thanks for the review. it is very helpful and insightful. thanks again. :)
Young Adult / A Vampire's Story / Prologue & Chapter One (Analysis)
A VAMPIRE’S STORY
Prologue: Alaina
Hello everyone, my name is Alaina Blood Moon Walker. I was born on July 15, 1429. I haven’t totally forgotten how old I am, but know I am around 575 years old (give or take a few years). The reason why: at age eighteen I was taken away from my family, and bitten by a vampire after a forced marriage to him all in one day. His name is Antonio Blood Moon Vespers, king of the Blood Moon clan of vampires in Brussels, Belgium. My greatest time of all was when I had Darrian’s company in that cold, isolated room. But my story doesn’t begin here, but on July 16, 1447, the day after my 18th birthday, and the day I was first bitten my Antonio.
Chapter One: The Beginning
That day started out like any other day. It was a clear morning turned bad when the fog settled in. I was sent out to do my chores and to get a sack of flour from the mill. I didn’t stay long at the mill because I was anxious to get home. At that time it was unsafe for a young woman to be out alone and the fog didn’t help anything at all.
On my way home I had a bad felling in the pit of my stomach, like something wasn’t right or like someone was watching you. The closer to home I got, the stronger the feeling was, and the more the fear rose throughout my body. I knew I couldn’t turn back. Even though I tried to run away from my house back towards the mill something kept tugging at me and wouldn’t let me go like I was in a trance.
As soon as I walked through the back door into the kitchen I knew that my fears and my bad feelings were right. Two men grabbed me from both sides. When I felt their icy grip I broke from my trance and from the thing that kept me coming here. I started to struggle and fight with all my strength, but it was a futile effort. Then I yelled at them, “LET ME GO!”
They were a great deal stronger than my father who I saw through the opposite door, and a very great deal stronger than me. From around the corner in the other room someone started to chuckle. Shivers went down my spine.
“You know the price that you owe me Mr. Walker. All I have done is come to collect my payment. And to think you tried keeping my reward away from me. Moving all over the country trying to shake my men. Ha!” the voice from the room said to my father.
Eyes wide with fear my father replied, “Why now Antonio, why now? She is only eighteen, and has a long life ahead of her. Can’t you come back in later years?” At this point my father was pleading with the man. My big, blacksmith father who was the toughest man in our district was begging for me, and crying at the thought of losing me. This brought tears to my own eyes.
“That is what you asked when she was fourteen and then at sixteen. This time I will have my payment Mr. Walker. You may not know it, but I need her now more than anything else, and cannot afford to lose her now. Sorry but she will come with me. And look Mr. Walker you have made my beloved Alaina cry,” Antonio said as he rounded the corner.
Trying to look at my father with tears rolling down my cheeks I cried in a hoarse voice, “Papa…what is…what is…going on? .....Who are… these men? ….What do…what do….they want …with me?”
I knew Antonio’s face well. It had haunted me in my dreams and nightmares for many years. His liquid silver eyes stood out on his pale skin and black hair. He stared at me with longing in his eyes and smiled like he had won a prize worthy of a king. His black tunic and pants were the same color as his hair and the silver facing stood out. At his waist was a silver sword. The way he stood there in the doorway was uncanny and the blacked room behind him made him look more handsome then what my nightmares had shown me. As we stood staring at each other I stopped breathing and had to remind myself to breathe.
Antonio gracefully walked over to me. Taking my chin in between his thumb and index finger he lifted my head to where I could look at him and softly said, “You have nothing to be scared of my love. I shall protect you from all the dangers that the world has.” Then he gently kissed me on the lips and I fell limp. The last things I remember from the house were his muscular arms holding me up and Antonio telling my father that his debt was clear. Then I blacked out.
When I finally woke I was in a dimly lit room. My calico dress that I had been wearing was replaced with a lavish white wedding gown. A shadow flickered in the corner as four guards came through the door. Forcing me to get up, I was placed in the middle of them as we walked down the deserted corridor. At the end there was a big oak door decorated with different carvings. As we approached the doors swung open to reveal a chapel room. It had no windows to let in the afternoon light. All the walls were bare of any and all artwork that would be in a holy place as this. As I walked down the aisles I noticed that all the pews were full. By the altar, in the same clothes as before, was Antonio standing next to a priest. But this time Antonio wore a crown of silver studded with crescent shape rubies and sapphires.
The guards led me to the altar before forming a line between the guests and us. And so the ceremony began. I knew the wedding ceremony from my cousin’s wedding the year before. When the time came for “I do’s”, only Antonio was asked. Then it hit me-a forced marriage. I was being forced to marry the man that stole me from my family.
As he leaned in to kiss me I backed away. My senses had come back and I could tell what Antonio was. Antonio was a vampire, and the priest was one of the clan familars. I could see the small points of Antonio’s fangs when he smiled at me. And all of the people here sitting in the pews were all vampires as well. I was the only mortal in a room full of vampires.
All I needed to know was that I had to get away far away from him. But before I could back up any more Antonio grabbed my hands and kissed me. But this kiss wasn’t like the one from before. This one had more passion like he was trying to send a message to everyone there and me.
No one clapped or cheered when this happened. Nor did and of them when Antonio led me back up the aisles. The same guards that had brought me here surrounded us. Looking at me the entire way Antonio led me to the room I woke up in. Sitting me down on the bed, Antonio turned and left. As soon as he was gone I ran to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. There I fell to the floor and wept.
I must have fallen asleep there. When I woke I was in the bed dressed in a light blue nightgown. A tray of food was sitting on the table on the other side of the room. The dresser were of carved cherry wood and had gold knobs running down them and in the back corner to the left of the bed was a privacy screen which had a scenery picture painted on it. But I was in no mood to eat. The memories of what had happened came flooding back and I started to cry again. But this time I wasn’t alone in the room.
In the corner by the bookshelves came Antonio’s voice, “Why are you crying Alaina?”
Startled I turned as tears kept running down my face and replied, “Don’t you know the reason why I cry? If you don’t, then you are a fool.”
“I have my ideas, and I am sorry if feel that way. But you have nothing to be scared about anymore. The Blood Moon clan will protect you. You are a queen now,” Antonio said as he closed the book he was reading. Then he walked out of the room and locked the door behind him.
Shortly later one of the vampires came in carrying a dress made of red silk. She helped me into it saying that Antonio wanted me to wear this. The dress was lovely and fit well. It had white lace around the collar and cuffs. It had a simple elegance as all the dress did was flow gently over my curves and barely touched my skin. After she had adorned me with silver and ruby jewelry she went and opened the door. In a quiet voice she said, “She is ready my lord,” and bowed lowly as Antonio came back into the room with the priest from earlier. In his hands Antonio carried a silver tiara studded with one large crescent shape ruby.
Antonio walked quietly to me and lifted me off the bed. His eyes shone with happiness and delight. Standing beside me, we turned to the priest for the second time that day.
Upon my head the priest laid the silver tiara. Speaking in the ancient tongue the priest crowned me queen of the Blood Moon clan of vampires. And then he left us in the room alone in the big bedroom.
Eyes of blood red Antonio turned to me. Staring at his face I saw his fangs start to form. Gently he pulled me into him. In silence he held me with my face in his shoulder. Then he spoke softly in my ear. I felt my dress fall to the ground with a silent thud. On the back of my left shoulder I felt Antonio’s bite. Then shortly the pain came and I blacked out when the full moon hung in the middle of the midnight sky.
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rsaioxkreual reviewed Version 1 -
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Kimbers reviewed Version 1 -
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A new vampire piece is always welcome. Yet this piece is even more so because it has not become victim to the Anne Rice version of vampires. The seductive and charming vapire that is well known today. This seems more like the Hendee vampire. The classic medieval vampire.
Your setting is unique and dark in its own way. Your character sounds established in her personality, that of the unfortunate and fearful bride. Her ‘husband’ is charmingly mysterious when we first meet him but it does not take long to establish the history behind this arrangement, which I find refreshing. If there’s one thing I hate in books, it’s taking forever to reveal the history behind certain events.
The clan idea for the vampires and the fact that the wedding is set in a chapel, makes them all the more unique. The solitary vampire has become popular in more recent fiction, but the clan structure and hierarchy does present ideas for relationships, and the subject of fealty to liege lord. You can expand by looking at the way the daughter of a blacksmith gradually adjusts not only to her new vampiric existence but also to the new station she now has. To go from ‘peasant’ to queen would be a big step for anyone to take, so her experiences would form much internal dialogue on her part.
One or two things which didn’t quite grip me enough. First of all the setting. Yes you have explained that it was fifteenth century Brussels, but I would have liked to have learned more of the environment she grew up in. Was her home on its own somewhere, or was it in a small village? Would other people have noticed her disappearance? More description of the castle she ends up in. The physical environment of the room where she was taken, how the light would differ from her home, and would this cause a slight sense of forboding?
And not just the physical environment can reflect in the characters thoughts. sounds and smells can bring all forms of emotion and clues to the forefront. Were there merely candles burning in the room or was there a hearth. Maybe even a fire pit, providing warmth.
And finally, the vampires themselves. Are they your typical pale looking blood suckers. Or did they have some kind of presence about them. Vampires are known for their unnatural powers, maybe bring some of this folklore to Antonio. Description of the characters appearance can substantialise them considerably. their hair and eye colour can set the tone of the character. I like to be able to visualise the character by how the author describes them. At the moment I can’t ‘see’ them.
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YolandaRenee reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. Just a few grammar errors – instead of you say me ” like someone was watching you” – “then what my nightmares” – than in stead of then. So just a few errors to clean up. Your descriptions are good, and I like the first person aspect. I can’t wait to read what happens next. Go through and read it out loud to yourself, you’ll find the places that need a little more work, but all in all a very good read! Good luck! I love vampire stories!
Ashentara reviewed Version 1 -
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The beginning was a bit.. I don’t know, I felt it hard to understand what it was about. Then it got better;
The story so far is good, but I fear that it’s one of those stories that have been told countless times. What i mean is, it doesn’t strike me as very original. It’s well written, it’s interesting if you like that kind of stuff (which I do), but it’s not as gripping as it could be, I think.
Maybe you could develop your character a little bit more.
Deathbonewitch reviewed Version 1 -
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Well it was interesting, vampires being an interesting subject and all. A few sentences sounded awkward and others were incomplete.
“I have my ideas, and I am sorry if [you] feel that way.” The you should be there.
“I haven’t totally forgotten how old I am, but know I am around 575 years old (give or take a few years)” I would rewrite the beginning or after that, because if she is talking about she hasn’t totally forgotten how old she is but then goes on to say she knows she is around 575 years old, it’s not accurate. “I haven’t totally forgotten how old I am, then again I don’t remember the years exactly, but I know I’m around 575 years old.” Also since she knew her birth date she should know the exact age.
Go on and keep writing at any rate.
Taemaeri reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a great skeleton, but it needs some work. When you finish your chapters read them out loud to yourself exactly as it is written so you can make sure your work flows well and you have left nothing out. My other suggestions are below with examples from your chapter.
Hello everyone, my name is Alaina Blood Moon Walker. I was born on July 15, 1429. I haven’t totally forgotten how old I am, but know I am around 575 years old (give or take a few years). The reason why: at age eighteen I was taken away from my family, and bitten by a vampire after a forced marriage to him all in one day. His name is Antonio Blood Moon Vespers, king of the Blood Moon clan of vampires in Brussels, Belgium. My greatest time of all was when I had Darrian’s company in that cold, isolated room. But my story doesn’t begin here, but on July 16, 1447, the day after my 18th birthday, and the day I was first bitten my Antonio.
I want to suggest a few things in the paragraph. First a prologue usually provides an insight into why the story takes place. What you have is an introduction to the character. If you want to add a prologue I would suggest you describe the events, thoroughly, that led up to her becoming a vampire. For example, describe the day she was kidnapped. It seems like it might be a dreary occurrence so focus on dreary aspects like the “dimly lit sky” or the “gray bodies (clouds) floated lazily across the sky”. A prologue can be 2-3 pages in book form, more if there is more you want to add so be creative. You could end it with the last sentence in your prologue; but my story doesn’t begin here. That day after my birthday, July 16, 1447, was the day I was bitten, but I remember it as the day my life changed forever.
Also make sure that your information is not contradicting. First you type: I haven’t totally forgotten how old I am, but I know I am around 575 years old (give or take a few years). Then you type the exact day of your 18th birthday and your exact date of birth. Eliminate that sentence. You can say age has not affected my memory I am exactly 575 years old. The information in chapter one should be in your prologue.
I knew Antonio’s face well. It had haunted me in my dreams and nightmares for many years. His liquid silver eyes stood out on his pale skin and black hair. He stared at me with longing in his eyes and smiled like he had won a prize worthy of a king. His black tunic and pants were the same color as his hair and the silver facing stood out. At his waist was a silver sword. The way he stood there in the doorway was uncanny and the blacked room behind him made him look more handsome then what my nightmares had shown me. As we stood staring at each other I stopped breathing and had to remind myself to breathe.
In this sentence you already mentioned his silver eyes use something else to describe the contrast of the eyes to his clothing.
At the end there was a big oak door decorated with different carvings. (I would say something like decorated with designs etched by steady hands or something. This is the 15th century and people didn’t talk like that..their language was very descriptive).
“Don’t you know the reason why I cry? If you don’t, then you are a fool.”(nice dialogue).
“I have my ideas, and I am sorry if (you) feel that way. But you have nothing to be scared about anymore. The Blood Moon clan will protect you. You are a queen now,”
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall I liked. If you ever seen the show Buffy The Vampire it kind of reminded of when they would do flash backs into the old days. While reading I was asking myself would she ever go back and see her family and how would she act as queen of this clan. Would she be evil or try to deny it. Grammar wise it was good and you gave good detail.
wolfie_pink reviewed Version 1 -
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1)A few mispelled words like”feeling and not “felling”
2) “My greatest time of all was when I had Darrian’s company in that cold, isolated room.” Who’s Darrian? When you introduce another character make sure you tell us what he is or does.
3)For a vampire story it doesn’t seem too thrilling when they snatched her. It’s seemed like you could’ve put more detail, time, and certainly more suspense to that part.
4) “Nor did and of them…” I’m sure is suppose to be “Nor did any of them” Please use spell check and proofread your work.
In shorter terms I would like to say I was expecting more out of a vampire story like this and you might want to go over your work before considering to have it published.
CallmeJane reviewed Version 1 -
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There are a few typos and spelling/grammatical errors, however I enjoyed reading this. You could go into describing what the pain felt like when she was bitten, to juice the story up a bit more. I think that this will appeal to a younger audience, and that you have a real knack for writing. Keep up the good work. Practice makes perfect.
kittykatmanson reviewed Version 1 -
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I LOVE VAMPIRE stories. It is exciting to read that at 18 this girl Alaina is taken away by the Blood Moon Clan and then is married to the King of the Clan. You know that stories like this one make for great sex. It gets the mood going. I know its a little weird to hear or should I say read from a 17 year old girl. But honestly it just gets the hormones going. I love reading sexy stories or ones were a girl has no choice but to marry or to have sex with that one person. It just makes for an interesting topic. I don’t think it was long enough though. But I know how hard it is to come out with more things to say. The detail was really good, better that when I try and make stories. I thoroghly enjoyed it.
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