Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Bonded Labor/Slavery

I really liked the topic because I feel passionately about it too. I just can’t believe that even in Las Vegas they have a bunch of underground places where they have kidnapped girls that they force into prostitution. I saw a whole documentary about it. It’s very depressing. I think your speech is good. :)

I think with abit more work and statistics to help support your speech you can put this into the journalism category it has the truth that no one wants to hear they’re either too ignorant or they choose not to understand… especially ones that are of that nature… you know like for instance in Egypt it is very common, also in China they too also do those sort of things but many people don’t know because not only is it illegal but it is kept secret from the world.
I do research myself journalism is one of my many hobbies and also alot of people don’t realise that it’s what happens in history that makes the world what it is today.

But anyways I thought your speech was very well said and I hope you got an A+ for this hahaha because you did one hell of job.

Thanks for sharing,

Amy

Tell the reader why this is important to you.  Did you see a particular person in the video that pulled at your heart?  Let us know why it struck you so much from watching the video.  Where is the majority of this activity happening?  USA, what country?

They must provide labor for their employer for years and years until an alleged debt is supposed to be paid off, though this never seems to happen during the lifetime of the bonded laborer.  - too long and wordy, try to break this up or reword it to be more of an impact.

criminal activity, follow drug and arms trafficking  - “followed by”

Ends abruptly.  It’s as though you grew sick of writing or ran out of ideas and just stuck the last sentence on.  You could add much more impact by giving more details on the children.  But, for an assignment, good writing.  

A fine summation of human trafficking and slavery. You have presented the facts clearly, distinctly and fluently. You will present the class with a shoty but unsettling portrait of the people involved and hideousness of the situation. I think you will get more people to take notice of this atrocity taking place before our very eyes.

A great speech, you’ll floor the class.

H

“because it is very important to me, and it is just intolerable that we allow it to go on” – This is vague – Why is it important to you?

“speech my not” – “may not”

“often sale their children” – “sell”

no comma before “because they are too poor”

semicolon, not comma, after “is not new”

“least known form” – “least-known”

“their employer says” – better as “their employers say” (as is, it implies that there is only one employer of these people)

“follow drug and arms trafficking” – “following”

comma after “Of these”

The end just seems to drop off abruptly, with no mention of what steps are being taken, what laws enacted, etc., in various places to end this practice, or any other information that may be relevant to the topic.

you need to back up the claim that it’s growing, such as increased numbers. countries it takes place in would also help establish credibility. other than that it’s just fine. oh yeah, cut out the “the reason it’s important to me” sentence, just say it’s intolerable, unnacceptable, whatever. you don’t have to explain that it’s important to you if imply the reasoning well enough. otherwise you bore people for a second.

Wow. A very enlightening read.
I do doubt, however, that no bonded laborer has ever been released. I’m sure at least one of the monsters still recalls humanity.

It’s amazing what some people will do to others for the sake of greed.

YEAAAH! giving speeches is fun! Even if the topic is as serious as this one. As a member of a reasonably good speech team I can give you some pointers. This is how you ace your speech while also making an impact on your audience of the gravity of the subject. I really like the one you have chosen, but I am not crazy about your opening line, very grade school. Give a shocking statistic, like: Today 300 women will be trafficed into slavery (that’s just a made up stat find a real one)

Here are some tips on delivery
1. Keep your hair out of your face

2. Keep eye contact with audience

3. I know a girl who ALWAYS smiles, I know it sounds weird, even when she’s giving a speech on a serious subject, so don’t smile at all, you may not have that problem, look very serious

4. You probably should some main points to your speech, move to a different area of the room when you are moving to another point (make sure it is a natural movement though, not soldier likem you can use hand gestures too if they feel natural, it’s all about the natural)

5. Speak clearly and loudly

The end of your speech bothered me a bit

Don’t forget the conclusion!, it solidifies the entire thing and brings it in perspective, you don’t want your speech to just end. you kind of did in this

The main concern i have with this speech is where is the solution? If nothing can be done about it what is the point. you REALLy need a solution, maybe that can become your conclusion. You have some great stats that will shock your audience, don’t let the structure get you, change your intro line, get the solution in your conclusion, or I can guarentee you won’t get the grade you deserve for your hard work gathering all this information.

Your writing shows that you feel passionate about the subject matter. Your audience can tell that the subject matter of human trafficking is amoral. As a reader, you have the insight and the passion to be a great journalist and reporter.

The only reason that I gave you an eight was that there were many grammar and punctuation errors I found in your writing. As an explanatory piece, you will sway more readers once you have edited your paper.  

My suggestion is you give your writing to the school newspaper staff.  That way your writing can reach more people and you can make a difference in the world.  It is my understanding that many of the women that are affected by the trafficking business happen to be in your age range. You would do a lot of females a good thing if you got your school paper to publish your work.

I would change the first three lines.  ”today I’m going to talk to you” “the reason I chose to tell you” etc. are unneccessary phrases that distract from your speech.  Hit ‘em hard from the beginning.  I would start with “Human trafficking is the…” Some spelling errors, I don’t know if you want those pointed out.  How long is this speech supposed to be?  More statistics would be good if you have time to fit them in.