Its for Harper Teen. Poetry.com is just a big scam by the way. Thanks for the review!!
Poetry / When You Don't
When you don’t know where you’re going
Life is just a blur
When you don’t know why you’re talking
Words are just a slur
When you don’t know what you’re doing
Actions are your words
When you don’t know how to move forward
You can only go backwards
When you don’t know why you’re living
Days fade into each other
When you don’t know why life’s cruel
The world looses its color
When you can’t pick your self up
You think you’ll just stay down
But the only way to live
Is to get up off the ground
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Dtox reviewed Version 3 -
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This piece is really good I can’t think of a single way to improve it. Great job
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JganJay reviewed Version 3 -
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It is a nice little critique of life with a message. It almost feels like the words of a song. Good luck in your contest. Is that the Poetry.com contest or a different one?
Afterlight reviewed Version 3 -
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Great job. The rhyming is good. One of the lines didn’t seem to fit rhythm. “When you don’t know how to move forward”. I don’t know if you really want to change it at this point and it is fine as it is. I found it to be a little cliche, especially at then ending, but what’s wrong with that once and a while. Again, great job.
BeholdtheMan reviewed Version 3 -
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cool. i like it. its entertaining, clever, and insightful. i like the form its creative, though some may think its repetetive, but i like it. overall well done. i cant really see anything that you might change or edit. so, good luck in the contest and i hope to read more of your work in the future.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 3 -
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Sweet piece. I think you need to move away from abstractions and towards concrete, specific imagery, especially imagery that is provoking and appealing to the emotions and to the senses (all five of them). The message was strong, so thematically this is well-thoughtout poem. The rhyming couplets are a nice touch, but really every two lines is one. For example, lines 1 & 2 ending with “blur” and lines 3 & 4 ending with “slur”, are really two lines ending with “blur” and “slur”. Look at your meter too for flow: 12, 13, 13, 15, 15, 14, 13, 14. While similar, they could be tightened up to allow the meter to punctuate the read. Good luck with the contest!
Lin reviewed Version 2 -
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There are other options to going forwards or backwards. Stalling, freezeing or staying still. Moving vertically, in circles or ducking for cover. Some people bury their heads in the sand. I wonder when they come up for air. Or do they run out & expire.
Rupert reviewed Version 2 -
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Short, quick paced and an easy read. Each line rhymes well and keeps the reader involved, the kicker sentence at the end, provides a sharp and needed uplift to the depressing content of the work. Very well done and good use of the Iambic Pentameter
You can only go backwards: this line may flow better if you take out the can to read “you only go backwards. The can makes it a bit too long, and the poem loses rhythm with the extra word.
covert reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the poem except for the line, “When you don’t know what you’re doing
Actions are your words.” To me actions are words in everything we do. Especially when we know what we are doing or feeling. If you roll your eyes, Throw your hands up in the air in anger, or dance. I mean our actions transfer into what we do. So that line doesn’t really make much sense to me.
Keep up the good work though…
rebel310 reviewed Version 1 -
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this must be one of the best poems ive been on this site i mean wow its great and how you said it thats how it is great job keep writeing these
candycorn_luver reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I didn’t like the fact that everyother line began with the same thing, believe me, I’ve gone there and it’s not a place I ever want to go again. I like the over-all meaning of it but it would be much more effective if it was in a different format with different wording. The repetitive “when you don’t”’s made it a slight bore and you could use many different words instead, you’re a writer, you’ve got a vocabulary, use it! Another thing I noticed is that you sort of stated the obvious in some of the thouhgts, as in,
“When you don’t know how to move forward
Your feet step backwards”.
But since I like the over-all idea and message of this I give it a 5.
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