Poetry / 1st draft of swan (Analysis)

It is repeated twice.  Other than that, I think it is a fine piece.  I did notice perhaps that “And tell my time has come.” should be “And tell ME my time has come.”

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October 19, 2008

by marcus_pfeiffer

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Thanks.   have no idea how it’s repeated. Re : your suggestion of “And tell ME my time has come.”   absolutely not ! The personal pronoun would negate the meaning as well as the enjambent/rhythm.  All the best, Pfeiffer.

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I love the dual meaning.  I can see a swan on the lake ignoring you, and I can see a man looking over you in a crowd.  Nice, very nice.

This piece seems a bit forced…though you use variety in your language, the repetition of the exact same lines with nothing between…well, it doesn’t make sense. Other things that don’t make sense here: “Cleaving water lake disdainfully” --water, lake--one or the other, perhaps, but both aren’t needed, unless you meant ‘lake water.’ That’s about the only way to make this part make sense short of leaving it out or rewording it altogether. “And tell my time has come” --obviously you left out ‘me’--And tell ME my time has come. Some of the other lines are unclear, but once you’ve worked back through it, I think it will be a better read.

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July 02, 2008

by marcus_pfeiffer

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I am quite baffled – what repetition ?
You need to pay attention to the rhythm within the  structure to get why cleaving water lake. It’s entirely necessary for rhythm / enjambement.  And similarly, re. ‘And tell my time has come.’  ; it  would be absolutely poetically ruined by the addition of ‘me’  -  which is implied in any case. And even on simple reading-  a clarion tells all, me included, and so another is not onl clumsy – the self reference leads to poetic redundancy.

Thanks – I’ll look into what is being repeated ??  !

Good luck

Pfeiffer

July 02, 2008

by goofygoober168

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While I applaud you for your seemingly extensive vocabulary…I don’t find this piece enjoyable at all. It’s unclear, lacks focus and meaning—it almost as if it was written to display your vocabulary, not to make a connection with the reader or even yourself.

It’s somewhat unnerving that you cannot seem to comprehend that it is REPEATED. The entire thing. It’s there twice. Odd you wouldn’t notice that since you seem to dislike ‘redundancy.’

July 03, 2008

by marcus_pfeiffer

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I have seen and remedied the repetition now. However, it is as pefectly focused and clear as light through a lens ; I am afraid it cannot be helped if the simple metaphor is opaque to you. The poem also is poetically economic with words, displaying, in fact, very little vocabulary.

pip pip

Pfeiffer

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...In my opinion this is beautiful and soulfully written…

Why the repetition?  Doesn’t add anything but actually detracts from the piece.

Why the double space?  You be better off in stanza format.

Is the swan a priest?  Jesus? This is not clear.

What is your message?  Is is death longing? Is it a sense of belonging needed?  It is not clear.

I recommend you don’t repeat your piece and you should make the message clearer by adding something that defines it.  Maybe a line to the effect of your need.

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July 02, 2008

by marcus_pfeiffer

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apologies, but to what repetition do refer ?

once you have explained that I will be happy to derive the poem for you, from the sonoriety i aim at and within what architecture. It  it -  to simplify, quite conspicuously ’ to be at peace with death ’ ; and as such certainly needs no further  defintion -  the swan /death  metaphor is – if anything glaring !
( ie:  clarion call, tell my time has come. Etc … more would be crass. )

All the best

Pfeiffer

July 02, 2008

by squarehopper

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the stanza repeated itself.  Look at it.

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Lovely. This may be a silly question but is the first line 1st Draft/Swan? If not, remove it because it is confusing. I like the “clarion call” alliteration. This invites some musing and cannot be absorbed in minutes. Thank you. It is beautiful.

This is a well crafted poem, the flow of it rings and it evokes the regal essence of a swan in a lake while hinting to the spiritual essence they portray for men.

The last few lines kind of hint at mortality and potential immortality as if the swan was a totem animal that was there to convey those times.

And tell my time has come. – I’ve seen sentences like this so often that I’m starting to wonder if I’m wrong in ‘correcting’ them, but shouldn’t you say “and tell ME my time has come” ?

The question arises why is he “my” swan all of a sudden when he doesn’t notice the narrator at all? What does the swan symbolize that the angels must intercede in order for the disdainful swan to make his call to call the narrator to death? What is his purpose that only he is the bearer of such news? Who does he represent? It’s not clear. Somehow this poem seems unfinished.

Well, I don’t think u need any feedback, obviously it’s good because it’s in your 4th book!!  :)