I was hesitant to post the whole chapter at once, probably because I don’t always have time to read the longer posts. The rest of the chapter is on the site, along with Ch. 2. Hope you get to read more.
Young Adult / Gifted, Ch. 1 Pt. 1
It was Charlotte’s last summer vacation before college, and she only had two plans: sleep late every morning, and spend at least half of the summer in her pajamas.
But it was hard to say no to Tamara, so Charlotte waited in the driveway, wondering if the sun would arrive before Tam did.
Perching on her suitcase, Charlotte wished she had said no. She wished when Tamara had called two days earlier, she would have had enough courage to say no, hang up the phone, and go back to playing video games.
“You’ve got to come to camp with me. I promised I would bring help, and everyone else refused.” Tamara was begging, and she never begged. “When I asked Jeff, he just laughed and hung up the phone.”
“How bad is this place if your boyfriend won’t come?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Tam said, “he’s my lackey.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
“I’m leaving for school right after I get back from camp,” Tamara reminded her. “This is your last chance to spend time with me before I go to California, reinvent myself, and change the world.”
“I still think you should go to school here with me. You’re abandoning me for the beach, and I have to share a room with a stranger.”
She heard Tamara’s car before she saw it turn the corner; the thing wheezed and coughed more than her asthmatic great-aunt.
“Did you bring it?” Charlotte asked. “I’m not going to be stuck in the woods for a month without it.”
Tamara nodded. “Case of Mountain Dew, as promised.”
“Where? I don’t see it.”
The back windows of the hatchback were plastered with stuff. They would only be at camp for a month; it looked like Tamara had packed for three. Charlotte was afraid to open any of the doors in case she triggered a jack-in-the-box effect.
“Underneath my pillows. Look, you can see the corner of the box.”
“For someone who likes to bring a lot of stuff, you have an awfully small vehicle,” Charlotte said. She only had one small suitcase and her backpack. If necessary, she’d sneak into the kitchen at night and do laundry in the sink.
“I prefer to think of it as being well-prepared. You never know what you might need.”
They drove through the old iron gate several hours later. At the base of the hill, the girls parked the car alongside a half dozen others. Four shingled cabins sat atop the hill, settled into their places like roosting hens warming their eggs. The path to the cabins was too uneven and narrow for cars and was full of half-exposed roots from the great trees that shaded the path. Four cabins for the boys sat on the other side of the camp, and a single smaller cabin lay in neutral territory near the main building.
Charlotte and Tamara made three trips maneuvering around rocks and roots to get their luggage to the cabin.
“Just so you know,” Charlotte puffed as they climbed the hill, “I’m not helping you take these down to the car when we leave. You can just push your suitcases down the hill. They will wait for you at the bottom.”
“You’re missing the point. The suitcase walk is the first opportunity to get the guys’ attention. Observe.” She tilted her head toward two overly tan guys. Tamara saw them watching and waved in a way Charlotte had never seen her use. “See? In a few weeks they’ll be carrying our bags for us.”
Charlotte laughed. “Naturally they would wait until the downhill trip to offer assistance. I’d like it more if they stopped staring and helped us!” She tugged as the wheels cleared a large rock.
They added the last bags to the heap in the middle of the floor. The whitewashed rectangular cabins were each lined with bunk beds on both longs walls, tall windows nestled between each bed. Charlotte heaved one bag onto her bunk and fished out an elastic band for her hair. The air was hot and thick.
“Today, before the kids arrive, is the time to assess the situation, find the best candidates, and make our intentions clear,” Tamara instructed. Charlotte gave her best confused look. “Your intentions, of course, being to have fun.” Tamara lowered her voice, even though they were the only ones around. “Last year, five guys gave me their numbers. This time I’m trying for eight.”
If Charlotte had known that summer camp drove her rational, levelheaded friend into hormone overload, she would still be at home. “I’m not sure what to do with this boy-obsessed version of you, Tam. Is this why the guys refused to come? Is the fresh air too much?” At school, Tamara gave the impression that she’d rather eat a boy than date one. “This is the final prank on the new girl, right? Send her into the woods with Tamara and see if she comes out alive.” She unrolled her sleeping bag and shook it. “The jerks. At least I warn them when you get political.”
“The others said no because they are not as unselfish as you and I are. You’re the crazy one if you still think of yourself as the new girl. You’ve been with us since freshman year.” Tamara leaned against the metal rails on Charlotte’s bed. “Listen carefully, for you are about to receive vital information. If you want the best guys, aim for the athletic directors and lifeguards. One of the Martin twins will be acceptable if you’re willing to lower your standards a little. Whatever you do, watch out for the cowboys, anyone named Pete, and especially Pirate Dave.”
Charlotte shook her head. She thought she must have misunderstood. “What’s gotten into you, and who’s Pirate Dave?”
Tamara deftly ignored the first part of the question. “As far as I know, he’s worked here for years. The kids all love him. He’s like the camp mascot.”
“If everyone loves him, why do I have to stay away?”
Tamara turned from her opened suitcase to Charlotte and gave her a wicked grin. “I hear he also likes to go after the new girl. So the summer won’t be a total loss.” Charlotte’s eyes widened. Tamara shrugged. “He’s really not too bad, and he’s always got an unusual story to tell. Even so, I’d still put him in the slightly creepy category, so just keep your eyes open.”
Three long whistle blasts burst from downhill. Tamara grabbed her sunglasses. “C’mon. Meeting’s in ten minutes.”
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked reading this even though it wasnt my cup of tea. To me this is like a girl story like the babysitters club or something. You did a good job making it come off that way. You gave good description of the camp, but wished you gave us a name or tell us what kind of camp it was.Also the two characters lacked descriptions but I didnt really damage the story. I rated this an 8 because I thought it was well written for what it was.
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frizzbug reviewed Version 1 -
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Very, very good job. Like I’ve been saying, this story is amazing. It keeps you interested, it’s funny and thoughtful – and different. Very good for a young adult novel. So far it seems much like something a 14-15 year old -likely girl, guys don’t usually like stories at that age, where a woman is the main character – would read. Keep writing!
tanithsdestiny reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this worked nicely with the prologue.
““He’s not my boyfriend,” Tam said, “he’s my lackey.” ….I love that! It adds a bit of humor to the piece and sort of characterizes Tamara.
Between lines 13 and 14, you might want to insert a space so that the flashback doesn’t get mixed in with the present.
You have great character development going with Tamara and Charlotte. Nice work!
jmantooth reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you’ve got the right voice for young adult. You voice sounds like a teenager’s and that’s a good thing. Not having read the prologue, I was a tad confused, but I was also disappointed when it ended so quickly. I wanted to read more. The dialogue was sharp and the characters well drawn. I wished for a little more description of the camp, though.
Overall, good work. I would read more.
NeverSayGoodbye reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this story so far, and id love to continue reading it. I smiled while reading this because you used some funny discriptions, such as, Tam looking like she wanted to eat a boy instead of date one. You capture whats going on, and really what goes on in some teenage girls minds quite well actually. Thats one of the first things on a girls mind when going to a girl/guy camp! You describe things very well and make it easy to picture the story in your head which is a plus. id be happy to know when you come up with more. :)
~shayla
rck419 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your dialogue is excellent. It was lifelike, and your characters seemed real. Some parts were a bit rushed, but what story doesn’t have one or two? I think the way you interpret the feelings of the characters and display them through thoughts and speech rather than simply stating it is great. You handle showing the two girls completely different personalities as well. The packing suitcase part was a little scrambled it seemed, but still got the point across. Your description of “Pirate Dave” was a good one, showing slight danger or awkwardness.
“For someone who likes to bring a lot of stuff, you have an awfully small vehicle,” Charlotte said.
-How about, instead, make it comical and simply say “Tam, you really need a bigger car.” Theres no need to use vehicle, thats just my opinion though. Great work.
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