Poetry / A Generated Existence

I like this.
don’t see how the title fits,
maybe you can enlighten me
as to how this adds to an otherwise fine piece.

I wasn’t quite following at the beginning
but by the end I was hooked.

I think the process started at the sets of unshaven legs.
made me wonder: two lesbians who have failed to shave?
two gay men? two cyclists? hmmmmm

“rest next to me
even if we say nothing”
I can relate to this… just to hear you breathing a room away.
powerful feelings are evoked, but cut short by the unshaven legs ;-)
maybe you could soften this somewhat more in the tone of the rest
of the poem… but hey, after all, it is the line that woke me up ;-)P

All of these things aside:
that ending line just takes the cake!!!!!

“you can keep your promises
so that you’re the one who breaks.”

WOW!!!!!!!!
I know I will not be the only one to praise you for this line.

btw: what is MFA???  Masters of Finance Administration?
Master of F’in Adversity?
hmmmmmmm
another thing to ponder.

Thanks so much for sharing this piece.

Evangeline

I got lost a couple of times in this poem. The last line of the first stanza, “come back to the living room,” seemed out of no where. I guess you were trying to introduce the setting, in a house. Try to do that more fully. I also had trouble figuring out if you were on good terms with the lover, or if you were letting it go. The last two lines made me think you were going to leave the person. You have to be careful to not assume that the reader knows more than they do.  

Not bad. You could add more imagery and try to pull int readers more. Also, it sounds like a story maybe you can make it longer and add some things(if not, do what you want)

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December 28, 2007

by anonymous

I do plan on adding more—or who knows maybe it won’t be a poem anymore if I add too much.  I will take your suggestion to add more imagery.  Thanks

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The ending is superb. I enjoyed the rest of the piece as well. It flows very nicely.

Haha, i like the last line, it’s funny. i know this gets said alot .. but i feel you could explore this a lot further and develop a relationship in this piece. the lines youy have so far are very personal and speak of lowly romance? i don’t know exactly what word i am looking for to describe it.

i’ll look for the next version if you decide on one …

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December 18, 2007

by anonymous

More revisions are definitely to come… thanks for the input, I will be making the piece longer since it seems worth something.

December 18, 2007

by Arkaidy

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it really does. too often you read these extremely generic love poems and by the end you get NOTHING out of it that you haven’t heard before and there is not one unique thing to it.

this is quite the opposite, or can be with some work. my main suggestion is to draw on real experiance and add personal and unique moments.

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This is good.  It’s simple and real but subtle in the transitions.  I especially like these two lines:  
“leave your second life
come back to the living room”