Poetry / Shadows

You should never get dragged into the realm of love, as this sorry poem tells.  The structure showed interesting promise.  The subject matter was pure saccharine.  And how does he continue writing a poem when he’s asleep?  If I could review whilst asleep I’d be the ‘richest’ person on Urbis.  Still, thought it was an interesting, if melodramatic, poem overall.

I like this poem.  It’s very accessible.  This is something that happens to everyone.

But I feel like the first two lines of both the second and third stanzas are repetetive.  You made it clear in stanza one that it’s the night time that you think of this person, so why repeat it?  I think if you eliminated those four lines, you could use the last two of both stanzas as one single stanza.  

Also in the third stanza, does this person’s voice/eyes/face really torment you – to sleep?  Torment, yes, but to sleep?  I would think they would torment you away from sleep.  

I really like the last stanza.  I like the idea that even though you’re in this place where the other person can’t bother you, you’re still not at peace.  That’s an idea I don’t usually see in heartbreak/lost-love poetry.

i think you have a good beginning,
but it needs some tightening

i don’t know if you are using punctuation
as marks for pauses or for grammatical purposes
but i’ll assume for grammar

first stanza
-the first two lines is not a sentence
-instead of using “that” in the third line
you could use “is” and connect to the first two lines
-comma isn’t necessary after the third line

second stanza
-the word “haunt” usually signifies night
as the time period, making “at night” unneeded
-“when the business subsides” isn’t clear
and takes away from the content of the poem
as it doesn’t seem to relate
-instead of seeing the face behind your eyes
how about using a more active voice
and change so the face is doing an action

third stanza
-identify “it’s”
-“in the dark” is unnecessary sinceyou’re talking about sleep and already mentioned night
-the last line doesnt fit. you talk about not being able to sleep because of the memory, heartbreak, etc so why would the memory torment you to sleep? also the line doesn’t make sense
-comma isn’ needed after third line

fourth stanza
-second line isn’t a sentence
-“even now” makes it seem like the poem is over a long period of time when it’s only one night of insomnia
-the first two lines are awkward together, maybe combine, for example ive finally drifted off to where you wont be
-the last line might be better with an active voice with I instead of using “me”

also i think more metaphors and imagery
would help strengthen the poem

• add/view comments (1)

July 23, 2006

by field0finnocence

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
268	77.4% (53 votes)	68.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	M	Frederick, MD	August 30

sorry bout the crosses out
the new urbis has wierd codes

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