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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Rosewood: Memories of the Fallen Angel. Chapters one and two.
Chapter one: In search of Identity
My eyes opened and I realized that I was resting on a soft bed, covered with a furry blue blanket. The birds outside chirped rhythmically and the sunlight reflected from the window was hurt my eyes. I could tell the time of day was morning. I sat up looked around to see the walls were painted pink and the drawers and the desk stood against it, standing opposite of each other. 8:04AM was read on the digital alarm clock standing on top of the desk. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here. I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.
My barefoot stepped on something hard on the floor. I looked down and saw a silver heart shaped pendant I bent over and picked up the locket. It was the size of my thumb, decorated with small tiny diamonds. I opened the locket and saw a photo of a young woman on the left who seemed to be wearing a casual purple dress. Next to her on the right was a little girl, who wore similar clothing except that she wore pink instead. Both of them had long black hair and they were smiling at each other. I glanced at the little girl again, and I felt as if I’ve seen her before. On the left side of the locket I spotted something printed on the silver metal. On The upper left corner were two letters engraved “L.R” printed on small letters and in the middle of the heart, there was date carved into the locket that said:
20
December
1995
I wondered why the date was even printed there. What happened on that day? Why was it so significant? Who does this locket belong to? There was a knock on the door, and I jumped in surprise when I heard it. I watched the door and remained alert, until seconds later, the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman whom I cannot recognize, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in. Her rectangular glasses were crooked, it looked as if they were about to fall off her face. Her scarlet hair looked as if it were never brushed for weeks. Her dark green eyes came into contact with mine, she and said to me in a somewhat timid voice.
“Oh, you’re awake”
I continued to stare at her, and said nothing.
“What’s your name?” said the woman, smiling, “My name is Solana Frost.”
I didn’t have an answer to that question. I felt pretty stupid not knowing my own name, so I remained silent and continued to gaze at her.
“My daughter Aiyana found you in the forest. You were pretty out of it, so we took you home and put you in her room.” She cocked her head. “Are you feeling okay?
I nodded lightly.
“I’m glad to hear it!” said Solana, smiling brightly. “Come downstairs, I made some breakfast. When you’re finished eating we can call your parents. How old are you by the way?”
“Twelve,” I guessed. The number twelve was a random number.
“Oh that’s great!” Said Solana, “Aiyana is just about your age – Well, perhaps. She’ll be turning twelve in a few days, so I’m sure you two would get along just fine. Now please come downstairs for some breakfast. I didn’t expect you to be awake at this time. After breakfast we’ll call your parents, they must be worried sick about you. So we’ll just let them know that you’re okay”
Solana turned around and left. Seconds later, I got up off the floor where I was sat, left the room and went down the stairs. After I reached the first floor, I heard a voice calling to me.
“We saved you some breakfast, come here.”
I turned to where the voice was coming from. It was Solana and another girl who had long scarlet hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen. I walked inside the kitchen where the girl sat at a circular wooden table that was near a corner of the kitchen. The table had a layer of pancakes on a plate and a bottle of maple syrup sitting there. The sink next to me was piled with dirty dishes. There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot. I sat at the table where the girl sat and gazed at her for a moment. Like Solana, she was wearing glasses and her face was covered in freckles. The girl looked back at me and grinned.
“Oh hello,” She said, “Don’t mind my Mom. She’s very clumsy when it comes to housekeeping. As you can see, she’s not always the best cook. Although she’s very clumsy and careless, she has her moments. She’s only like this when she’s stressed out. It’s very typical for adults. Oh, I’m so sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Aiyana.”
Aiyana reached out her right hand towards me.
I looked at her hand. I wondered what she made that gesture for. I continued to stare at it.
“What’s your name?” She asked.
My eyes were drawn from her hand to her face. It’s that question again. I was gnawing my bottom lip, trying hard to remember, but it was impossible. I gave Aiyana a light shrug and she frowned.
“I tried asking her the same thing,” said Solana, “but she wouldn’t tell me. She must be shy, let’s give her some time to relax a bit. Aiyana pumpkin, go to the living room and find the phone. I think it’s time we call her parents.”
Aiyana looked at her mother and nodded. She got up off her chair and left the kitchen. Now my attention is drawn to Solana, who smiled at me, she placed some pancakes on the plate in front of me and said,
“Please eat some pancakes, they’re really tasty. I don’t want you to go hungry. I’ll give you a fork and a glass of orange juice.”
Solana handed me a silver metal fork. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down to examine them.
She waved me to my seat. “Go on, eat. I don’t want your mother to think I let you starve.” She handed me a silvered metal fork. “Do you want some orange juice?”
I looked up at Solana once more, remembering what Aiyana told me earlier, that she wasn’t always the best cook. I assumed that these pancakes of hers would not taste very pleasant. I thought of Solana as a very kind person and the last thing I wanted to do was offend her. With my assumption set aside, I grabbed the fork. I cut off a piece of the pancake and ate it. I chewed slowly. The food was soft and tasted sugary. While eating it I had this pleasant feeling, I assumed that the pancakes would taste horrible, but it was the opposite. I looked up at Solana again and smiled. Solana smiled back at me.
“I’m glad you like it,” She said, “Would you like some orange juice? You’ll like this one, very natural.
Solana went to the refrigerator at the other side of the kitchen. She opened the door on the right. She poured the orange juice from the pitcher into the glass cup, and handed it to me. I looked into the cup of orange juice and saw something lumpy, there seems to be some foreign material inside.
“Oh don’t worry about the stuff in there,” said Solana, “That’s just the pulp, dear. It’s natural. The pulp happens to be very healthy. Go on just drink it!”
I took a small sip of juice and it felt more pleasant than the pancakes.
Aiyana has just arrived in the kitchen holding a white cordless phone and handed it to me. I looked down at the phone, and then looked up at Solana, who nodded. I looked down at the phone again and pushed the green call button. There was a loud dial tone. I remained still trying to decide what button to press. Random thoughts swirled into my head. I shut off the phone and placed it on the table. Aiyana and Solana exchanged looks, and then looked at me again.
“Erm…” said Solana, “You don’t know your parents’ phone number?”
I shook my head and Solana frowned.
“Um… okay,” she said, “What about parent last name?”
I shrugged. Solana sighed.
“Wow,” said Aiyana, “then you must have amnesia. I read it in this book called The Mysterious Mind by Arnold West. ”
Solana laughed, “Well, I guess that explains how she can’t get any information from her.”
I looked down at my feet and sighed. My entire face contracted and I clenched my fists firmly, taking three slow deep breaths. Solana kneeled down next to me. I looked at her then she smiled sweetly.
“Oh, No worries,” She said, “you will get you memories back soon. You can stay with us if you’d like. If it’s okay with Aiyana, you can sleep in her room. Aiyana, take this girl to the office upstairs. You are going to the missing child registry”
Aiyana turned around and quickly left the kitchen. Then suddenly she stopped and turned to look at me.
“Well?” she said, “Are you coming?”
I got up and followed Aiyana up the stairs and into a hallway. We stopped at the door next to Aiyana’s room. She opened the door and hit the switch to illuminate the room. The office was messier than the kitchen, with books and folders lying open on the floor, and there were loose papers, most of them strewn in random directions. The desk was cluttered with papers and the chair had fallen over, with its back to the floor. A file cabinet in the back of the room sat on its side with its doors flung open. The fan on the ceiling was twirling at a rapid pace, slowed only by its violent rocking motion.
Aiyana was the first person to enter the office. She walked to the desk and pushed away some papers resting on it. Under the papers was a small black square, which had the logo “In-Tech” printed on it. She opened it. She also found some cords on the floor, and connected them to the machine. I walked into the office and sat on the floor. Aiyana looked at me and laughed.
“Don’t mind this room either,” she said, “My mom is a journalist. A much respected one I might add. She’s a very messy person, as you can see. She’d clean the place up if she weren’t too busy with her deadlines, and her stories. She’d hire a maid to clean from time to time.”
It took several minutes to set up the machine. She placed the chair into its proper position. She turned it on the machine, and turned to me once more.
“Go on” she said sweetly, “Sit down.”
I got up off the floor and sat on the chair. The machine Aiyana was setting up was actually a laptop computer. We finally reached the website, childregistry.gov. The arrow on the screen moved around slowly until it stopped on a link that said “Missing children” that was written in bold letters.
“So,” said Aiyana, “Do you know how to use a laptop? It’s simple.”
“Okay, this is simple,” said Aiyana,“you see how I moved the arrow around the screen?”
The arrow on the screen moved sideways. Then it went back to the words ‘Missing Children’. I looked back down onto the keys, and saw Aiyana’s fingers, that touched a black ball.
“If you want to move the arrow, do this,” she continued, and then one of her fingers was rolling the little ball in circles, “Then if you want to go somewhere click- uh… I mean… take the arrow and do this” She pushed the second of the two buttons at the bottom of the ball. “But you can click on every word on the page, but you can only click on something if the arrow turns into a hand. Understand?”
The page then completely changed into something different. This time there were pictures of children’s faces. Some of them smiling, and the rest of them were showing an empty expression.
“Okay, if you really don’t know your name,” Aiyana went on, “You see these pictures, here? If you can find a picture with your face on it, then you click on that picture so you can find more information on this person, even the name, age, where he or she is from, and how long ago the child is missing. I’d love to help you, but look at the time. I’m going to be late for school”
She pointed to something on the bottom right corner of the screen. It said 8:09 A.M. I knew what to do, so I smiled at her. Aiyana seemed to understand that her assistance here was not needed so she turned around and left the office, then suddenly she came back.
“Wait,” she said, who seemed to have just remembered something. “Wait here, I’ll be right back”
She walked off. Now my focus was now turned to the computer. I slid the arrows to a row of four pictures, all of them dark skinned. I began to notice an interesting photo on the webpage, but it was not me at all. The second girl also had dark skin, she wasn’t smiling, but she appeared to have several scabs on her face, which was one of the features that interest me. I looked at her lip that appeared to be split in two and it was also covered in blood.
“I told you I won’t be gone long,” a voice called out of nowhere.
I turned to the entrance of the office and saw Aiyana there, holding two items. She entered the room and placed the items on the desk next to me. One of them was the silver heart-shaped locket I had earlier, and admittedly I had forgotten all about it. The second item was a magenta framed mirror.
“I’m sure these will help you,” said Aiyana, “This necklace, I found this. I think this is yours. The little girl in the picture does resemble you very well. I also brought this mirror, just in case if you can’t remember your face, you can always look in this mirror. Well, I have to go get dressed. Good luck!”
I nodded once more. Aiyana turned around and left. Just for the hell of it, I looked into the mirror sitting on the desk, and saw a girl with a pale face and was showing a blank expression. She had long, glossy black hair, long enough for the ends to reach the shoulders. I memorized the face in the mirror and continued my search. After fifteen minutes, I did not find anything. There were sixteen pages in all and I had already reached the sixth page. My fist clenched tightly. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to remove the strain that’s been in my head since I started the search. Finally feeling at ease, I continued on.
It had been exactly forty-two minutes since the search began. My head collapsed on top of the keys. I was on the thirteenth page. I made a deep sigh, and I considered forfeiting the search entirely.
“Any luck finding anything?” asked the unexpected voice coming from the entrance.
I turned to the direction of the voice and lifted my head. There was Solana standing at the door, whose clothing looked professional. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and she was carrying a black leather suitcase. Her outfit looked surprisingly neater than the clothes she had on earlier this morning.
“Did you find anything yet?” She asked.
“No.”
“Keep trying,” Said Solana, “I’m sure you’ll find something. Anyways, I’m going to drive Aiyana to school. Then I have to go to a business meeting at work. I’ll be back in about an hour. So if you’re hungry, help yourself to anything in the fridge. I’ll be back soon.”
It had been approximately sixteen minutes since Solana had left. I reached the final page of the registry and I had not found anything. I was finally able to conclude that I was not on the Missing child Registry. I could have checked again, but I didn’t feel much like going on the computer again. My eyes were getting heavy and I had been yawning relentlessly for the past hour. Looking around for something to occupy myself became very difficult, if not impossible. I got up off my chair and paced around the room. Until I noticed the file cabinet in a corner, leaning forward with all three drawers open. I hoisted the cabinet into its erect position. I closed the top two drawers. I took a seat on the floor in front of the remaining open drawer and saw a pile of newspapers. What caught my interest right away was a yellow newspaper buried in the pile with the headlines “WANTED ALIVE” printed on the top of the page in large letterings. I grabbed the paper out of the drawer and examined it further. It smelled like coffee. The newspaper was dry and some of the text was either worn out or was washed away by some kind of liquid substance. I also noticed the snapshot of a girl in the middle of the page. Half of her face was covered in coffee stains, making it difficult for me to see her in detail. But for some reason, I felt as if I’ve seen this girl before. A gut feeling inside of me is telling me to take this paper and read it. I got to my feet, took the locket and the mirror and left the office. I went back into Aiyana’s room and rested on the bed. I examined the old newspaper once more, and realized that I had without doubt had seen this girl before, and I had a feeling where. I took the locket, opened it and to my surprise, the photo on the locket and the other on the newspaper were a perfect match. I placed the locket on the floor and started to read the front page.
Picture here
WANTED: ALIVE
Grendel …………………….. For ………… L……… R……………, who was last ………………………………………….home………………………………………………………………………………………….. on Tuesday. ………………………………………………………. ……………………………………………………………………………and many more were injured.
Police ………………………………………………………………………………………………………….s home. …………………….seen this child …………. call the local police.
The bottom of the article seems to be torn off and I had just noticed the Letters L and R, which are the two same letters I saw carved on the locket earlier. The two letters had long spaces in between them, possibly because the coffee stain covered some of the text, making the ink spread and the paper difficult to read. A natural feeling inside of me is telling me to keep this paper and this must be an important clue to my past. I got to my feet and placed the newspaper on the bed. I grabbed my necklace and secured it around my neck. I departed the room and went back into the office to search for the missing piece of the paper. After a few minutes of searching nearly all over of the office, not a piece of old yellow newspaper was found.
I went back into Aiyana’s room to lie down on the bed for a few minutes. Finding something to do was getting more difficult as time passed by. I looked up at the ceiling and heaved a sigh. I stretched my arms and they dropped down to the bed like heavy weights. I burrowed comfortably into the blanket and gave a loud yawn. My eyes were closing slowly and heavily, so heavily that there was no point in resisting them. For a few seconds everything went black and I could hear myself breathing slowly and peacefully.
My surroundings had unexpectedly changed. I realized that I was no longer in the bedroom, but standing at an edge of the cliff. I was facing a crowd of trees and there was a young man standing in front of me. He gave me a scary angry look, and walked closer and closer. I could feel my heart thumping rapidly and violently, and I could hear myself breathing heavily. The man was still walking towards me, and the closer he went, the farther back I walked until I noticed I was a few steps away from possibly falling off the cliff. I looked back and saw a rushing stream down below. I faced forward and noticed that the man walking toward me was no longer there. My heart began to pulsate even harder and faster. It felt as if my heart was struggling to get out of my chest. But then out of nowhere there was a soft chuckle. Slowly, I turned my head and to find out that the man was standing behind me. I tripped and fell into the grass in a desperate attempt to flee. I turned to look at the man once more. The man gave me a smile, but it was not a friendly one.
“You’re pathetic” he whispered in a nasty tone.
I got to my knees, and did not move, still looking at him.
“Who are you?” I asked, “What do you want?”
The man walked closer and closer, I continued to watch him helplessly.
“Someone who wants nothing to with someone this feeble and disgusting,” The man answered, who was showing a sneer.
By the time I got to my feet, the man struck me in the face and I fell back into the ground facedown. I was shaking hysterically, and tears rushed down. I could hear myself breathe even harder than before. Suddenly, I felt something tightly clenching the back of my head and abruptly pulled it back.
“Let go!” I cried out.
The man’s grip of my hair became even stronger than before. He laughed loudly, then he viciously swung my head sideways and then all of a sudden he stopped. My head began to pulsate painfully then something my stomach started churn. My head was pulled even further back enough to see the man’s face, who was displaying a repulsive smirk.
“What’s wrong my dear?” asked the man who’s tone of voice lacked any sincerity, “Are you not feeling well? Well that’s too bad. You’re so pitiful, worthless child. I spent so many years raising you like my own daughter. I saw great potential in you. Of all the servants I have had over the years, you were my personal favorite. I have never known anyone this loyal and faithful. I have always liked the way you showed me so much affection. But that was all in the past. You were so happy to have me as your master. Now look at you can’t even obey a simple command. I wanted to kill you so badly, but your life is too precious to waste.”
“I don’t even know you,” I sobbed, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Stupid girl,” said the man, “It’s because you remember nothing. I wiped out all your memories. Just seeing you cry and beg for mercy makes me laugh. I take pleasure in seeing you suffer. But now I longer have any time for you. It was a pleasure tormenting you. Good bye dear love, and hopefully we may see each other again, that is if you survive this fall.”
Still clutching the back of my head, the man shoved me with intense might which caused me to fly off the cliff. I was in the air for a second, and then I saw that the river I was facing became closer and closer screaming in fear and then suddenly I fell in.
I inhaled heavily, and then realized that I was back into Aiyana’s room. My head and my back were sweaty and my heart was thumping rapidly. I sat up and wiped the perspiration off my forehead.
“Are you all right?” asked a familiar voice showing concern.
I looked up and turned to the sound of the voice and Aiyana at her desk holding an open book. She looked at me with a worrisome expression. I made a deep sigh and answered.
“I’m fine”
Aiyana placed her book down and picked up a yellow colored newspaper. She stood up, walked towards the bed and sat on the floor. She raised the paper where I could see it.
“I found this on the floor earlier” she said quickly, “I read the whole thing and saw a picture of a girl that looks a lot like you. Here, read this.”
I could easily recognize the newspaper that I’ve read earlier.
“Thanks Aiyana,” I said in a tranquil voice, “But I have read it already.”
“It says here that you’re wanted for something” Said Aiyana looking at the newspaper, “But it doesn’t explain what for. Oh fudge, I’d probably pick up some more information if there weren’t any coffee stains on it.”
“I cannot assume that this article is on the subject of me.” I said cynically. “This child can be anybody.”
“This is you, without a doubt” argued Aiyana, “Look at your face, the face on your locket, and the face on the paper. How could this NOT be you?”
After a moment, I finally started to agree with Aiyana. Looking back at the correspondence between the two photographs made it exceedingly obvious that this old piece of writing was pertaining to me. I also remembered my first encounter with Solana earlier this morning. She told me that Aiyana found me somewhere in the woods and brought me here in this very bedroom. I stood up and looked down at Aiyana.
“Aiyana,” I called.
Aiyana’s interest was drawn from the newspaper and was directed to me.
“Yes?” She answered, “What is it?”
“I want to ask you something,” I said.
“Sure, ask away” she said
“Where exactly did you find me?”
“Erm… Sorry?”
“Where did you find me unconscious? Before I woke up here, where was I found?”
“In the Lutwa Woods, why?”
“And where are the woods?”
Aiyana gave me a questioning look.
“Why do you want to know?” she asked curiously.
“Just answer my question Aiyana” I said, frustrated.
“All right, all right,” Aiyana said, giving a light sigh, “The woods just north of here, why do you want to-”
I walked towards the bedroom door.
“And just where do you think you’re going?” Asked Aiyana loudly, “Don’t tell me you’re going to-”
I stopped walking and there was silence for a few seconds.
“Yes, that is where I’m going” I answered.
“You can’t go” She said, starting to become very irritating. “The forest is dangerous. You could get hurt or lost. Many people get in and very few get out alive, that place is a labyrinth. I will not allow you to go!”
“And who are you to stop me?” I asked, “I don’t care how dangerous it may be. It may be a clue to my past.”
“What if someone sees you and calls the police?” Asked Aiyana, “You’re a wanted criminal, for God knows why.”
I did not have time to listen to Aiyana nag nor did I care whether or not someone saw me and reported me to the local police. Aiyana was still rambling on, so I ignored her and continued on.
“Come back here!” Aiyana shouted, finally seeing that her attempt to stop me from leaving was futile, she stood up and yelled out “Wait for me!”
We arrived at near a horde of trees several minutes later. I took a deep breath and walked in. Aiyana soon followed. The forest became darker and darker the further we went. After a long period of wandering, the soles of my feet became painfully sore. Aiyana and I saw an opening with two large rocks and patches of soil and went to sit down. Aiyana took off her shoes and placed them aside.
“Let’s just go back,” She said fatigued. “We’ve been walking in this forest for hours. And look up at the sky, the weather’s getting bad.”
It suddenly became windy and the sky developed into a grayish color instead of its usual blue. There was a flash of white light between the clouds followed by a loud roaring noise. Aiyana got off her rock and placed her shoes back on.
“We really should go,” she said, “It’s unsafe being in this forest especially in bad weather, and I think this should wait until tomorrow. I bet Mum is back home wondering where we are.”
“Aiyana, if you want to go home then just go,” I said, annoyed but at the same time remained calm, “I didn’t ask you to tag along with me. I’m still going to keep searching for clues and you have already realized now how pointless it is to stop me. Just go home if you want to leave that badly.”
“I can’t just leave you here,” argued Aiyana impatiently “If anything happens to you, then Mum will be so angry with me. Besides, we aren’t even allowed to leave the house anyway.”
Paying no heed to Aiyana, I leaped off the rock and continued walking. The winds were getting even stronger than before, strong enough to push me along with its currents. I heard Aiyana’s scream and turned around to see her blown away by the gusts. I was unable to resist the windstorm’s strength, and I was pushed backward until I was blown into something hard and was no more.
A few minutes later I regained consciousness. I raised my head slowly to see a small black cat sitting on my legs. It looked at me with its bright green eyes. I wondered what the cat wanted, but at the same time pleased to see it sitting beside me. I scratched the back of the cat’s head, and it purred loudly.
“My lady” it said, sounding like a female voice. “Nice to see you again”
I stopped stroking the cat after hearing it talk, looking at it in shock and awe. To be honest I had never seen her before. The cat walked forward, rubbing its head on my chest.
“Do you not know me?” She asked, “I’m your cat.”
“I don’t remember” I said out loud, still wondering why the cat was talking,
“Please, talk to me with your thoughts,” suggested the cat, “You don’t want a bunch of strangers see you talking to a cat as if you were talking to a human would you? People would think you’re crazy. I forgotten you had Memory loss, and I almost forgot why I was sent here.”
“Well, why are you here?” I asked, this time telepathically instead of orally.
“To bring back a memory” answered the cat, “a very small memory, but still very important.”
“You can bring back memories?”
“I only have one to send you, but that’s it. I’m deeply sorry my lady. Would you like to see it anyway?”
“I do.”
The cat nodded, crawled under my shirt to pull out my necklace.
“Open it” she said.
I lifted the clasp and opened the locket, to see the photo and the date. The cat jumped off my lap and picked up a red stone. She placed it on the necklace placed her paw on the stone and said the words,
“Pensivia Reminisco”
There a flash of blinding white light. I began to feel unbearable headaches for a short period of time. But then, I found myself in a bedroom standing next to a desk. There was a piece of paper standing there. I sat down to take a closer look. It seemed to be a certificate of some kind.
This Child:
Name (First): Lily
Name (Middle): Angel
Name (Last): Rosewood
Sex: F
This Birth: Single
Date of Birth: 20 December, 1995
Place of birth: Woolbright.
Street Address: ………….
Parents:
Mother Name: Emily Bridget Rosewood Age: 18
Father Name: None.
There it was. Everything that was engraved on the locket was printed on this birth certificate. The date December 20, 1995, represents the day that this person on the certificate was born, and the L and R printed on the necklace stood for the name Lily Rosewood, but who is this person? I took the paper, folded it and stuffed it in my pocket.
My surroundings became blurry and then changed. This time I was outside. There in front of me stood a young man and a small child, both of them very familiar. I walked towards them until I was close enough to not only see their faces, but also to easily identify them. That man was the same man in my dream and the little girl was the same girl my locket. The man turned around and sat on a chair near a sidewalk and the little girl followed. I ran to take another closer look. The man wrapped his arm around the girl and smiled at her.
“I see great potential in you,” He said, “You posses great talent, Lily. I could use someone like you. You and I could do great things together. I will raise you like my own child and teach you how to use your newly discovered power. From now on, you will call me ‘Master’ and nothing else? From now on you are mine.”
The little girl cuddled him with affection and said
“Ma…Ma…..Master….”
The Man stood up and Lily soon did the same soon after.
“Let’s go home lily,” he said.
The little girl’s name was Lily Rosewood. If I was the small child that the man was talking to, that must mean that Lily is also my name. I watch the man and the little girl walking farther away until they were completely out of sight.
Chapter two: Werewolf’s curse.
After seeing Lily and the man walking away in the distance, my surroundings transformed back to where I originally was. The cat was resting on my leg again, purring peacefully. I scratched her head and then she stood up and looked at me.
“Did you find anything important?” She asked. “Like your name?”
“I think so,” I answered. “Is my name Lily Rosewood?”
“Yes it is,” replied the cat delightedly, “That little girl you seen in that memory, she was you! You were so cute, but please don’t tell anyone. I’m not supposed to peek in someone’s memory without permission.”
“Um, okay”
All of a sudden, there was a loud, yet recognizable scream. I stood up and looked around the forest with alertness.
“You don’t have to look around so much.” Said the cat, “Do you remember what this man in your memory said about you possessing great ability?”
“He said something about that, yes,” I said, trying to wonder what the cat was trying to say, “Why?”
“Do you want to know what that ability is?”
“Yes I do”
“Close your eyes, and remain calm”
Staying calm seemed so easy. My environment appeared in black with a blue outline. I looked around the forest until I saw two moving living beings which were blue in color, one of them seem to be a girl fleeing from the other being that I could not identify. I knew the one being pursued was Aiyana, but she is so far-off. I opened my eyes and looked down at the cat.
“That girl, do you know her?” asked the cat, “She must be in trouble, let’s go help her. There’s something else that I want to show you.”
The cat ran ahead through the bushes and I soon followed without hesitation. Not running for very long, I began to notice of a cluster of trees just up ahead.
“I think we should jump across those trees” insinuated the cat, “That way we should get to the girl in no time. See that tree over there? On the count of three, we’ll jump on that big branch. And keep your eyes closed so you can pinpoint this girl’s location. Ready, One…..Two……..THREE”
I sprung forward and ascended and perched upon a large solid branch. I felt something land on my right shoulder. I turned and saw the cat, who looked back at me.
“Don’t worry about me,” she said, “you should be focusing on helping that girl. Now let’s keep going, and keep your eyes closed and focus. You can still see where you’re going.”
I closed my eyes again, and heard panting. It sounded like it was coming from every direction, making it difficult to follow the sounds. The two blue images returned to my mind, heading in my direction. I leaped forward to the nearest tree branch, and kept going until I brought myself to the ground. I watched them patiently.
“Pretty smart move getting ahead of them,” said the cat, “Now to show you what I promised. Are you left handed or right handed?”
“Do you expect me to know that?” I snapped.
“Okay never mind then, as I recall, I think you are right handed, right? Yes you are definitely. Sorry, forgot. Reach out your right hand and focus your energy through your fingers.”
I extended my right arm forward. Looking at it, I envisioned some sort of electrical surge emitting through my fingers. Immediately there appeared a swirl of blue light which formed into a blue ball. The ball of light grew larger and brighter which each passing second. I could hear the two figures approaching, so closing my eyes to see their outlines wasn’t really necessary. My eyes widened to see the first one running out in the open to be Aiyana, followed by some grotesque looking creature chasing her. She looked at me with a gaping mouth.
“Get down!” I barked.
Aiyana jumped forward, landing on her stomach. The creature came at us with its feral hostility. For some reason, it stopped running. The creature was huge and muscular standing on two legs. Blood and drool dripped from his canine-like face. Yellow stained his teeth and his claws were not only razor-sharp, but were also trickling in blood. I aimed the ball of light at the creature, shaking violently as I looked into his golden eyes. The creature gave a deafening roar. He swiftly moved toward me with ferocity, which is what I was waiting for. My energy rushed through my hands with just enough force for the ball of light to blast the creature backward into a tree. I watched the creature carefully for a moment, and noticed it sitting there motionless. I took a deep breath and looked down at Aiyana who was quivering and whimpering like a frightened puppy. She stopped moving and looked up at me. She smiled, but at the same time tears slowly rolled down her face. She quickly got on her feet then wrapped he arms around me grasping me tightly.
“Oh, my God,” she panted, “You’re okay. “This place, I don’t like it here.”
“Lily,” I whispered. “It’s Lily.”
“What? Who’s Lily?”
“My name is Lily.”
Aiyana’s hug was even tighter and it started to become painful.
“Nice to meet you Lily,” said Aiyana, who finally stopped crying. “Let’s go.”
Aiyana released her grip. We turned around and started walking. I stopped walking after hearing a thumping sound. Aiyana was lying on the grass, which was covered in a pool of blood. I walked towards her to get a closer look at her. I turned her over and saw a large wound gushing with some thick red substance. A wound so deep, that a small part of white bone became visible under the flesh. Looking a wound this deep made me shudder. Aiyana sat up and frowned.
“I’ m sorry.” she said, “That creature, you should have seen how sharp those claws are, and how foul he smelled .He slashed my leg, which now as you already know, quite disturbing to see. It really hurts to walk. We don’t know how to get out of here. ”
I continued to examine the injured leg.
“I don’t think we are too far from the city.” I said.
The sky transformed into a yellowish gold color and the clouds were dark purple. White lights flickered between the clouds followed by a noise. Aiyana shivered and her tears became visible.
“I warned you this place is dangerous!” She barked and cried even harder, “Mum must be so worried. Judging by the sunset it must be five o’ clock. She could have called the police, we could be dead here. And—Lily, why are you-”
I glanced back at Aiyana, who all of a sudden stopped sobbing.
“What’s wrong?” I asked
“You’re not like the other people I’ve met,” replied Aiyana
“Really? How so?”
“At a time like this, an average person would panic. But you, you’re just the opposite, you’re so…. So… calm. Stubborn…yet…very calm.”
Aiyana looked to another direction
“Look over there,” She pointed at the black cat, who I haven’t noticed since the encounter with the beast.
The cat walked forward and meowed. Aiyana reached out her hand to pet her.
“What’s this kitty doing here?”
“It’s my cat,” I replied.
“Oh, really, does he have a name?”
The cat rolled over meowing and purring, seeming to enjoy being stroked. She quickly got up and jumped backward, hissing loudly. Her back arched, and her tail twitched sideways.
“Something is wrong,” said Aiyana, “When cats behave like that, that means something must have spooked them. But what-”
Her eyes expanded after she looked up. She shivered then collapsed. I noticed a shadow between me and Aiyana, growing larger and wider.
I turned around to see the monster in the air with its mouth open, plummeting down at me fast. I could have darted out of the way, but doing so will hurt Aiyana, so I stood my ground. Before there was enough time to defend my self, the beast landed on me and pushed me onto the ground. Blood dripped from my right shoulder after the creature’s fangs impaled it. I could not move my other arm, while it’s being pressed down by the rest of my body. Struggling free was impossible. The creature’s teeth dug deeper into my shoulder tearing my muscle tissues. The excruciating pain made my teeth and my eyes watery.
“Mew” The cat ran in front of me. There was a flash of bright light and there stood a girl, with hair as black as mine, with eyes as yellow as the creatures and with catlike ears on top. She looked down and winked at me. She jumped backward and extended her arms forward with widened hands.
“I call upon the fire dog spirit; breathe thy fiery breath, to scorch the wickedness that pollutes our land. I SUMMON THEE!”
Out of nowhere appeared three dog-shaped flames encircling the girl. The dogs faced my direction and one of the charged jumping on the creatures back and bit him. The creature released his grip and struggled to get the fire dog off, but the dog didn’t budge. Following the first dog, the two dogs rushed in and each one grabbed an arm. I turned around and watched helplessly as flames spread around them, morphing in to a fiery sphere. The beast howled in pain. The sphere began to expand slowly until it made a sudden explosion, leaving no remains.
“Are you okay?” The girl walked towards me and reached out her hand. Her voice was so familiar.
I grasped her hand and was pulled up to my feet.
“Thanks,” I said.
The girl gave an obeisant bow.
“No problem, Nya” The girl smiled “Happy to help you, Master.”
The last word that she just said made me conclude that she was the black cat. There was a burning sensation coming from my injured shoulder, spreading throughout the arm. My palm turned red and became sore and every time I would move my finger.
“You’re hurt,” said the cat girl
“Don’t worry about me,” I said then turn to Aiyana, who passed out. “I think I should take Aiyana out of here.”
“I can help you with that. I know a teleportation spell. I can get you out of this forest. Is that alright?”
I turned to the cat girl and nodded.
“Go to that girl, then. I’ll get the spell ready. Where do you want to go?”
At first I thought of going to Aiyana’s house, but I changed my mind when I took another look at her injured leg. She needed medical attention quickly.
“ Can you warp us to two different places?” I asked.
“Only if you tell me where,” answered the cat girl,
“I’m going Home.” I replied, “But after I get warped I want you to teleport this girl to a place where she can get medical care.”
“As you wish.” The cat girl bowed.
The girl stood in front of me, placing her hands together like she was praying. Her hands glowed in a light blue color.
“Teleportus” She said
The wind began to blow and I felt somewhat buoyant. A few seconds later, I ended up in front of Aiyana’s house standing at the front door. I turned the knob and walked inside to hear someone sobbing. It seemed to be coming from the Kitchen. I went there to see Solana on the table with her head down. She placed her head up, seeming to discover that I was here. She looked at me with her watery expanded eyes.
“Where have you been?” she asked putting on her glasses on. “And where’s Aiyana?”
Judging by that tone, she sounded more angry than sad. I continued to look at her nervously and said nothing.
“Aiyana came home from school at no later than two o clock,” said Solana “Right now,” she looked at the clock behind her, “It’s seven-twenty. I was about to call the police. Where have you two been for five hours? And why are you bleeding?”
She stood up to look at the wound. I pulled away and said,
“Stop, I’m fine”
“Let me see,” said Solana, “I’m not going to touch it.”
I released my bloody hand off my shoulder. Solana grabbed a roll of paper towels and took a bottle of rubbing alcohol from the pantry. She poured some alcohol into a paper towel square and placed it close to the wound.
“Now relax for me,” she said, “This will sting a bit”
As soon as she placed the wet paper towel on my shoulder and felt unbearable stinging sensations. The more she wiped the wound, the more excruciating the pain felt. She saw more of the wound on my back shoulder.
“Is this… a bite wound?” she asked.
“Yes, but I’m fine,” I answered, “You don’t have to worry about me.”
“Don’t you dare tell me not to worry!” shouted Solana, “Whatever the hell bit you could have rabies! I may not be your mother, young lady, but I still have every right to be concerned about your safety.”
All of a sudden the phone rang and Solana jumped in surprise. She went to her purse to reach for her cell phone.
“Hello?”
I watched her stand there by the counter.
“Yes, this is Solana. I’m sorry, let me put you on speaker” She placed her phone on the table and sat down.
“Hello can you hear me now?”
“Yes I can Ms. Frost.” Said a male’s voice on the phone.
“How may I help you?” asked Solana
“My name is Chuck and I’m calling from Medical Center. I’m calling about your daughter Aiyana. ”
Solana’s eyes expanded, and she began to breathe heavily.
“Yes, what seems to be the problem?” Solana started biting her thumb.
“We cannot tell you over the phone ma’am”
“Why not? I’m her mother”
“Ma’am, you’re going to have to come and visit, we cannot tell you the situation over the phone.”
“Oh…. Alright, but is my daughter going to be okay?
“I’m sorry, but the only information I can give you is that your daughter is here. You must come to the hospital, and you must be the parent or guardian to visit the patient. No one else may come but the parent.”
“ Thank you,” Solana hung up.
“Solana,” I said, and sighed, “Aiyana was with me in the forest. She insisted on making me stay in the house. I did not ask her to follow me there.”
I could have apologized to Solana for the incident, but Aiyana’s injury was not my fault.
“What were you doing in the forest?” Asked Solana, who calmed down.
“I do not have an answer to that question.”
“What do you mean?”
“I cannot answer that.”
“What? Oh, forget it. Anyway did you find any information on the Registry?”
“No. However I did discover my name and my date of birth.”
Solana smiled, “Oh really, what is it?”
“It’s Lily, and I’m born on the 20th day of December.”
“What year?”
“1995”
“Ah! So you’re eleven years old. You won’t turn twelve for about another month. Aiyana’s birthday is this Friday.”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“Well, anyways no time to talk,” said Solana, “I must get to the hospital and hopefully someone can give me an answer as to what’s going on.”
Solana grabbed her purse, and left the kitchen. As soon as she opened the door, there were droplets of water falling from the sky and the ground was covered was in puddles. Solana hesitated for a second and then looked at me.
“You know what?” she said. “You are coming with me to get that wound treated.”
I looked down and heaved a heavy sigh.
“I said I’m fine.” I clenched my teeth.
“And I said you’re going to the hospital to get that wound checked out.” argued Solana. “Quit being so stubborn! Why can’t you be happy that someone cares about you? Now go fetch my umbrella and let’s go.”
The way Solana ordered me like that felt like an unreachable itch. Seeing that there was no point in arguing with her, I grabbed the umbrella on the table next to me and walked in the rain. They sky was even darker now. There on the driveway was a red car, with several dents on the hood and a broken headlight. Solana walked ahead and took out her keys and opened the door. We both got in at the same time.
It’s been a while since we left, and none of us had said a word. I could feel Solana’s energy of anger and sadness, emotions I would have expected from any worried mother. I wanted to tell her what happened, but I felt that it would be best to wait a while until she calmed down. She must be angry for some other reason besides us being out for several hours. Was it because she made a big deal about the wound and I assured her that everything was fine? I looked at her and began to wonder what she was thinking. I began to remember when we were back home, the emotional expressions displayed on her face when she discovered that Aiyana was at the hospital. Why was she angry back then? I finally began to understand that she really loved Aiyana, and if anything happened to her, she would become an emotional wreck.
All of a sudden, the pain on my shoulder came back, causing me to return to reality. I clutched my shoulder tightly and shrieked in agony. The pain felt like spilled hot tar. Solana turned around.
“What happened?” She pulled over to the side of the road and turned her car lights on. “What’s wrong, Lily?”
I felt something large and squishy on the place where I was bitten. I looked to see a large purple lump shaped like a moon crescent. Solana move my arm aside to take a look at it.
“This isn’t good. I have never a bruise like this before.”
She turned her light off and sped off.
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First of all, if this is your first attempt at a novel (and your first draft!) then you are WELL on your way to being an amazing writer.
Secondly,
I glanced at the little girl again, and I felt as if I’ve seen her before.
This sentence doesn’t work. You go from past to present tense…say it out loud…it doesn’t flow quite right. It’s minutiae, I know.
Sixteenth paragraph….just something to point out, but generally when kids say that kind of stuff about their parent in front of them, they usually get some sort of scolding (unless the parent is very laidback).
she and said—third paragraph, last line, delete it, that also doesn’t flow quite right. (probably just deleting the “and” would work)
You use the two words in the same sentence (someone and someone) and (face and face), which can get monotonous. So, just watch out for using words twice, unless you are trying to make a point.
There are some terms and descriptions as well as punctuation and grammar that need a little work, but everyone’s does at first (if you want nitty gritty details, message me…I don’t want this review to be colossal).
You have great character development and nice dialogue. It keeps the story moving very well.
I like how you ended it with the bruise forming and Lily’s worry. (Your names are awesome too)
Let me know when you post the next bit of this. :)
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Good story so far. I found some awkward sentences;
”...hair just like Solana’s in a kitchen…
She turned it on the machine…
...trying(?) to wonder what the cat was trying to say…
...wrapped he arms around me.”
This story could use some trimming here and there but over all it’s interesting. I am reminded of part 3 of my own posted story. I can give more details about your characters and plot in a reply if you wish.
The idea is kind of nice to read but your writing style is rusty. Okay it is your first try on a novel but first improve your language a bit (says I who has the same problem). You do have a huge problem with the I. A lot of your sentences start with I and are followed with another sentence … again with I. This reads hard and doesn’t feel good.
The story itself is fun. I can see where you are going and like it. On the other hand there small mistakes in the story. Like with the handshake.
The part on the laptop: the first five faces don’t had any resemblance with her but she can’t recognize herself on the locket and the newspaper.
When she wakes up from her dream: it is confusing when Aiyana starts to talk to her. It feels like it should be Solana since the last thing u read is Aiyana going to school. Or it is your meaning to confuse.
Below are a few mistakes i saw but overall nice idea
8:04AM was read on the digital alarm clock (sounds a bit… rusty)
I wondered how I got here. I could not recall anything (I… I…. )
If she doesn’t know how to shake a hand then how can she know how to use a phone.. (somewhere at the breakfast with the pancakes)
s soon as she placed the wet paper towel on my shoulder and felt unbearable stinging sensations (drop the and.)
I have never a bruise like this before (have never seen)
I liked this. It has a very Manga-ish feel. Overall the story is pretty cohesive and definitely seems to be going somewhere. The main things I see that you need to work on are grammatical issues. Nothing terrible but I recommend editing through several times to make sure you catch everything. I won’t point out everything, that’s the writer’s job to find it all…
Here are the main things I saw you’ll want to watch out for. Verb tense agreement. You switch back and forth from past to present a bit. These are some of the simple mistakes that need to be corrected: ”My barefoot stepped on something” should be “I stepped on something in my bare feet” or something similar. ”Her scarlet hair looked as if it were never brushed” should be ”...as if it had not been brushed.” ”off the floor where I was sat” is awkward. It’ll either be where I was seated or where I sat. You need to watch out for subject/verb agreement. Dialogue is used to move the action forward but make sure it seems natural. There are some awkward pieces of dialogue in here that you might want to work with. Try reading them out loud to guage whether or not they sound like something a character would actually say. Being as this is in first person, you’ll want to be very careful as to what information your main character has. If she can’t remember her name, or what pancakes are, or OJ than why does she know what a locket is? Why does she know what a cordless phone is and how to use it? ”Solana laughed, ‘Well, I guess that explains how she can’t get any information from her.’” Who is the “She” here? There are just a lot of simple grammar mistakes that you can easily take care of when you proofread the piece again.
The scene depicting Aiyana’s leg injury after the werewolf attack seems a little awkward. You might want to revisit it and tweak it a bit. I would stretch out the fight scene a little more too, give it a little more tension. You’ve got room for improvement but I’d say you’re definitely on the right path. Keep working!
You have the assembled the most sarcastic criteria I have seen on Urbis, and I suppose I can empathise. Be careful though, you might piss someone off who wants to offer constructive critcism.
Your opening was a touch hackneyed. Someone waking up is a very conventional beginning to a story. In fact, it might be THEE most conventional beginning of all. You have missed an ‘ing’ from hurting in the first paragraph. Revise this beginning. It crucial to rope the reader in at this point, and you have made it very difficult to do so.
Nice imagery with the ornamental paraphenalia in the beginning. I found this evocative of lost loves and hopes. Your description started to come into its own after the first page or so, and I was no longer worried that your style would be a hindrance. It is a confident and self-assured writing style that will benefit from writing exercises in which your focus entirely on description to really set the scene.
Later I found you were linking the narrative to the dialogue to tenuous sentences, which is fine if the main action is taking place in the conversation, but I feel we lose touch with you as a narrator and the characters almost start to talk over you, if you get my meaning.
So work on start, a little more description/intervention from narrator and practice your descriptive abilities. Them’s ma tips.
Hope this helped. I shall now take my credits and run.
Best of luck!
Harold_P
As I’m sure you already realize, just don’t forget to go back over the whole thing, evven if it isn’t completely done, sometimes proofing part of it helps you figure out what’s going to happen in the next part. But I say not to forget because the first paragraph that was at least one small mistake.
Instead of telling people it is morning, try to descibe it better, you had a good start with: “The birds outside chirped rhythmically and the sunlight reflected from the window was hurt my eyes.” but flow with it… if you can see the window from were you are maybe you can see outside, use that too to desribe the room more, instead of saying the room’s pink, maybe you can say: ‘the sun rise is like blooming pink roses, a lot like the color of the walls that the dresser…’ something like that. Imagariy is everything, just don’t get carried away with it.
The part were the mom asks your character their age (and incidently we don’t know the gender of the character yet either) it might work to tell us the character is twelve, but the way you have it is slightly confusing. Because they have lost their memory, maybe their is a mirror on the dresser you can look at, maybe that was really why the character got up to look at the reflection, then that was why they stepped on the lockit.
The dialouge is rough, which can happen the first few times you try writting, it happens. Try to listen to other people’s conversations (without getting caught) maybe even tape it. Just remember that even though teachers and just about everyone else in the world have tried to ram it through your brain to use and write complete sentences, it doesn’t apply to dialouge. People do not (no matter who they are) speak in complete, perfect gramar. Espicially twelve year old kids.
Another small mistake: “Solana handed me a silver metal fork. She also grasped the bottle of maple syrup and poured its sticky brown contents on the plate of pancakes. I looked down to examine them.
She waved me to my seat. “Go on, eat. I don’t want your mother to think I let you starve.” She handed me a silvered metal fork. “Do you want some orange juice?”” the fork… the mother hands it to your character already, so don’t say she hands it to her again, maybe say something like “she holds the fork i hadn’t taken closer to me” or something to tell us that while the character is in deep thought, she hadn’t taken the silver-ware. And you don’t have to tell us that they maple syrup is sticky, or brown. People know how is feels. Use discription were you know others won’t know.
“The way Solana ordered me like that felt like an unreachable itch” I liked that, it was a perfect way to ‘tell without telling’ the reader the orders were irritating. Very good.
The story is very good, and you have enormous potential. Just try to use everything I, or anyone else critiuqing you work, have tried to tell you.
The three key’s to success in Pro-writing are: Revise, Revise, Revise, and then revise it again!!
YOUR VERSION:
My eyes opened and I realized that I was resting on a soft bed, covered with a furry blue blanket. The birds outside chirped rhythmically and the sunlight reflected from the window was hurt my eyes. I could tell the time of day was morning. I sat up looked around to see the walls were painted pink and the drawers and the desk stood against it, standing opposite of each other. 8:04AM was read on the digital alarm clock standing on top of the desk. The room was unfamiliar to me. I wondered how I got here. I could not recall anything that occurred before this present point, nothing at all.
MY VERSION OF YOUR WORK:
When I opened my eyes I realized I was resting on a soft bed covered with a furry blue blanket. Outside, birds chirped and sunlight hurt my eyes and I could tell it was morning. Sitting up, I looked around and saw the pink walls. The chest of drawers and desk stood out against them. The bedside clock read 8:04 A.M. The room was unfamiliar. How did I get here? I couldn’t recall anything from the night before. Nothing at all.
Suggestion:
Whenever possible, eliminate the use of words, like: “the,” “was,” “it,” “them,” “us” “they,” “we,” etc. You get the idea. condense everything. Every word you write must have meaning. Say the exact same thing you are saying with the least amount of words necessary. And use lots of adjectives. You can do this, but it takes time. You have to work it, and work it over again. The three keys are: Revise, Revise, Revise. And then revise it again. I hope this helps you on your way.
he window was hurt my eyes.- take out was in that sentence.
I sat up (and) looked around- add and.
Those couple mistakes are small but very consistent. I’d read out loud what you have slowly to find those kind of mistakes. When something doesn’t seem natural or look right, change it and go with your instincts.
Something else that’s sort of annoying as a read is the play by play and use of unnecessary words. I’ll show an example of what you have then what I’d suggest.
“I watched the door and remained alert, until seconds later, the door opened. The one who knocked on the door was a young woman whom I cannot recognize, wearing a white dress and I also noticed a white apron she was wearing that seemed to blend in.”
How about-
I watched the door, remaining alert. Seconds later a woman wearing a white dress and matching apron entered. I didn’t recognize the young woman.
Said the same thing but with less words, making it easier for the reader to interpret.
With those suggestions that will help readers focus more on the story and characters. Because you have a good story started here with interesting characters. I definitely want to know more about Lilly and whats going to end up happening. Good work, with some fixes it’ll be great. Keep it up’
When I first started to read this I didn’t consider it my typical read at all. It was somewhat interesting, that was about it until “bam!” when the man on the cliff showed up things sure took off. Now for the crit…
Especially at the beginning there were quite a few typos, such as:
“sunlight reflected from the window was hurt my eyes.”
“was hurting” or something like that was what you probably meant.
Some things were worded awkwardly, like:
” 8:04AM was read on the digital alarm clock”
“The digital alarm clock read 8:04 AM” is a definite way to improve.
and also:
“There were shards of broken glass on the white tile floors. I almost stepped on them, while I was still barefoot.”
“I was barefoot and I almost stepped on them” would work better.
There are tense issues to point out. Quite often you went back and forth between past and present tense. Be careful of wandering and just stick to one tense for the whole story.
But creatively this is an interesting start, and I sure am curious about Lily’s past!
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