Ta muchly for the generous comment.
Journalism / Hell Is Other People (Pt 1)
It’s confession time. This opinionated fool, whose words fill these endless pages with streams of inconsequential drivel, is rather shy. Tee-hee. Suddenly I am 12 again, blushing at some casual innuendo made by one of the older boys between Double Maths and Home Economics. Why, sir… I am not embarrassed at all, ‘tis merely the rough Caledonian winds that turn my cheeks so rosy-red. I assure you.
I have had something of a sadomasochistic relationship with my shyness over the years. When it becomes problematic are the times that I suffer from KTS, otherwise known as Knotted Tongue Syndrome, when words disintegrate into slivers of acidic saliva and slide back down my throat in defeat. There have been numerous occasions when I have suppressed potential opinions, jokes or observations in public for fear they would merit scorn, derision or unrequited loathing for my fellow man or woman. On the other hand, the shy individual has a capacity for observation like no other that helps to improve their understanding of the human condition and likewise has made it possible for me to write these very pieces on the back of my time out there. There is comfort to be found in the secret, inner realm of the person and this dimension is just as crucial as the individual we project to the remainder of the universe.
But this three-part blather concerns itself with the contention made by the man on my right, Mr. Jean-Paul Sartre, that the most difficult aspect of human existence is the inevitable interaction with other mortal beings. When we look at society en masse, do we view a gang of intellectual equals and people whom we should fight for and defend to the last breath? Or does the gene pool need a little chlorine; infested as it is with a sea of dense and self-satisfying fools who enjoy the recorded works of Garth Brooks and Avril Lavage? What do I think? Glad you asked. Well… I’m just about to figure that one out. Thoughts follow below.
1. The Process of Elimination
Firstly, let is deal with the thorny issue of those people whom make our lives an impossibility and interfere with its overall enjoyment. You know of whom I speak, I am sure. When I am outside in the real world in my normal incarnation, I make every attempt to be personable and accommodating to each individual I encounter, irrespective of my mood at whatever period in the day. However, there are some folks who refuse to conform to the same standard of social politeness and therefore spoil at least the pretence of a polite society full of articulate, charming and amiable souls. I believe that, like most defaults in human behaviour, we can trace this back to the days of adolescence. Having just spent the last eight years in the company of teenagers, I feel I have some understanding as to how their mindset works. And I use the word “works” in an ironic sense, of course. I also use the word “mindset” in an ironic sense.
a. The Manners Workshop
Last week, I bumped into a drunk student who refused to apologise to me for his spatial clumsiness. This disgraceful behaviour I believe we can trace back to the days of their early youth. There is a quite obvious pattern of degeneration that begins within the teenager from about 12 and it stems from some kind of imbalance in parental attention. The youth either has far too much attention and grows up with the freedom to stumble around with little self-awareness in public in this state of inebriation, or on the other hand has insufficient attention and so requires to debase himself so that people will look at him, regardless of how undignified he looks. It is therefore likely that we can trace all social rudeness back to the teenage years and possible, I believe, to instigate a scheme of social conditioning that should become obligatory in schools. But first, a look at how this rudeness in adulthood manages to develop.
The following are some examples of rudeness I have experienced from other human beings over the years and below them I believe potential explanations for their actions:
i. Act of Rudeness: Pushing in front of me in a queue at the train station.
Potential Explanation: Being overshadowed by an older or younger sibling or being unpopular with the other children at school.
ii. Act of Rudeness: Elbowing me in a busy crowd and failing to apologise.
Potential Explanation: Was a school bully as an adolescent or was rejected by a parent while very young.
iii. Act of Rudeness: Making casual jokes about things I have said only ten minutes after being introduced to me.
Potential Explanation: Has always taken the spotlight since very little, feels the need to criticise others to appear superior.
These are just a few examples of some possible social rudery that I have encountered, without naming the persons in question. The scheme I believe we should institute in schools involves both the parents of the child and the child whose mind should be shaped. Since it is impossible for parents to keep tabs on the kind of influence other children are having on them at school, this system eliminates this and also helps solve the problem of ineffectual parents who fail to mould their progeny into half-decent members of the human race. The scheme is essentially a series of workshops whereby the social abilities of both the parents and the children are tested with some role-playing in order to correct the way in which the child comports his or herself.
It also helps to trace the bad seeds that some parents implant in their children. One scenario might run like this, for example. The teacher plays the part of a beggar, constantly haranguing the father to give him some money and it is the role of the father to try and keep as level a head as possible. It is under such provocation where we can discover the sorts of negative character traits that are the detriment of good social conduct. The dialogue might run thus (were it to take place in Scotland, whence I write):
Teacher: “Got any change, pal? Go on, just 50p!”
Father: “Sorry, I don’t have anything on me.”
Teacher: “Come on, ye must hae something oan ye. I can hear change janglin’ in yer pocket.”
Father: “No, I really don’t have anything on me, I’m sorry.”
Teacher: “That’s a lot ae nonsense. I can hear coins in yer pocket. Come oan, whit are you gonnae spend them oan? I havenae got anywhere tae sleep the night and you’ll be goin’ back home taw yer fancy pad and aw that. Come on jus’ gie us 50p, ye stodgy bastard!”
Father: “I don’t have any fecking money, all right! And even if I did, I wouldn’t give it to someone like you! You’re just some sick, helpless druggie so get the feck out of my way! I have somewhere to be.”
Under this kind of provocation, we can see that this father has a short temper and an ill-informed opinion about this homeless gentleman. He has resorted to using foul language and making an unhelpful and unfair judgement on this person. From this, we can see that the child might grow into the kind of self-involved individual who does not hold doors for others, who will sever friendships or relationships because they are no longer personally advantageous to him, or who might turn violent in a heated argument. He is also likely to pass these negative traits onto his own children and continue the cycle with no thought for correction at any stage. What this workshop does is extracts the negative traits and helps extinguish them from the personalities of these children by showing them the proper way in which to deal with these sorts of situations; thereby instilling the children with a framework on which to build their social politeness and to continue it, even if they themselves are unaware of how to react in certain social situations. This is one method to help make our push-and-shove globe into a please-and-thank you one; even if most parents would find it an offensive and outrageous proposition.
b. Rudeness Russian Roulette
But what of those rude souls currently at large on the world as of this very moment? As I write this very line, some greasy-haired ignoramus has just pushed past an old lady in a supermarket with a bursting trolley while her basket has just a bag of sugar and some bunion cream in its depths. Yes, she is in the wrong aisle, but that does not excuse the rudeness. It can be quite outrageous just how impolite some folks are these days. The world I grew up in never looked as coarse and as insensitive as the one we have now. These days, decadence and debasement are virtues for the young and morally blinkered, and I for one refuse to be a part of the circus of lager-filled merriment and the casual festivities of capitalistic escapism. That is just the kind of laid-back and fun guy I am. So since the current generation cannot be stopped from needless self-expression in the form of tattoos, 30-second relationships and text messaging, I propose we need a method of curtailing all of the activities in society at large that encourage social rudeness.
The idea of applying Russian roulette to this scheme was an appealing one. If you have ever been unfortunate enough to brave what is known in cyberspace as the “chat room” you will understand the type of callous twerp who passes us by in queues every day. These people use the internet to feed their streak of misanthropic bile and deploy vulgar pseudonyms through which to indulge in great screeds of syntactical effluent. What I propose, not just for the internet, but for society at large, is a system whereby those caught being intolerable tossers in the wider world are given a rudeness tally. Say someone has been reported to the authorities for littering or swearing in public; then that individual shall be penalised 50 points. For each inconsiderate act they then commit that is reported, further penalties shall be added until they reach 300 points, at which point they must report to the police station.
Once at the police station, the individual is then directed towards the roulette room whereupon they have two spins of the gun and are forced to point it to their heads and pull the trigger. If they survive the ordeal, then they will probably be more likely to exercise further caution in future and not contribute to a rude and inconsiderate world where some people need a damn good slapping. If they continue to offend, then they will led back to the roulette room for second spin of the revolver. Those who are killed will help to scare those people close to the 300 points mark. I believe society would be just that little bit nicer in the long run and although a harsh, Orwellian proposition, it is for the greater good of the world at large so it is all right.
At least that is my defence, anyway…
Next time, when people are just a little too nice for my liking.
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blimprue reviewed Version 1 -
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Seems to me this is the voice of criticism-not journalism. Technically, it might work on an opinion page; but lately most opinion pages are greatly truncated to parallel people’s attention spans.
Every U.K. resident seems to have a “voice,” as terms like “screed” are not often, if ever, utilized by Americans. There is also the “tongue in cheek” dynamic of the opening contrasting with the much dryer, almost clinical suggestions of behavior modification to follow (with the grand exception of the Scottish bloke).
There is definitely an audience for this; who knows to what degree your final, “Orwellian” proposition might be taken, in a world hypnotized by the purported efficacy of torture and illegal wiretapping?
good luck
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The_Krank_Nilic reviewed Version 1 -
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For starters, this issue of social rudeness is a topic that I find very difficult not to get heated about. What immediately strikes me is that you are also a man who’s lost faith in the general population, particularly “The Youth”. I particularly like the “Rudeness Russian Roulette” idea! Let’s not forget, people like coldplay and voted for the nazis, i.e. people aren’t to be trusted. I found the article entertaining, I particularly like the way you present your ideas in a scientific-like way. I think it’s quite hilarious, because as the reader I tended to be just on the verge of drifting into text-book reading mode and then is suddenly confronted with an expletive, I think this tactic works very well. Overall I think you have some very strong ideas and quite a unique way of presenting them, a winning combination. Well done!
wanderingstar127 reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting topic to write on. The beginning caught my attention and made me want to read more although it was rather long. Your ideas are expressed clearly and the writing reads fluidly. The Russian roulette idea is a pretty racy one, but hypothetically speaking, it could work. Catchy stuff, can’t wait for pt. 2!
mainer reviewed Version 1 -
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ok this is just way too funny. I also identify with the shyness issue and how you described it. I could easily see this published in a magazine-seriously. you write in a way that others can identify with, and also laugh with. It also flows nice, so I don’t get confused and I can follow it without getting bored. write more!
dark_angel_826 reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the concept of your piece. People are generally too rude for my liking as well. I liked the first course of action. The cycle of teaching what you learn can be a bad thing if you learned the wrong thing to begin with. I do believe that your second course of action is too harsh and cold.
There were parts of this that were humorous and overall I enjoyed it. As far as a journalistic voice, it doesn’t show here. This is too personalized to be journalism, too opinionated.
I hope this has helped some.
sexysadie77 reviewed Version 1 -
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ha ha ha. I had a mile on my face the entire story. I love the style you have written in. It makes me feel as though i was actually there. I love this!!! Also, to answer your question, yes, I do think you have a very LOUD voice as a journalistic writer. Your piece was hard to read slow. I just wanted to read it and to see what you were going to say next. Kudos. AWESOME….
isis1981 reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, the article was humorous, but I disliked the topic. Maybe it’s because I am from the younger generation, but in my 26 years of existence, I have come to a profound understanding of human nature. People are who they are, have been who they are, and will always be who they are. I highly doubt that this nicer, brighter, cleaner world ever existed. Some mispelling, but overall a pleasant article.
Taoistpunk reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah…reminds me of a Johnathon Swift affair, something about a Modest Proposal! I will say that any attempt to look too deeply at the nature of human interaction will end up being, for the most part, a sobering and oftentimes depressing affair.
So then, is your proposal to redeem the offenders of the world a feasible one? Of course not.
But it was a well written piece. A solid essay, humorous, clear, and in proper form. If one rude person reads it and is reformed by that single act, then it was worth whatever time it took to pen. I’m looking forward to the follow up (damn the nice to a hell of niceness)!
brioesque reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, I was entertained. The subject matter is obviously not original but your ideas and voice are. However, you fluctuate between being amusingly frustrated and just irate which is a bit of a problem.
The first paragraph is awkward. Take out “Tee-hee” and put in a sentence that explains the situation in your 4th sentence. The last sentence’s formal tone is jarring and distancing.
2nd & 3rd paragraphs are really great. Except:
“unrequited loathing for my fellow man” from my fellow man?
“on the back of my time” this makes the sentence a little difficult.
Not a thorough editing job but a few more notes:
- “I also use the word “mindset” in an ironic sense.” take this out, I don’t think it says what you intend.
- Take out the explanation of your examples of rudeness. They stand well enough on their own.
- “rudery” You need to make it clear that this is a word you have invented.
- “so it is all right.” This sentence needs a punchier ending.
davidcarter reviewed Version 1 -
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The piece would make a funny and interesting editorial in a foriegn magazine or newspaper. Overall, it could be used in some other publication, universally. The writer has made a good “stab” at becoming a journalist, and has written some thought provoking and entertaining material.
The material had me looking through the dictionary to find out the meaning of some of the words, and this is probably good. The writer forces you to work with him, and you wind up learning some things. I would say he/she should keep up the good work.
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