Poetry / and my hopes jumped over the moon

i likes.

reminds me a dream my girlfriend had about how i was writing poems about being happy and spiritual and clean shaven.
it’s inspiration, and may get a prose as a response.

i enjoi the emotion brought up by this poem,

good writing.
-peace

I thought the concept was good. You expressed your emotion well, and clear. I liked the play on words, not to over played, but creative. I thought the tempo was off, and the stucture seemed a bit rough. I think with some adjustments you would have a wonderful work of art here. Very nice poem for a first draft.

Strong writing…very understandeable….I especially like…
‘having an affliction for needing to feel needed (but i always end up being used)’
Perhaps, because I can relate!  I am going to check out your site also!  I love it!

You seem to know many words but at the same time dont have a direction for your writing. Its very confusing(at least to me) maybe you should be a bit more clear with your meaning and also it doesnt seem to have any flow to it. Overall it just seems like your saying stuff just because you think itll sound cool.

I thoroughly enjoyed the contrast of imagery here. My favorite example of this contrast is: “and i’m losing track of the knots (not the ones in my stomach more the ones wrapped around your throat)”. I am not sure if I like the side bars or not. However they do provide some intrigue. My favorite line in this piece is “smiling hips and lies hidden behind eyes” because of the imagery that it affords. I love the words and rhythm as well. Good write. I like the irony of lies hidden behind eyes being the look of love. Nice.

I really like this.  I had to reread the end of it twice to make sure I got it, but I did.  I love the parenthesis.  I hope to read more of your items soon!  Great work!

I adore the unique structure. I definitely see this as publishable material. Keep up good work. I did not spot anything wrong on lines of flow problems, ect. I know this holds great meaning. Possibly more personal, but either way a job well done.

I am sorry but I didn’t understand this poem. I am not sure where to begin with this poem, and maybe it was me- only because I couldn’t find an continuity in the poem. This peom need a rewrite and a over look because it didn’t catch my eye. You have to use some form of grammar in this peom to get it passed the publishers. The spots where you put (), are spots where you  should have put a comma and (“) marks.

I love this poem.  I think it is very deep and very well thought out.  Especially for someone of your age.  My favorite two stanzas are these and how they are in two different areas of your poem but they also draw the poem together.

“hiding in cliches and waiting for a sunrise greeted with a smile instead of disapointments
smiling hips and lies hidden behind eyes (the look of love)”

then later in the poem you are talking about

“storing truths behind my eyes
the only place you wouldn’t search (because you do your best work with your eyes shut)”

lies hidden and storing truths behind the same eyes

Very well done!

In a word – beautiful. I loved the constant contradictions that it offered. There was also a quality of childish innocence in the overall feeling, and it works well here. The first stanza grabbed my attention immediately – “she told me to write about more than just the past shown in the light of the present (without ribbons)
i told her boys like me are more comfortable living in the known.”

I love it. For a rough draft, you’ve got something going!