puzzle, my friend.
its all done with puzzles.
Flash Fiction / .brunner
.and there, now,
amid those endless freeways of twisted blacktop
a mechanical music was released
a carhorn symphony
.brunner never saw the girl
courtroom statement pleaded not guilty.
.he got 6 years
a concrete labyrinth becoming his tomb
and from that, his mind.
forever. changed.
.he pulled contact with a 3rd cousin, mothers side
said he knew people that knew people
could be of some aide.
.with that said, the phonecall ended
brunner flew to florida with 96 dollars
and a torn Perry Ellis windbreaker
light creme with a cuban brown collar.
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Frogking reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting clip reads like a detective novel. Space between phone call last stanza. Ening feels like a hook and leads the reader into the next page etc.
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AstroBoyJ7 reviewed Version 1 -
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Not bad. The chain of events was streamlined well and this was a very easy read. My only issue here was where you had a long gap between, “and from that, his mind.
forever. changed”
This was the one speedbump in the flow of your story. I would suggest adding a line after that part to keep it from looking stilted. Also, a punctuation glitch was the period between ‘forever’ and ‘changed’. Aside from this, you wrote a solid piece!
MortalAngel reviewed Version 1 -
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It sounded good, but this one I didn’t get. I think it’s pretty nicely done though.
npr33 reviewed Version 1 -
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I am truly enjoying these .dot stories. I just wonder in what order they go—does it matter? I suppose that is something only you can answer. I’d love to read them in order if that is so doable.
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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You know what I’m really enjoying about the tales of Brunner? The fact that though I don’t really know what going on, I’m having just as much fun creating my own little story around him from the details that you’ve given.
It’s almost like that game I play when I’m by myself. I watch people and judging from the look on their face, or their body language I make up an entire past and scenerio and explain away why they’re like that.
In this installment, I see him standing at a pay phone with a very 1970s creme windbreaker on. He’s got those big dark reflective sun glasses on, and maybe a mustache, like Johnny Depp in Donnie Brasco. He’s just out of jail, looking for a way to escape his hell. Maybe he’s on parole, maybe not. Either way, he’s got to get out of the city, he needs to start over, but how could he there? He’s got a past, no one would hire him. And luckily he made a call.
Oh I can’t even get into the life I’ve given in Florida. All of the trouble he got in.
I don’t know which selection I read first, but I reviewed .city first. But if this is like a saga of our man Brunner’s life…I can’t wait.
I have to find more, if there are.
I love it!
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting new style of writing however I feel this would be more successful as a poem. You have some beautiful turns of phrase here and it would make more sense condensed into a poem, rather than piece of experimental flash fiction doing away with punctuation and structure.
Harold_P
princesspeaches reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well done! I like this one. I could really see what was happening and where it was going with very few details. You did an excellent job! Thanks for sharing.
matty_j reviewed Version 1 -
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very nice. it paints a picture, or atleast it did with me. a sad story indeed. good work…
Nytefist7 reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe this should go in poetry? It’s a neat storytelling format. The wordplay is invigorating and insightful for a short piece. The descriptive elements are tenuous at times, but you kept it reined in enough to make the story clear.
Very pleasant work to read. A nice change of pace.
allycat135 reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt like this is more poetry than flash fiction because of the line breaks, even if it tells a story. I also think it might have a more publishable quality if you clean up things that you dont really explain within the confine of the work (whether you want to call it flash fiction or poetry). For example, why is it .brunner and not just brunner, or even Brunner? And if you are experimenting with punctuation why is there a period after “not guilty.” and then starting the next “stanza” with ”.he got”
This makes the use of punctuation very unclear to me, and a little erratic.
There are many details that stand out, the “carhorn symphony” and the “cuban brown collar” (loved that). These strong images made the use of “forever. changed.” kind of static and unexplanatory to me. The other stuff makes me know you can do better than that.
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