Sci Fi & Fantasy / Kel

Kel jumped down from the wall when she heard the car coming up the gravel road.  Summer sunlight flashed off its windows, and the hum of its hover-jets harmonized with the chorus of cicadas and bumblebees in the snowball bush.  The car pulled into the yard and settled beside her father’s old truck.  The door opened.
     “Uncle Edan!”
     Kel ran across the yard and threw her arms around the man almost before he was out of the car.  He returned the hug, laughing.
     “Easy, girl.  Have pity on an old man.”
     She released him and stepped back.  ”Ha!  Who’s an old man?”
     Kel had figured out years ago that Edan wasn’t really her uncle, although the habit of calling him that had stuck.  Great-uncle, she guessed, because he wasn’t much older than her father.  Maybe a cousin, like Daeren.  She knew he was some sort of relative, anyway; he had the family’s peculiar mutation, although Edan was ice-pale in hair and eyes, where Kel and her father were brown.
     “I thought you were running the Kentaur line,” she said, draping herself across the hood of the car.  ”We weren’t expecting you until next spring.”
     “The ship’s off rotation,” said Edan as he turned and took a small bag out of the car.  ”They’re keeping us insystem until further notice.”
     “Did you bring something for me this time?”  Kel asked, looking at the bag.
     “Don’t I always?  And for your father, too.  Where is your father?”
     “Kansas.  He’ll be back this evening.”
     Kel’s father traveled to Kansas twice a year – on business, he said.  He always returned quiet and thoughtful for several days afterward.  Kel didn’t think he liked whatever it was he did there.
     “You are staying for dinner, aren’t you?”  said Kel, pulling Edan toward the front porch.
     “Who are you talking to?”  Her mother came to the door with a glass jar in her hand.
     “Hello, Elena,” said Edan.
     “Well, hello yourself, Edan,” said Elena Grey.  ”Aren’t you supposed to be halfway between here and Kentaurus right now?”
     Edan chuckled.  ”We’ve been through this already.  Jellico wants me home,” he said, glancing back across the yard, “just in case… Area of expertise and all that.”
     “Oh,” said Elena.  ”We’re certainly glad to see you,” she added, and gave him a not in front of the child look.
     “Oh, please,” said Kel, and jumped down off the porch.  ”If you can’t discuss it in front of your own daughter, maybe you shouldn’t be discussing it at all.”
     “She’s got a point,” said Edan, grinning at her.
     “Two,” Kel retorted, “but what’s that got to do with anything?”
     She crossed the yard back to the stone wall where the elderberry bushes grew, stopping to make faces at herself in the reflective window of Edan’s car.  Brown hair, hazel eyes, faint freckles… wide headband covering her ears.  It wasn’t that she was ashamed of how she looked or anything; she just didn’t like being stared at.  Uncle Edan was different.  He seemed almost proud of the mutations that set him apart from most people.  He certainly didn’t try to hide them.  Not like her father.

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galadriel avatar General Friend

June 15, 2008

galadriel

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galadriel reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Whats  Kentaurus?
You did not say any detail of the mother nor her father you only said that her father did not like to go to Kansas but that is all.
Like the story althuogh its kind of short you really should make it longer.
You left me wanting to read more.
You should really continue.

Carie avatar General Stranger

December 24, 2007

Carie

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Carie reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I want to read more!  I like your characters and the scenery.  The sci-fi elements are a little too subtle, but this is such a small portion of what I hope you with it, that it doesn’t matter.  I hope you keep writing it.  

Alice_Headband avatar General Stranger

December 24, 2007

Alice_Headband

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Alice_Headband reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This a frustrating post since I wanted to know more about Edan but you concealed so much from the reader. I understand that it is an excerpt, however it would be great to have a little more detail so that the reader can warm to this character all the more.

BSRiter avatar General Stranger

December 24, 2007

BSRiter

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BSRiter reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Kal’s world is convincing if not a little subtle. It as if you are trying hard to hold back the world you created lest you reveal too much and totally blow the readers mind. So is Jellico on earth? Eldar (a nice name) is supposed to be going to Kentaurus yet Kal’s dad is in Kansas. The mention of Kansas makes me think that Jellico is a small town in located in Iowa or something, but the mutations, and mention of space travel to distant planets makes me want to put it outside this solar system. It took my a second to figure out where the whole “point” conversation went also. I had to read it twice before I got it. Good story overall. I give it a solid B+.

LostVeggie avatar General Stranger

December 24, 2007

LostVeggie

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LostVeggie reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Your characters are very believable and interesting and--most importantly--fun to read about. :)  Uncle Edan and Kel have a quirky relationship, which is fun and heartwarming.

The only part I would clear up a bit is the part about her ears.  What’s wrong with them?  Are they purple?  Super-sized?  Cat ears?  It seems that this is going to play some sort of role in the development of the character, so I think it’s important that you clarify.

Maybe I’m just dirty-minded (or it could be because no reference to Kel’s ears had been made yet) but when Uncle Edan retorted that Kel had two points, I immediately imagined her breasts.  And I’m a girl. -.-;

So yeah, I think that last bit needs to be worked on some.  Other than that, very interesting, and I’d like to read more!  I like how you give it very subtle sci-fi elements, instead of just making it a glaring sci-fi piece.

revanwithin avatar General Stranger

December 24, 2007

revanwithin

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revanwithin reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

The writing is good, but I really hadn’t gotten interested in the story by the time your post ended. Not enough has happened in what you’ve posted thus far to really engage me. The characters are fine. There was only one thing that hit me weird, and it’s probably just me.

“she heard the car coming up the gravel road. Summer sunlight flashed off its windows, and the hum of its hover-jets harmonized.” (When I first heard “gravel road” I thought the car was on the gravel. Then you hear about the hover jets. I had to go back and reread it because I got the impression that the gravel was making a sound and I almost thought there was a mistake. It’s probably fine as is. I’m just letting you know what I felt)

hellbunny avatar General Friend

December 24, 2007

hellbunny

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hellbunny reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

It’s warmly written.  This is the kind of sci-fi that I can read while curled up by a fireplace.  I like the relationship between Kel and Edan.  Your descriptive sound of cicadas works well with the hover car.  It gives the readers a sense they are in a rural area.  I am guessing the mutation is pointy ears?  

Chrysalis avatar General Stranger

December 24, 2007

Chrysalis

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Chrysalis reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I love it.  You’ve introduced your characters well, and you’ve established a place, time (still somewhat vague, but I’m sure it will be clearer later on in the story), and reality that’s very engaging.  I want to know more, and I like the buildup of anticipation and the smaller plot points you’ve dropped.  As a first page, this really excites the reader and it helps them lose themselves in the world you’ve created.

The names Kel, Edan, Daeren, Kentaur and Elena work very well for me, but Jellico takes me out of the story a little bit.  I can’t explain why, except maybe because of the association my mind makes with the first two syllables- Jelli- it’s too silly a name for me not to be distracted by it.

Are you an English teacher?  When someone tells me they don’t need proofreading it’s usually a total mess, but this is immaculate.  Well done!  I’m glad I got a chance to read this.

jaiku avatar General Stranger

December 23, 2007

jaiku

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jaiku reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I can’t give you professional publisher advice, but I can say that I would read this in a gulp if I found it in a  magazine of properly presented novel/novella format. Imagine yourself as one of your own students. All told, was that period a world aborning, or a waste of everyone’s time? I don’t mean to seem harsh, but I pay for public schools like I do dinner, and don’t want my waiter writing anything but my tab, thank you very much. 5×9  

fiction84 avatar General Stranger

December 23, 2007

fiction84

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fiction84 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

it reminds me a lot of george effinger.
have you read anything from him like when gravity fails?

it has – your writing – a very mid-eastern feel, sorta hindu meets hi-tech.
i enjoyed it, but dont see where its really gonna go
like whats up with edan

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Weaver

Age: 36
Loc: Lexington, KY
Gen: M
Last Login: July 22
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