Don’t you see the crying faces in
your lies of nicotine freedom?
The eucharist of truth is shrinking,
hiding away in this smoldering brutality.
The bloody death of chivalry
is creeping silently up on us.
That loving realistic fallacy
washes to shore our long lost minds.
The dark blue waves of this reverie
pertain solely to our jealousy.
I sure hope there’ll be nothing left of
me to see the future drown in sin.
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I think the mix between common and unique adjectives is a bit uneven. Descibing things as “nicotine” and as a “eucharist” aren’t normal fare, however they’re overshadowed by convention like “bloody death” and “dark blue waves”. There’s a lot of potential in it though, I just think a little more eloquence would do the poem a lot of good.
Can you explain what you mean by: The eucharist of truth is shrinking/hiding away in this smoldering brutality ?
It’s clever of you to write, ‘nicotine freedom.’ Actually, it’s brilliant. The first stanza was by far the strongest; it was the most original and the most concrete in its meaning. The other two however, I really didn’t like.
The bloody death of chivalry
is creeping silently up on us.
That loving realistic fallacy
washes to shore our long lost minds.
Either say maybe, ‘upon’ or use a new sort of phrasing. I like the title to the poem, care to share what you’re really speaking of in this? Anyway, that would be a good stanza, but after what I had just read in your poem, COME ON, this could be so much better! It sounds like something you just randomly inserted into your poem to make it seem bigger right now. It’s there, but it’s absent, you know?
The last two lines to your final stanza felt unfinished. Try to end it with something stronger to show the what you really mean in your poem. I knew you had really begun your poem when I read the introducing lines in stanza 1 (not because they were the first, but really because it was so straightforwar, it sounded like revolution).
Your poem has tons of beautiful images and a lot of greatness and potential in the line. The rhyming in this poem takes away because the meter is off. And in order to incorporate some of the lines it makes some of the other lines seem a bit forced. I like this line
That loving realistic fallacy
washes to shore our long lost minds.
Anyways…you did a pretty good job.
I love this piece and I don’t like it. Strange but true. This is why: what I love about it is exactly why I don’t like it. I love your description of ‘eucharist of truth’, i haven’t heard that before. That is outstanding. However, dark blue waves, has been done many times. You can do better, you did with the eucharist truth thing. Nicotine freedom rocks as well. But long lost minds does not. You see where I’m going with this? You seem to run into the same problems I do when writing, most of it rocks, but some of it has been done way too much, it’s trite and needs more thought before publishing. Good work overall. I want to read more of you.
You have some vivid imagery here, and some good phrases (I like “realistic fallacy”), but the images don’t seem to hang together well, and I cannot tell what the poem is about.
In technical details – grammar, punctuation, etc. – this piece appears perfect.
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