I start my sentences in the last parapgraph with “I” because of the way I want it to read. But yes, I do see what you mean. Thank you.
Poetry / 6:50 am
I bundled my body with a scarf, a knitted cap and a wool button up sweater. 6:50 a.m. and I was on my way to the outside world. As I stepped into the early dawn, I saw nothing that reminded me of morning. The sky was blacker still with small pinpoints of shining light. The air wrapped his long crisp fingers around my form. My nose immediately felt his cold breath and turned a slight rosy color. My cheeks were next and suddenly, I was transformed. I was not an average college student attending an early morning review at 7:00 a.m. I was beautiful with my blushing cheeks and pinkish nose. I was vivacious with labored breathing from climbing four flights of stairs. I was an adventurer braving the black, cloudy, frozen morning. I was a romantic.. staring at the sky. The moon barely covered by a vast mass of cloud. The stars forming Orion, the Earth silent.
Silence. A beautiful moment right before the clamor of the day begins. Silence, before light’s first blush. The street lamps cast a delicate, warm glow onto the sidewalks but its stony surface was desolate. The only sign of life was a delivery truck announcing its presence with a beeping backup. My feet padded by without notice.
This Silence left me alone to wonder. It was invigorating. Yet, It made me feel exciting and hopeless. For I knew daybreak would soon come, and along with it, a cacophony of sounds. I found peace in this unknown Silence.
I found a freedom never experienced in this Silence. A freedom to be alone. To relish the words echoing in my own head. A freedom to be alive and vibrant with cold cheeks and loud breathing. I was shameless.
I could yell at the top of my voice, whisper quietly to the trees, dance in circles down the walk, or merely stand still and feel. No one could take this early morning freedom away from me.
As I step into the warm hallway filled with voices, the enchantment of my dawn is lost.
This silent frigid morning that grants my weary soul a temporary freedom has vanished. Too often I am trapped inside myself by life’s mundane bustle. Again, I wait for the silence, craving my freedom.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
richardlynn51 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like it. I could feel the crisp frosty morning air and because I’ve had the same feeling could relate to the silence and feeling one with myself without all the busy world…good feeling poet ..might want to study “poetic form” to help emphasis parts of the poem..keep it up. thanks
- add/view comments (0)
jweeble reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Very nice description of the pleasures of morning solitude. You are correct, however, in saying that you use morning too many times in the first paragraph. You could use morning, sunrise, day break, first light, dawn, as the sun come up, early in the day, and so on. I would also find another word for the rosy nose. You use it twice close together. You could also restructure your sentences to make many of them not start with “I”.
Overall though, a very nice reflection and pleasant read.
SamiDR reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
knited = knitted; wth = with…definitely needs some editing…As for the piece as a whole, it maybe should be more of a journal entry than a prose piece. It seems quite abecedarian and contrived. Yes, “morning” was used far too much and the whole piece was a bit banal. Try to use stronger imagery with revision.
hypocrasis reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I liked this. The beginning is intriguing, although it could be developed a little more. For example, the swiping thing is a little unclear and I, also being a college student, know you were probably leaving a dorm, but some might get a little querulous at the swiping reference. Other words for morning, maybe try dusk, dawn, daybreak, first light, first blush, etc. Thesaurus, I admit it. Also try using some more original references, metaphors, and whatnot, try to find a more creative way to say what you’re saying, like instead of “the air was brisk and chilly”, try, “The pre-dawn chill entrapped my body, blushing my nose” or something. And you started out with a really nice buildup, and ended it fairly quick. you could fill it out with some more of your thoughts in there or something like that. It is a good premise for a short story, which could be like two pages long or something.
verablue reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
overall a good piece. though it felt a bit more like a snippet of a story than a poem to me…perhaps only because of the was its arranged. i see what you mean about the over use of the word “morning”. perhaps “cold awakening air” or “I stepped outside into the early dawn”...just a couple ideas. hope it helps.
mash reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I smiled while I read this, you’ve done a great job capturing this moment. I didn’t notice the over use of morning in paragraph 1, even when I read it a second time. But maybe pre-dawn or break of day? I’m not a grammar Nazi, but I did find the punctuation and sentence structure confusing in “the stars forming…”.
stephBALTIMORE reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I enjoyed this work, and I feel that the use of morning in the beginning is not too much. Repeating words can have add even more meaning to the work.
I especially like the use of punctuation in the following lines:
“I was beautiful with my rosey colored nose and cheeks. I was vibrant with labored breathing from climbing four flights of stairs. I was an adventurer braving the black, cloudy, frigid morning. I was a romantic.. staring at the sky.”
For some reason the use of no commas to commas to ellipse caught my eye. I think it says something about the context, I am just not sure exactly what.
I look forward to reading more from you.
hubertskid reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I loved it. I felt I was with you, in the cold quiet. I could picture myself in that place. To be cold, and alone, and Alive. I could almost see my breath and regret the light.
Showing 1 - 8 of 8
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
1 Review 0 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 11 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 28 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |