Poetry / IN ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL

The only bit of advise here is maybe to break into stanzas.  It reads well and the rhyme is well done.  It doesn’t sound hokey and it has just the right tone for a poem of the circumstances you describe.  I don’t know if you were trying to bring season theme into the poem, but you might consider adding a Fall and Winter to the poem and round it out a little.  You might find that those seasons are cathartic in their tone and may offer a real solace to the tone that would serve you and the reader well.

A very nice memorial..To me the words were a little forced maybe trite and non specific. “gentle s. wind blows,Spring’s first perfect rose,sun is shining bright,..birds,flowers,day,star-filled sky..etc.  maybe search the imagination for fresh words..strive for originality…also maybe double space every 4 lines.. surprise yourself and you’ll suprise the reader..good luck

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April 05, 2008

by Maria

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	83.1% (83 votes)	22.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
50	F	Mckinleyville, CA	November 20

I wrote this for my mother, just after she died, I think it works because it was from my heart.

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this is very sweet.  i actually read it first and then read your “notes for reviewer”.  i like to read the peice first, to see if i can get the meaning of the poem with no preconceived notions.  i could feel the love from this poem and i knew it wasn’t for a lover, it was a much purer, more innocent love.  i actually thought at first it was the love for a child.  i think you did really well at conveying your love and staying away from the pain of the loss.  

The content and context are great. I, myself, don’t really love romantic poetry because it seems so much like a temporary illusion so it didn’t resonate with me, but that has nothing to do with the quality of the piece. Romantic love is divine (albeit temporary) and it makes for some very creative juices! Overall the piece is well written and flows smoothly, creating a vivd mental picture.

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March 03, 2008

by Maria

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161	83.1% (83 votes)	22.2%

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50	F	Mckinleyville, CA	November 20

I guess you did not get it! This was not romantic. I wrote this a few days after my mother died. It was about the things that make me remember her.

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Powerful. I really enjoyed this. It brought up strong emotions in me. I almost lost my mother to a brain aneurysm this past summer and I was thinking a lot about her and what she meant. This is just perfect. I really liked your approach to describing her and how/where you feel her live on. God knows mothers are very complex, and that you could have gone about this in a deeper, more complex way. However, this angle gives a dreamy, whimsical feel to her that I think allows it to be widely applicable.  

“In all things that are beautiful
I feel you’re always near.
Like all things that are beautiful,
in my heart you’re always dear.” – loved how you closed this piece up, very resounding.
I thought this read beautifully, very smooth and effortless, like a child’s love for a loving mother. I have no suggestions. I believe the corrections you previously preformed have worked wonderfully.  

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March 03, 2008

by Maria

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	83.1% (83 votes)	22.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
50	F	Mckinleyville, CA	November 20

Thank you for your kind review. I could not have made this complex, my mother was a child like person, and she never took things for granted. In my heart this poem fit her.

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The detail in description is what makes this very well written. The word “south” isn’t needed before wind (but that’s minor and very critical).  also very critical but, when the sun “SHINES” bright might sound better. but if the point is what matters, no need for change. the feelings that are described are very in touch with emotion and sense, which is what i believe poetry should convey along with beliefs and maybe faiths. the last three lines are a great summary and meaning also

My condolences to you on the loss of your mother.
Pesonally, when my mother passed, I was too broken
to do much of anything.

When I approach a subject such as this, or any subject for that matter,
I always trt to “show and not tell.”  This seems to work best for me because
very consistently my lines seem organic and flow much smoother than when I don’t employ this technique.

The constant repetition of “I can” at the beginning of each stanza weakens the poem. If it were left to me, I would space the last paragraph so as to set apart as a declaration at the end of the poem.

To me, at least, this poem seems, had you not prefaced it, as if it could have applied to any loved one.

Though the imagery is pretty, but you should try and smooth out
the rhythm, as it seems to be stilted in some spots.  That can easily be improved upon by reworking and reworking stanzas until they flow better.

Thanks for putting yourself out there!