Poetry / Potter Road

The idea behind this is gold for poetry – although I hope it’s not true. Nevertheless, from a literary standpoint, this needs a little tightening. The first and most obvious thing I would say is figure out your sentences and where they start and end: clarify with capitalization and punctuation. They can do wonders. Secondly…the lines I think are the weakest are lines 9-12. It’s kind of a giant run-on sentence and leaves you feeling a little out of breathe by the end of it. I don’t know if you really need that much description – see if you can be more vague and still get the idea across about the car accident. Maybe focus on what it looked like, the sounds, the feelings, rather than just reviewing what happened. Try re-arranging a little: cutting things from one line and putting them in another to get some kind of a form.

This really has a lot of potential, just keep playing with it! Other people will probably have more specific advice for you – sorry I don’t have more detailed solutions – just troubleshooting some areas, but keep working on it!

If you took out the pipe metaphors (which was your reasoning behind writing it, I know) then I think you’re left with a very vivid image of someone’s tortured inner psyche. This is what pulled me into the poem. I love the name “Potter Road” by the way, and think it was an excellent choice for the title. The pipe stuff didn’t really work for me, but I may be alone on this one. Regardless, I think you do have a nice way with words.

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January 02, 2008

by Elron

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
328	82.2% (45 votes)	19.2%

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32	M	Wilmington, NC	November 07

Thanks for the review. I understand what you’re saying and will keep that in mind.

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Very good ..story is very emotional and grabs the readermmmmterror..ble burden
“she planted herself and…”  strong. I think its beyond my critism…only thin I felt was on last sentence..I wanted ….and I’ll smoke it//but may not be what you want said..RLL

I feel it. Regrets and the consequences. I can relate, maybe not to that degree. The lines,
“Yes, for crying out loud
Yes, somethings wrong…”
Speaks to me most.
This is really powerful stuff. Good job putting all that emotion into this piece.