed was the warmth, and not just a physical variation in temperature. This place felt nice, felt safe. People laughed here.
He looked around as they sat him down on the single ugliest couch he could remember laying eyes upon. It defied description, really, and he couldn’t begin to guess what the colors of the upholstery might be called. It was plaid, but in colors no Scotsman would ever dream of wearing. It was also very comfortable, molding itself to his battered form like a warm hug. A second couch, smaller but no less ugly, rested across from the first. Above it hung a detailed map of the world, only the mapmaker had assumed the Earth had only four continents and there were giant serpents painted in the oceans. The Familiar’s eyes were too bleary to read the caption on the frame. Perhaps it was meant to be artistic. Bookshelves covered one wall, with only a television and a pile of black plastic electronics and brightly colored wires breaking the ranks of novels. Beside the couch was a low archway, leading to a kitchen and a set of carpeted stairs.
Another man came through the arch, freezing in place at the sight of a stranger in his home. He could have been a mirror image of the first, down to the slouch. The only visible difference was that his shirt was gray and his jeans black.
“Claire,” he asked, “Who is this guy?”
“To be honest, I don’t know.” She turned to the Familiar, “What is your name? I never did ask.”
The Familiar shrugged. He didn’t have a use name; H’Gan had never bothered to give him one. He wouldn’t use one of his old names; he wasn’t the same person who had been known by them. He did not dare give them his true name. He looked around. The television was on, frozen on one image. It held a picture of a young man with huge eyes and improbably colored hair. Most of the text was too small to read, but he could see one word, presumably the character’s name, at the top of the screen.
“Call me Ryu,” he said. It was a short name, easy to remember. He kind of liked the sound of it, too.
“Ryu,” the second of what had to be twins, repeated flatly.
All three looked as one to the screen, and then back at him.
He shrugged defensively. “I didn’t say it was my name, I said call me that.”
There was a moment of silent communication between the friends, and then they all shrugged. They’d decided to accept his choice.
“Anyway, sorry to come over so late but this guy refused to go to a hospital and I couldn’t take him to the dorm,” Claire said.
“So you brought him here?” the first of the twins, Josh, asked.
“I remembered that you have metal working equipment.”
“Why is that important?” the other asked.
Claire sat next to the newly named Ryu and gently tugged his arm into clear view. The manacle gleamed dully in the golden light of a lamp beside the couch. Ryu looked away. It didn’t help. He was always aware of the hated bands which bound him to a master he’d never chosen to serve.
“Whoa. Let me look at that. Jacob, get the toolkit. That thing looks molded on.”
“I think it is,” Claire said, “It won’t twist at all.”
Josh crouched in front of Ryu and held out his hand. “Mind if I take a quick look?”
Ryu held out his hands. He honestly doubted the young humans could get him free of the bands, but it would do no real harm to let them try.
“There’s almost no give, even though there is some space between skin and metal,” Josh said, muttering to himself, “but it just won’t turn even a little.”
He leaned in closer, and then jerked back, letting go of the manacle as if it had grown red-hot.
“There’s some kind of prongs holding it in place,” he said.
Ryu shook his head. “No. A bar. Through the wrist.”
“On both wrists?”
“Yes.”
“Man, I’ve heard of some extreme body piercing, but this takes the cake!”
Ryu pulled his hands back to his chest.
“Who did this to you?” Claire asked.
“And why?” asked Jacob, who sat beside his brother.
Ryu almost answered, but only shook his head. They could never understand, and if he told them about H’Gan he would endanger them further. It was bad enough he was there, and that H’Gan might come there looking for him.
“I should leave,” he said.
He tried to stand. His legs wouldn’t hold him, though, and Claire pressed him gently back into the couch.
“You’re in no shape to go anywhere. You don’t have to tell us anything.”
“I say he should. Who knows what kind of trouble he’s in?” Josh said.
“Ask any question. I will answer, or not,” Ryu said to end the argument. He couldn’t help feeling a certain defiant pleasure at saying those words. It was good to be among humans who could not compel obedience with a word.
“Did someone do this to you? Against your will, I mean.” Claire asked.
He certainly hadn’t chosen to have thin metal spikes forced through his wrists!
“Yes.”
“Do you know why?” Josh asked.
They were the key point to the magic that bound Ryu to H’Gan’s service. He didn’t think they’d understand that answer, so he only shook his head.
“Is it the same person who did all this,” Claire asked, motioning to his chest. She clearly meant the injuries, not the bandages.
He nodded.
“Are they likely to come after you?” Josh took his turn.
Ryu thought that one over. H’Gan may have discarded him in a moment of fury, but he would never willingly give up his property once he’d calmed down. He decided to answer. The deserved to know they were in danger.
“Yes,” he whispered. “So I should go.”
Again Claire held him in place. Somehow her hands found the few places on his shoulders and chest that weren’t marked with half healed bruises and welts.
“Even if they can find you,” she said, “they won’t get at you. Not through me and Josh and Jacob.”
“And every policeman in this town, because that’s who I’m calling if anyone shows up,” Josh added. His brother nodded.
At least the young men were reasonable. Claire was acting like a cat with one kitten. Ryu lowered his head and dropped his protest. The boys might let him go, but she wouldn’t. And, shameful as it was he didn’t want to leave. It had been so long since he’d been treated kindly he couldn’t stand to give it up.
“Let’s just get these things off your wrists and we’ll decide what to do next,” Claire said. “Guys, can you get them off?”
“I think so,” Josh said.
“It’s only a quarter inch thick,” Jacob added.
“And weak steel, but,” Josh said
“That bar may be a problem, unless,” Jacob said.
“We cut it free; it’ll take maybe four,” Josh said.
“No, three cuts. Here,” Jacob pointed to one point, then another around the band, “Then a last cut on the bar itself. Then it just slips free.”
“It’ll hurt, and it’ll take time, but it’ll work. What do you say, man?” Josh asked.
Ryu considered. Honestly, it didn’t matter much. He was too injured to live and had too little energy left with which to heal. Unless he went back to H’Gan, he would be dead by morning. He had already chosen not to go back. H’Gan would give him just enough energy to survive, but not enough to truly heal. Then he would punish Ryu for running. Ryu had lost his wings to the last punishment.
If he was going to die anyways, he might as well die free of those cursed bands.
“Please. I’d very much like these gone,” Ryu said.
“Okay, then,” Josh said.
He opened a nearby closet, rustling around until he found what he sought. He reappeared, lugging a bright red toolbox. His brother vanished through one door, Claire through another. Jacob returned with an armful of towels. Claire brought another first aid kit.
Josh opened the toolbox and rustled around. Ryu winced a little at the sound of metal against metal. Josh pulled out a small hacksaw and held it out to his brother.
“Think this’ll do it?”
Jacob took the tool and nodded. “Should work fine.”
“Claire, you’ve got the kit? Of course you do. Jacob, do we have any painkillers in the house?”
“Just aspirin and Benedryl.”
“Benedryl? He’s not having an allergy attack. Aspirin probably won’t be enough, maybe you should go down to the store and get some whisky or something.”
“No,” Ryu said. “I do not need anything.” It wouldn’t work anyways. Drugs didn’t affect him. “I would rather just get this done, please.”
“Okay, then. If you’re sure,” Claire said.
“Let’s do this.” Josh said.
Jacob knelt in front of Ryu and took his left arm in hand. “You’ll have to hold your arm still.”
Ryu nodded and balled his hand into a fist. Claire put her own hand under his. Ryu turned to her in surprise, but only shrugged accepting the offered support. He forced his mind to stop thinking what she might want in return. Then Jacob began working, and Ryu had to force himself to keep still and silent. The steady cutting motion twisted the band with each stroke. It hurt just as badly as when H’Gan first set the manacles in place.
He endured the next bit of time as stoically as he could; the young people were doing their level best not to hurt him further. From time to time, Jacob and Josh would switch places. Soon enough, both twins were sweating profusely, hair plastered against their foreheads. Finally, the first band was severed. Ryu leaned against Claire’s shoulder, panting. And he had a feeling the worst was yet to come. The bar was still in place.
“Okay, now we just pull it free,” Josh said.
“Wait,” Jacob said, “Get the towels ready. This’ll probably bleed a lot.”
That made them all pause. Ryu watched as Claire’s eyes tracked from the blood-soaked bandages on his chest to the smear of blood on the left leg of his jeans where the scabs on his wrists had been worn open again. It was a lot of blood. A human would be unconscious by that point. Ryu wasn’t far from it. He could see the concern in Claire’s eyes.
“It will be fine,” Ryu said.
Claire looked doubtful, but she nodded. Josh took a careful grip on the manacle. Jacob was correct, as it happened. There was a lot of blood. Even though Claire managed to staunch the flow with the towel with a speed that made him wonder if she were a being of magic, the couch, Claire, and Ryu’s jeans were liberally soaked in the stuff. Ryu knew he should be concerned about that, but he just couldn’t find the energy to care.
“Maybe we should wait until tomorrow morning to get the next one. We’re all tired, and you look about ready to pass out,” Jacob said, wiping his hands on yet another towel.
Ryu considered. He wasn’t sure he could stay conscious. He probably wouldn’t live until morning, though. He didn’t want to die in chains.
“I will not,” Ryu assured him, “And I doubt I will have the courage to continue if we wait.” He gave them a reason they’d accept. It was even close to the truth.
Jacob nodded, “All right, man. Hold tight.”
Ryu clutched his still bleeding arm to his chest, and allowed Claire to hold the hand Josh was trying to free. He followed the motion of the saw with his eyes, and was soon lulled into a haze. So, it seemed, was Josh, because his hand slipped and the saw cut not into the manacle but the back of Claire’s hand.
“Oh, man, Claire, sorry!” Josh reached for her at the same time Ryu belatedly tried to pull his arm away. He hadn’t meant for the girl to be hurt. He looked at the blood. Had any of it reached the cut on her hand?
“I’m fine. Just a scratch. Let me just wash it off, okay?” Claire stood and went into the kitchen. Jacob went with her. Josh sat in place, staring at Ryu in suspicious worry.
“You’re not… sick, are you?” the boy asked.
Ryu shook his head faintly, “No, I am as healthy as can be expected given how much of my blood is redecorating your floor.”
“That’s what worries me. There’s some bad stuff going around.”
Josh trailed off as his brother and Claire returned to the room. Neither of the others mentioned the cut, and neither Ryu nor Josh wanted to continue their conversation. Claire reached to take Ryu’s hand again, but he pulled away. He didn’t want his blood anywhere near that cut, if it wasn’t already too late. He had few enough choices left.
“I did not intend for you to be hurt,” he said, “I can be still without support.”
He held on, but soon the room became more and more fuzzy and hard to focus on. Soon all he was aware of was the pain in his wrist, and even that was faint and far away. Ryu realized he was out of energy and out of time. He didn’t want to die on the children, though. They might blame themselves. He tried to explain to them that it was inevitable, but nothing came out of his mouth but a faint whimper. Ryu clenched his teeth. He hadn’t screamed when H’Gan put the cursed things on and in his wrists, he would not scream now. If nothing else he had his dignity.
“Okay, here,” Josh said, pulling the second manacle free at last. Ryu barely heard him, and did not even see Claire wrap another towel around the wrist. As his eyes slid shut, he wondered whether he would wake up at all. And he wondered whether he really cared anymore.
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Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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“The Familiar rested his head…” Good opening; you let us know right away how this character is connected to the part with H’Gan and who this character really is.
“In his time she’d have been almost middle aged” Lots of implied background there… It’s been a long time since people only lived to be 40 or 50.
“Also, the doctors would be certain to notice certain discrepancies about his person and ask uncomfortable questions.” Yeah, that’s always a risk… “Excuse me, sir, but you don’t seem to be entirely human…”
““I didn’t say it was my name, I said call me that.”” Whatever works… The fact that you make it clear that the Familiar is only borrowing a name from some anime/computer game rather than having that be his actual name is what makes this not come across as incredibly cheesy.
““No. A bar. Through the wrist.”” Ouch!
I like how the twins complete each other’s sentences.
“He looked at the blood. Had any of it reached the cut on her hand?” Why do I get the feeling that it did, and that it will be important later in the story?
There are a few minor glitches in punctuation (missing commas and such), but not many, and nothing that got in the way of reading this chapter. Against my expectations when I first read part of it, I’m very much enjoying this story, and I look forward to reading more of it.
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CelestialAlchemist reviewed Version 1 -
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Um, first thing, please space your sentences between dialouge and other paragraphs. It kinda distracts me from the reading.
Other than that bit, i don’t see any major grammar,syntax,or spelling errors.
The description you provided me interested me instanlty. it reads like an intruiging fantasty noir novel.Espcially the fact that the entity known only as The Familiar appears to be a human man.
Oh, and there is a sentence like this that seems to need a bit of tweaking.
“I’ll decide what ‘troubles’ are mine.” Claire’s voice held a slight bite of sarcasm on the word troubles.
how about this?
“I’ll decide what ‘troubles’ are mine.” Claire’s voice held a slight bite of sarcasm.
When you included the ’’ marks, it clearly marks the emphasis on the word troubles.
Alice_Headband reviewed Version 1 -
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Poor Ryu. Does someone with such a cute name deserve such a ghastly thing to happen to him? Your prose dances like a graceful ballerina, pirhouetting through tight, well-controlled phrases using wit and good humour. You never once fall flat on your face, you just keep dancing and entertaining. Hold onto this skill please.
Alice
Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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A laudable sci-fi excerpt, however, to help tidy up the occasionally awkward flow in the narrative, you might do well to truncate the amount of times you use “and” at the ends of sentences. It seems like an afterthought that you shouldn’t have bothered to include. A very concise writing style that had a nice flow to it. I couldn’t see anything in your characters that stood out to me among the many sci-fi stories, however.
Claire_D
merocet reviewed Version 1 -
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This was very good, I really enjoyed reading this and was hooked from the first two paragraphs. It’s very well written and flows fluidly with no akward or long sentences.
I normally would not read something this long but was compelled to finish the whole chapter. I liked the characters, you describe their physical appearance perfectly without giving too much irrelevant information as some writers do.
Also, I did not notice any typos or grammatical errors. I think if there were any I would have sub consciuously skipped over them being completely immersed in the story.
I hope you finish this. Are there any more chapters ? I would certainly read them.
CaptGage reviewed Version 1 -
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The familiar is lucky that Claire wants to help. Here he was getting ready to bail out of the moving car. I can understand that he didn’t want to risk being taken to the hospital. When they got to where they were going, I almost thought the Familiar was going to try to escape, even though you showed that he was becoming comfortable with Claire. I like how you described her from his eyes. I could feel the sense of comfort easing over him. The last paragraph is nice.
DeadEdward reviewed Version 1 -
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Ooohw… so i did read the intro… oops…
Well this feels much better than the part previous too this one. The writing doesn’t feel so stiff anymore… But i kind of think its weird the twins just let Cary in with a half to death guy who refuses to go too the hospital… Hell i’d be dialling 911 before he hit the couch :p Didn’t even know H’gan was such a beast… daamn… its rather strange too… in the prologue, u get some kind of sympathy and here u feel rather violent towards him…
anyway niiice keep it up
AstridM reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. This scene made me squirm in my seat. You’ve got a knack for conveying the events in a very real way. I felt like I was right there with the characters taking part in their pain. Your dialogue felt very natural as well.
The only thing that bothered me was the description of the couch. The whole scene has a sense of urgency, but then right in the middle the reader gets bogged down in the minute details of this couch. As a reader, I’m thinking, “Hey, we get it, the couch is ugly, but not nearly as important as the weird guy who’s about to bleed to death. What happens to him?” I understand where you’re going, but I think you could trim it down and still get the same result. You might even wait until later to drop some detail about it—like when he realizes that he’s bleeding all over the hideous plaid.
Overall, a nice piece. I look forward to seeing more.
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