Haiku/Senryu / In Japan

Immediately I was excited to read this. This is a very interesting topic, and a very intriguing story. I love this idea of her following her love, and you loosing yours. I think I get 5-6-5, but anyway thanks for sharing

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April 28, 2008

by epj

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
42	25.0% (4 votes)	23.7%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
64	M	Losantville, IN	October 29

Thanks Malyshka for a nice review.  I read your haiku on Rice Fields.  I thought it was very good.  

“Don’t worry about offending me, I don’t like my writing either…..”

This was so funny.  It did make me laugh.

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quite good and love Japan.

Nice Senryu. Sounds like you miss her. I suppose a mail order bride is out of the question. Keep em coming

Ten on both your goals
Hope you see your heart again
Japan’s alluring

Its lovely, I wish i was your heart.

Two times ten on goals
My hearts a twin to your own
Strange we’ve never met

well, it’s a haiku, alright and not much else.  where’s the imagery?  clever use of language?

I understand that haikus are Japanese style poems and are compact by nature (no pun intended) but there’s so much you can do to liven up the piece.

this haiku almost seemed like a statement than a poem.

and, I mean this with respect, I’m just critiquing the style of this haiku in comparison to so many others I’ve read.

peace.

It seems devoid of the fundamental
haiku conventions, content to count
syllables while interjecting persona,
avoiding vivid images, touching on a
sensitive subject and resisting the
seasonal call. Disregarding so many
of the formal conventions is perilous.
Overall, words are not wasted. The
last line could be strengthened by
allusion to a Japanese haiku writer.
Strictly, one’s comma splices the
phrases. A full stop, semicolon, or
colon is better.

I really like this. I would put Japan; and language. as well as the heart’s. Nice work.

I think you mean “heart’s”... but otherwise this is good.