Poetry / de//fragment this mess

Ok, i want to begin by telling you that I just spent some time reviewing other people’s poetry..(OPP, from that rap song)and the writer took it way too seriously and it showed in their work. and my biggest criticism for him was that he needed to just write…JUST WRITE…and to stop trying so hard. so you see, in your piece, the words flow almost lyrically, and it doesn’t come across like you were searching for every other word. For me at least, poetry and fiction and prose and any other type of writing is an extension of the build up of emotion that occurs and we can’t explain away. that idea comes across in your piece.
Some of my favorite lines are:
So I beg for silence
One last goodnight kiss
And it’s just a metaphorical intake
Like blades of blue grass
Sharp glass
Staying over for heartbreak

(it flows…and it has meaning, a story, a storyteller, movement…)

and then:

And it’s not really fun without a little half-hearted violence
Secrets hidden in layers of filth
Used condoms strewn from wall to limb
Shadows on the wall
Broken
And so abused”

(i think the above is my favorite)

“And I won’t sugar coat it for you
The future’s still trapped behind your eyes” is another great line.
Great work overall.

and hey, if you get a chance, take a look at my website www.zolirozen.com. My novel, A CONSEQUENCE OF ORDINARY came out last year and I’ve been trying to get people interested. Its all prose, literary fiction. If you decide to take a look, maybe read some loose chapters, feel free to email me at zoli@zolirozen.com to let me know what you think.

thanks,

Zoli Rozen

you got it going here your saying it how you want its expressive very! its book worthy its seems like it wasent “just random fragments of unfinished poems and random thoughts thrown together into one big mess”
like you had said i think its great

I don’t get it.  It’s not ready for review yet if you yourself say “don’t strain your self.”  What kind of review are you looking for?