Poetry / Art Class 1-on-1

I’m not one for rhyming poetry, so take this with a grain of salt if you will.  

I see here the skeleton of a very good poem.  You have strong imagery of learning art alongside a person you care very deeply for.  When you reach for the rhyme, you step aside from those powerful images, into the murky world of cliche and vague emotion.  For example, the first stanza is strong without line four.  I’m watching you sitting, side by side, brushing over what you’ve drawn, with your fingers to get just the right effect.  The last line of the stanza does nothing to build on that for me.

If your intent was simply to convey the love you feel for your partner, that certainly does come through.  However, if you wanted to tell the story --paint the picture, if you like -- of your art lesson, try staying with the solid imagery.

I like it!  I can see the respect and admiration you have for your subject.  Whoever this person is, should be proud of the work they’ve done and the inspiration that they have given to you and others.  It takes a special person to inspire and an equally special person to accept the inspiration and move on to become an inspirer themselves.

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February 10, 2008

by Smintboyuk

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	December 29

Thanks.  I’m glad you got so much out of this poem, and that you see how special this person is.  I knew it the moment I met her.

February 11, 2008

by KarenF615

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It is a great gift to have someone in their lives that has so much to give, and an even greater gift to be that person to someone else.

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This is a good start, but I would suggest to work with it more. One particular line that struck me odd

“Smudging carbon to create depth, shadow, dimension
Your help and support dissolves my apprehension”

I’m not sure if “dimension” and “apprehension” go together in such a rhyming away. But, I’m not a big rhyming poet.

Another thing I would rearrange is

“More layers appear than previously I saw”

I would change to “than I previously saw”... flows better, you know?

Good luck with this for you really do have a great start. =]

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December 21, 2007

by Smintboyuk

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Thanks Moulin.  I rearranged ”...previously I saw” as suggested.  Not sure why I missed that.

According to Rhymezone.com that one of my reviewers/friends recommended, dimension and apprehension are fine as rhymes.

I was more concerned that by using ‘apprehension’ so early in the poem, readers wouldn’t realize I was being taught to draw and that I was nervous at first.  It’s not until the 3rd stanza that I mention teach, so that influenced my choice of title.  Although to be honest, I get some enjoyment out of keeping readers guessing for a while, but it’s a fine line between that and causing confusion.

December 21, 2007

by MoulinCool

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Very true, it just seemed a tad awkward personally but in no means did I mean for it to affend you in any way…just my two cents. Take care =]

December 21, 2007

by Smintboyuk

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35	M	Alexandria, VA	December 29

No offense taken!  Thanks again for taking the time to review.

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