He slid behind the legs of adults, some of them with thighs like giant fat pigs. He looked up and saw bellies, chins. No faces, he frowned. How freaky! Pushing on legs that only sometimes moved, and other times forced him to squeeze between knees which pushed against his chest. It sort of hurt, but more like uncomfortable. He stopped in the forest of different pants and shoes for a moment to catch his breath. Then he stuffed his hand in his pocket with one eyebrow raised, he pulled out his little cellphone and some candy fell out on the ground. Sighing he remembered his Mother always saying not to eat anything that fell on the ground so he ignored it. Looking at his cellphone, paying more attention to the time rather than the flashing envelope. Two forty-three o’clock. His eyes widened, quickly he fought through the adults calves and knees, he stepped on a foot but didn’t stop when they said “Hey!”
No time could be wasted fighting this jungle of adults! He began to wish he brought his baseball bat his Dad gave him for his birthday. Even if he hated baseball, he got the hint from Dad who always said “Little league, Son. It’s where the memories mean more as a child.” at which he’d roll his eyes and thought of how many times his Mom flipped off his Dad as he stormed out of the house flailing his arms about. Between the jeans and dresses he saw a door slowly shutting itself, he smiled because it was a familiar thing. These kinds of doors he liked, because it meant adventure, it meant thrill, it meant trouble. He liked adventure, but not trouble. Trouble sucked, but he learned that came with adventure. He leaned his tiny torso forward, imagining Speedy Gonzalez from his favorite cartoons, his legs lifted from the ground and only the tips of his toes hit the strange pavement. Just as he was about to catch the door, a girl about the same height stepped in front of him. She was only a blur, because he spun like a football player avoiding a tackle and managed to stick his foot in the doorway, the bottom of the door bounced off of his foot.
He gasped for air, feeling his heart thumping in his chest for a few seconds. Then he lowered his brow. “What’s the big idea, you…” he looked up at her and realized she was rather cute.
She had brown hair in a pony tail, a bit on the scrawny side, her arms were crossed with a smirk. Her shirt read “Not fair!” and it was pink. She also wore a denim skirt, her nose was like a button, and the sun reflected her pale white skin at her cheeks. “What are you doing buster? This is a no no!” she glared at him with her green eyes, tapping her foot impatiently.
Sighing, he was used to this sort of behavior from girls. Bossy, always seem to want to control everything. He looked at the cellphone still in his hand, two forty-nine. There was no time for getting bossed around by a girl. He stuffed the phone in his pocket, and smiled at her. “You… are cute!”
She raised her eyebrows and her mouth opened, “What?” her arms uncrossed and dropped to her hips where she placed her thumbs. Her foot wouldn’t stop tapping.
“Cute, like a kitty. Cute, like a sleeping puppy.” He checked the corner of his eyes inside the dark doorway, but couldn’t see anything but black.
She stepped closer to him, “Oh I get it, trying to sucker me huh? You do realize, one scream will have everybody looking!” She waved her arms to show him all the adults plodding along like cattle.
He frowned at the giants, but didn’t let her change the subject. “Cute like a baby in a crib.”
Her hand balled up into a fist and she shook it at him as she leaned toward him, “I will make you a rudolph nose buddy!”
He saw his chance and grabbed hold of her wrist now that she was close enough, he pushed the door with his foot wide enough for both of them to enter. He yanked her through the dark doorway, then pulled the door closed quickly.
No one saw them, none of the adults were paying attention. They adjusted their hats, reached into their fannypacks, stuffed corn dogs into their mouths, walked slowly, leaned against things. Even when that door had slammed, they didn’t look. It was as if, nothing happened but it did.
She punched him in the nose. “You don’t grab a girl, freak!”
He staggered backwards covering his nose with one hand, even though his eyes watered he didn’t react in a way she would have expected him to. He pursed his lips, and with his other hand he put a finger in front as if to kiss it, then made the sound. “Shhh.”
She looked around, and though the room was dark there was some light coming from somewhere reflecting off of chrome bars and gears whirring close to silence. The only light she could identify was from the crack at the bottom of the door, which was how she saw to punch this boy in the nose.
She threw her hands up in the air, “No, we can’t be here.” she whispered though, feeling like if she spoke outloud the shadows would grab her.
He took his cellphone out again and turned on the backlight, two fifty-four. Running out of time! Using the phone like a flashlight he shined it ahead illuminating a giant machine. Chrome in most areas, black in some, the gears were gold and slowly spinning their square metallic teeth into each other. “Wow, what the hell is that!” he whispered excitedly.
She stared at it in awe obviously neither of them had ever seen anything like it, she rubbed her eyes, “We better get back outside now, Mr. Pottymouth.”
He stepped closer inspecting the machine, he shined the light above and the gears and pipes never did end. “Go if you want, chicken kisser.”
She scoffed, “How dare-” she was loud so he covered her mouth, she knocked his hand away. “-you!” she finished whispering again.
She turned and grabbed the handle on the door they entered from, but it just clicked. Wouldn’t turn, she sighed. He grinned without her seeing, this is exactly what he wanted, even though the girl was here now to slow him down. He remembered his sister, chasing after him, and tackling him in the middle of his soccer practice. All the adults laughing, echoed in his mind so he shook his head and concentrated on finding a way around the machine, so he walked the only direction that didn’t lead to a wall. He disappeared around a corner.
She suddenly started to feel very lonely, so she walked after the cellphone glow. “You know we can’t do this…” she whispered at his back, “My parents are going to strangle me, I was supposed to wait until they came out of the bathroom!”
He didn’t bother to look back at her, “My parents told me to meet them at Folly Ferry, and if I don’t get there before they start yelling at each other, I’ll never see them together again!”
“Why do your parents yell at each other?” She heard a clicking sound that startled her and she hurried closer to him, placing her hand on his shoulder as she searched the dark direction it came from.
His face wrinkled up from the feel of her soft hand on him, he fought the urge to brush her off when he felt his nose throb in slight pain. “They stopped laughing when my Mom went blind, since then, they never stopped yelling at each other.”
It made sense to her now that he was going to meet them, at first she had thought he was running away. “So why are we in here?”
He shook his head as if she should know, “There was too many legs!”
She nodded, “Oh yeah I hate that.”
They slowly walked forward, the machine started crowding around them so they had to duck down lower and lower until the only way to go on was crawl. They sighed at the same time, realizing this was getting to be a little more scary than it was being next to the door at the beginning.
“You want to go first?” He asked her, shining the phone light on her face.
She shook her head with wide eyes, “So the monsters can get me before you? I think not!”
He smiled, “What if they come from behind?”
Her eyes looked upward, she was thinking about it, “But if they are in front?”
“Then they get you… but they’ll get me anyway, I can’t crawl backwards faster than a monster!” He looked down at the dark crawl space, as he felt his back starting to ache from being hunched over for so long.
“Well I will allow this one time for the boy to go first then. I can crawl backwards pretty fast when faced with a monster.” She motioned him to go first, remembering that the door was locked behind them and this was the only way they were getting anywhere.
He shrugged, “Suit yourself.” He turned and faced the crawl space, then got on his hands and knees. The cellphone had an antenna on the top of it that raised up, so he put it between his teeth, let it hang down, so he could keep the light shining ahead. He began to crawl forward.
“Do you really think there are monsters?” She asked him as she followed him into the crawl space.
He didn’t answer, but he hoped not. His Mom told him once when he was scared during a city wide power outtage, that she was always in the dark and the monsters never got her. She never said, “There are no monsters, Bruce.” that always bothered him, because it made him wonder if his own Mother had been able to escape them as a child when she could see. He didn’t want to come face to face with any monsters, or want to have to escape them. He wanted to believe they didn’t exist, even though he had a feeling deep inside that felt like it was squeezing his heart, and he blamed the shadows for this. He blamed the yelling, which he thought he could hear right now. So he stopped crawling, took the cellphone out of his mouth, and spoke to drown these thoughts.
“Yeah, I really do think so.” He then put the cellphone antenna back between his teeth and moved on.
“Did you just fart?” She groaned.
He grinned for a split second, but it went away quickly when a loud roar filled his ears.
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I think it’s funny because you said your nephew was ten other reviewers assume this character is 10. I saw him right away as a six or seven year old in size and behavior as well as the little girl who may be just small for their age. Anyway, who cares, as the story reads well to a ten year old who would enjoy this even if the characters were four years old or ten.
I like the suspense you build with you child ignoring the text message. It came in nicely as well when he saw his chance for adventure. I found myself wanting to join him and with how you wrote this I too ran between legs and did the cleaver football player move to avoid the girl who was creating interference. I liked the sense of eerie you develop towards the end of this part. It was cool that the girl didn’t panic at being locked in the dark room but at the strange noise. I’m ready for the rest of the adventure.
I like how you understand the mind of a child that you remember what it was like. Way cool. Thanks for taking me back. I remember being just like this little girl.
Smile,
Princess
An interesting story. The bit about the boy crawling between legs makes him seem like he’s much younger. about 3yrs to 5yrs max. A ten year old couldn’t do this easily as they’d be too big. There’s too much in the beginning about the legs and it makes the reader think it’s a story about legs at that point.
Also about developing the characters, there isn’t much room in this type of story. In a short story every word must work harder. Therefore, word choice is critical. Hope this helps. Olga
This is very well done – I enjoyed reading it, and if my kids were still little, this is exactly the kind of story I would enjoy reading to them and they would enjoy hearing. They thrived on this kind of fast-paced, high-tension, kid’s point-of-view story. Your story-telling skills are excellent – you know how to show rather than tell by careful verb choices and nice tight descriptions. The dialogue works well, and you use it effectively to show what these characters are really like.
Punctuation is ragged. Have a friend who knows what s/he’s doing read through this and give you line edits. There’s a tiny bit of excess verbiage as well – nothing that really detracts from the work, but the elimination of which might make this flow a bit more smoothly.
Nice job. I liked this a great deal.
I would say that I enjoyed this thoroughly. I felt a little of myself in the young boy and honestly found myself at the end hoping for more of an explaination. Your character building and imagery intrigue me. I think that your nephew would enjoy this, especially knowing that his uncle created it for him.
I think this is a very good start to what could be a really good story, i like how your using the perspective of a child in the real world and how they see adults and how the power of their imaginations causes them to create monsters and words to describe the jungle of legs, im looking forward to part 2
You start off with a have a very good stream of consciousness style of writing, and that does a good job of pushing the tempo of the piece. The introduction/description of the female charactor upon introduction could use a little re-working.
The bizarre dialogue plays until you start using terms like ‘Rudolph Nose.’ I just don’t feel like that is a phrase to use in the situation.
From there, action moves along nicely, but the ending is insufficient.
This is the beginning of a good story but the creeping around the machinary gets a little slow. It makes me think of a Fair and the rides there where the machine that runs a ride could be the setting of the end of this tale.
We learn about the boy’s mother but not much about the girl’s parents. She seems a bit spoiled but I like the way she follows the boy although doesn’t respect him.
Is there a sequel to tell the reader if they make it out of that crawlspace?
A very good start. Both characters are well developed. It might help if they use each other’s names, just to help identify with them more.
Looking up to see bellies makes them both rather small for 10 year olds, if that is their age.
The story flows well and, as you wanted, fast.
Just a few grammar issues:
“he got the hint from Dad” this bit doesn’t make sense in context?
The sentence could also do with splitting into two:
””..as a child.”. He’d rolled his eyes… “
“were crossed with a smirk” – “were crossed and she wore a smirk” (Sounds like her arms wore a smirk otherwise).
“his foot wide enough” – “his foot, opening it wide enough…”
“It was as if, nothing happened but it did.” – “It was as if nothing happened, but it did.”
“which was how she saw to punch this boy in the nose” – “which was how she managed to see his nose and punch it”
“Wouldn’t turn, she sighed” either put wouldn’t turn in quotes or “It wouldn’t turn, and she sighed”
Again, good work, I hope to see more of this.
‘He stopped in the forest of different pants and shoes for a moment to catch his breath.’
My favorite line in the story – it just makes me smile!
‘He shook his head as if she should know, “There was too many legs!”’
I am going to be completely honest about what I think and it’s this –
It really just seemed too unconvincing that he’d say that. It sounds like something an adult would write in a script for a child character to say [something from that notoriously adult orchestrated Cartoon Network, for example].
I don’t think children generally perceive a disconnection between top halves and lower halves of people. So it’s fun when the crowd of adults is animatedly described in the narrative, but when these adult analysis thoughts actually pop out of our young character’s mouth, now there the wagon’s drawn to a halt, in my opinion.
He is pretty much a normal kid, isn’t he? Not a grown man doing time travel back into a 4 foot high past?
The potty mouth is convincing [lol], children are watching too much TV and listening to adults enough to gather interesting vocabularies of their own. The expression ‘Too many legs’; not likely that they’d pick it up anywhere – except, perhaps, Cartoon Network?
Of course I could be wrong, you do have a nephew – are writing it for him – and perhaps quite some experience in these things. It is an interesting story, and, casting aside the distraction of ‘too many legs’ being a child’s [highly patronizing to them – they could sue! :-)] vs. an adult’s estimation of a child’s thoughts, you’ve got something really going here.
Thanks for sharing!
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