Thanks. I think the second line is most problematic with this. I’ve adjusted it since I posted the piece a while back.
Limericks / Limerick of the Trenches
Down in this valley of sin,
Neither black nor white can win,
I saw death in the sand,
In this poor no-man’s land,
As I wait for the end to begin.
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CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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this is a really dark piece, in the best way. i don’t think anything could be changed without taking away from the mood, so don’t. ummm, my one complaint is that limmericks are supposed to be slightly funny or at least juvenile and this is neither but i guess i should respect your reviewer’s note and take this piece for it’s artistic value. nice work. keep writing
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Korp reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the last line; the contrast works. I don’t think the third and fourth lines flow together well. I think it might be the repetition of “in.”
Good job otherwise.
epj reviewed Version 1 -
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Why change anything? I thought it was fine. I really liked the last line, “wait for the end to begin”. It fit so well with the situation the limerick implied. Good job.
Pavel reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure I agree with you for the need for a limerick about war and misery (unless it’s a parody.) Limericks are not a particularly effective vehicle for conveying dark thoughts.
Line two has the right number of syllables, but the wrong cadence; read it aloud to yourself to see what I mean. You’ve got to have a couple unaccented syllables next to each other to make it flow.
Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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Each line supports the theme and that is good. Your last line should have the same syllable count as lines 1&2. Could read as: (Wanting the end to begin).
evath reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
Great topic! Can’t remember ever seeing a limerick about war or racism in the genre.
The only criticism I’d make is that it doesn’t seem to fit the rhyme pattern for limericks very well.
I think the 1st 2 lines need the same number of seemless (flowing) syllables and lines 3 and 4 need to have the same number of syllabls, too, whether 5 or 6.
Line 6 normally has the same “beat and measure” as lines 1 and 2
possibly 1 beat more.
I can’t say exactly, but I do know a limerick (or what I read them to be whilst in school studying) does consist of.
I do like this a great deal!!!!!
I could only like it more and find it amongst the great limericks,
should you polish up the meter a bit.
I have a few limericks up, in case you feeling like reviewing mine, too.
I believe they are still in the queue.
Good luck!
E~
brahmasong reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the idea of what you’re choosing as a sbject!
but it isn’t in the conventional rythmic pattern you need to alter it to fit the convention
ScarletM reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting; I never read a downbeat limerick before.
I think the second line needs another syllable or two—how about “neither this side nor that side can win”?
Is it about Iraq by the way?
Happylove reviewed Version 1 -
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I know this isn’t really being helpful, and I’m sorry. But to be honest I like it, it definitely gives the air of war. I don’t exactly know much about limericks, only about their form and that they’re usually witty and humorous, but I like the way you took this.
Candaceflorella reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this fascinatingly dark.
Candace
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