Romance / The Arctic

That was very good. Bravo!

You said: Shadows played across his face.. I would change played to danced. I think that it sounds better that way.

you said: The mars and embarrassments are not seen.. only bright green eyes and a hint of excitement. I am not exactly sure what you are trying to say here. Try to rewrite it.

You said: Locked into each other’s souls.. nothing can shake the stare of longing.
try: Longing takes their bodies as they stare into the depths of each other soul’s.

Otherwise keep up the great work!

I like your third line about soft light. Also the fifth line about fingertips being like fire was good. Maybe the only thing I would work on is the flow of the words. Giddy seems a little elementary, but other than that great job.

You have some nice evocative lines in this piece.  My favorite:Fingertips like fire trace circles into bare skin.
Searing their mark.. forever etched.

I’m not sure I follow this line:The mars and embarrassments are not seen…  The planet mars?  I can’t think of anything else other than a Mars Bar, but I doubt you meant that.

Overall, nice images in this.

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January 13, 2008

by Errwen

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24	100.0% (2 votes)	30.2%

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20	F	United States	July 24

Mar – n. A disfiguring mark; a blemish.

:)

Thanks for the review!

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I enjoyed this very much. Your descriptions were good and I liked the pace. I also like that your changed holds to cradles.  I read that line over with hold and cradle and cradle just kept me in the romantic moment. I think a couple other words could be switched out too, to keep it in the mode and romantic view. Like Instead of, a light shone shyly, maybe a light shimmered shyly.  Etched, is the other one. One more thing is I didn’t quite understand is the line, “The mars and embarrassments are not seen”. I had to step out of the moment and think about it. These are just suggestions so if you like those words and the way the line is written then keep them. This will define who you want to be as a writer. I think you have great potential, especially with your descriptions.  

Very good.  I like how you have written this thick emotion and feeling into a dark setting.  It adds to the feeling of dark arousal.  I only have one thing that I would change…

So am I.. So, am.. I…
to
So am I… So am I…

I like this, I want to read more. I needs to be fleshed out more though. Good start but elaborate more, it was too short for me. “The mars and embarrassments are not seen.” I don’t understand this line? Try not to use ambiguous words. Keep them plain and simple. Overall though I definately like it.

This evokes a lot of emotional response, as romance should. There is the feeling of two people being alone together, not just the description. That is what really makes it work. It is interesting that it is called the Arctic when it seems that there is more heat than ice. The line the air was crisp is the only line that hints the arctic, but it doesn’t need to be the arctic for the air to be crisp.

I think you mean “cradles,” like in how a mother holds her baby. But I like this poem, really. I love how you portrayed the people basically baring their souls, imperfections, etc. to eachother through sex. It’s not a view on it I’ve seen a lot, like the first part of line 9. One thing though, I think you could break this up a little bit, a few of the lines go way to the right, just to make it easier on the reader. But really, I really like it. Nice job. =)

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December 19, 2007

by Errwen

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
24	100.0% (2 votes)	30.2%

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20	F	United States	July 24

oh shoots! I’m typcially a good speller.. but I am exhausted tonight and I guess that changes things.. thank you!

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