Poetry / To The Figure In Front Of Me Vs. 2

My stomach was churning as I read this.  Powerful.  I gathered that you were feeling too pliable and accomodating.  Some of your line breaks and grammatical license were disturbing, but comprehensible with some analysis.

about 8 lines into this poem i put my hand on my head in disbelief of how well this read for me. i know you don’t want a simple “good job” so can i yell “this is amazing!”? lines three and four really cemented the intro for me…informed me of how i should anticipate the flow and tone of this piece. it might just be personal preference but the structure and rhythm implemented here screams aesthetic.

the only thing i thought might need some after-thought was line ten – “So’s” reads oddly…made me back up for a second and kind of teased the flow. also, the sixth line from the bottom (didn’t feel like counting down) in which you use the word “bowed” – i think you could perhaps replace that with a more appropriate verb.

all in all, this poem was amazing. i really, really enjoyed it.

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January 03, 2008

by stardust06

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thanks so much

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I enjoyed it because it let my imagination go to work on it’s own with the subject matter. You didn’t just hammermeover the head with details and facts. At first I thought the story teller was speaking to a friend that had somehow become famous, and was being hared with the rest of the world. It wasn’t until the end when I realized the subject was deceased. I picked up a scent of jealousy at the beginning that fit in nicely with this mis-conception of mine, and it was a bit of a surprise when the end revealed the true nature of the poem.

The poem ends with a bit of hope, as the speaker proclaims that they will carry on, but I think it needs to be firmed up just a bit. It seems as if the narrarator is making the decision to ‘take the lead’ as you say, not because they think it is best for him/herself, but because they think it is what is expected of them. If this is your intent, you might want to add a few lines emphasizing this feeling. If this was not your intent, but instead you are trying to demonstrate the innate strength of the speaker, you might want to build on this a bit too.

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January 03, 2008

by stardust06

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
23	100.0% (1 votes)	29.4%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United States	June 20

Not necessarily because it’s expected, but in that persons honor/on behalf of the person. I’m kind of afraid if I try adding anything from this point that it would be sort of forced and stiff, but I’ll play with it and see what happens.

Thanks for the constructive advice.

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At the start I thought that ‘the person, ‘not so wax’ was someone that the poet had had a crush on as a child. Towards the end I was not so sure. Obviously the poet is conversing with someone from the past who may never get to read these musings.  I suggest, ‘so irritating. So’s this aching,’  & ‘it’s your turn to take the lead.’ Or even ‘That it’s my turn to take the lead.’

I find this piece heartbreakingly honest. Your pain is real and something that most of us have felt in some way at sometime. The pain of loss through death. It’s oh so…final. And then you never really know how you are supposed to feel, what’s ok. Like there’s some guidebook on proper ettiquette. While I’ve never lost a sibling, and I’m the oldest so I will never understand having to fill the shoes of a big brother or sister, your words put me there.

i’ll be brief. i want you to know that i love this. i don’t quite understand why “now” is so isolated. ”...from a full cup…..of living” might also sound good as “a full cup…of life” but, obviously, this is a work just for you-don’t change anything if it’s not right. thank you for posting this.

Imagery in the first stanza really grabbed at me because it’s relatable. Everyone has heard those giggles.
I like the version of the third stanza that you put in the body of the text best out of the choices you offered.
This is a small thing, but in my humble opinion it might make it a little stronger. Take the and out of the following (They did your hair wrong/
and it’s irritating.) and make it into… They did your hair wrong./It’s irritating.

It didn’t ruin the whole poem for me but I was thrown a little out of the poem by the following lines, How can I be for him/what you were for me?
I didn’t know who “he” was and couldn’t tell what the speakers relationship was with “him”.

Those are just some small things. Overall it held my interest and I liked the exploration of how you feel when you lose someone and how you can’t help but talk to them still…even if it’s just in your mind.

When reading the rhythm was a bit choppy.  I like the form of the piece I use this type of form in my poetry.  I always look for the metaphors to be more alive and moving.

I think the beginning would be more powerful like this:

You looked different
when I knew you.
Not so…
wax.

They did your hair wrong
and it’s irritating.
So’s this aching,
stabbing
in my gut.

The lines I’ve deleted undermine the raw power of these lines. They are so good.

Stanza 3 starts to ‘drift around’ itself. Stanza 4 has conventional images of following someone’s footsteps, being a shadow… this has been said many times before. If the images were more fresh they would come over as more real and have more impact. In Stanza 5 the word ‘things’ is lazy, do you mean voices? The sister’s voice? The last line of the poem needs to come out of the previous lines more directly, a reshuffling of order of the lines may be called for so the last stanza after its first three lines reads something like:

You were cheated
from a full cup
of living.
But I know what you’d say –
It’s your turn now to take the lead.
I can try.

Maybe the poem can then go on to explore what taking the lead means. It may be difficult for someone unaccustomed to doing so. It’s suggested that there are younger siblings to be lead, how will they react? It may be that the way of performing the role may be different from how the elder sister would have done it. There may be guilt at supplanting the sister etc

I don’t know whether this comes out of a life experience or not, I can only critique it as a poem. As such it shows a lot of promise and very much worthwhile taking further.