im contunuing it and yes she does. and i like your suggestions so thats fine. thank you!
Romance / Far Across The Distance
I looked into his beautiful green eyes. Those very eyes that send chills down my spine, and make my breath stop. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close. After a few minutes, he pulled me away and looked at me meaningfully, making me loose my balence.
”Beth, I love you,” he breathed deeply. My head began to spin as I slowly leaned forward and kissed his collar bone.
”I love you too Robert.” I smiled slighty.
Most people aren’t lucky enough to find a soul mate, a life long companion, the one and only, at such an age. I was one of the lucky ones.
The problem wasn’t our age keeping our love locked up more than we wanted. It was two simple words: distance and parents. We were 16,madly in love and secretly engaged. All of our time consisted of keeping in touch. It wasn’t the easiest thing for either of us, but our love kept the relationship strong and the long absences without seeing eachother as painless as possible.
My face became red both with furry and happiness. Furry because of our bound love entwined around the very face of Fate and happiness for being with the man I knew in my heart I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I pulled him back against me, my head on his bare chest. I closed my eyes as I smelled his scent all around me.
”I dont want to leave,” I moaned lowly.
”I wish you didnt have to.” HIs hand moved up my waist and into my hair, stroking my face softly. We could have been like that for an eternity, which suited me. I didnt want the moment between us to end so soon. Robert took my face in his hands, forcing my eyes to looking into his.
”I know this isnt the easiest but I want you to know how much I love you and care about you. Please remember that no matter what happens.” I rolled my eyes slightly. Robert always became paranoid when our absences without seeing each other started. I knew he loved me and I wanted nothing more that that day to come when we could get up and leave together. I looked down at the floor and back at him.
”I know. I love you too and nothing can change us or how we feel about each other.” His lips brushed mine, then made thier way to may cheek and down my neck. My body trembled. His lips found thier way back up my neck and up to my ear, where they lingered for awhile.
”I have something for you,” he whispered putting his hand in his back pocket. I glanced down and saw a purple velvet box in his hand. As puzzled as I was he laughed at my expression. Then taking both my hands with his free one, he got down on one knee. My brain suddenly clicked as I began to undertand what was going on. Tears silently slid down my cheek.
“Beth. My whole life my parents told me, ‘Someday you will have a wife and children of your own.’ I never thought too much about finding somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with because I didnt think it would happen soon, if at all. Then I met you and everything changed. My out look on life and love shifted. I found myself having a reason to wake up in the morning and a reason to have trouble going to sleep at night..you. I love you so much Beth. I know we are engaged, but I wanted to do this right. Marry me?”
Everything shut down in my mind at that particular moment. My body became numb and all i could do was barely nod weakly. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized how much oxygen I had been lacking for the past few minutes.
”Yes Rob,” I smiled brightly wiping the tears from my eyes. He opened the purple box and a simple yet elegant ring sparkled in the sunlight. He removed it and placed it upon my finger standing up slowly. I admired it for awhile and leaped into his arms.
we crashed down onto his bed, his arms circling around me. His strong protective grip on my waist. He kissed me passionately and his hands moved up to the buttons on my shirt as mine did to his. Carefully, he looked at me and studied my expression.
”You want to do this Beth? I dont want to force you into anything.” His voice sounded powerful. I was beginning to feel a bit nervous and I fidgeted under his weight.
...To be continued…
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catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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This 285 word review has not been unlocked.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 2 -
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I hadn’t read anything of yours before I don’t think. This is beautiful and far more mature than your years. It must be something in the Pennsylvania water.:>)
You have painted the picture perfect romance of youth. Were I not slightly jaded by the realities of life and the rememberance of those feelings you describe I would be extraordinarily happy for Robert and his soul mate.
The reality of life long relationships are wonderful, but they consist of romance and beautiful moments in the beginning, difficult and often torturous paths throughout the middle years until you arrive together at the peaceful and quitely romantic years of the golden ages.
Enjoy the romance Miss S, prepare for the path ahead and know that time will take you the peace and love of the end.
I really like this a lot. You should write more.
Say hi to V for me. I do miss our conversations. :>)
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faydiablo reviewed Version 2 -
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OK, the “mean” stuff first. You misspelled fury, their, and you had a bunch of punctuation problems. It was also kind of an overplayed theme.
Now I have to say that it really was quite good and with a few revisions could be better.
WriteToFight reviewed Version 2 -
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It was an interesting story. It was not what I was expecting to read. I found it to be a cute story, I think that it has some potential. It seem like a Romeo and Juliet story. You should try to step away from that. I also felt that the ending was a little rushed. He proposes, then they are on the bed. You need something to lead up to that. I was a little confused. Maybe add that they never had sex before because she was waiting until she got married.
Dayle reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked the opening of this piece. It draws the reader in and makes you want to know who’s “Beautiful green eyes” ‘Beth’ is looking at.
The mood of the piece shifts quickly and it would have been good to give a little more detail on why distance and parents kept them apart
It’s a little hard to follow, but an all round good attempt =) Keep writing, this could progress well.
taypero reviewed Version 2 -
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The fifteen year old author has a gift for storytelling, but needs to exercise her talents in more meaningful subject matter.
The characters were vague and unfocused and overall I found it dripping with sentiment but lacking in exposition. I felt nothing for the couple because I knew nothing about them.
The author has written a scene that is ultimately boring and contrived, a scene with no depth that is repeated ad nauseam on Soap Operas daily and by the dozens. The author makes no effort to present the piece in a new and interesting manner.
The one thing I found in the writing was consistency. The focus was on the incident.
I would advise the writer to continue by writing short pieces of work until her own, unique style emerges before going on to longer works.
Taylor Pero
SemperConstance reviewed Version 2 -
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If this is a piece that you are simply writing for your own expression and development, then I think this piece works well. Your excellent vocabulary and your ability to sustain a narrative thought are especially impressive for someone so young. Thus, its easy for me to give you high marks for admiring your effort and to say that you certainly have a talent worth shaping.
When considering this individual piece as a piece worth publishing….well, that becomes a trickier question, because writing about love in a unique voice is hard to do nowadays. Simply put, because so much has been written on the subject, its hard to make two characters saying “I love you” sound original. Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with writing “His lips brushed mine, then made their way to my cheek and down my neck,” but that alone won’t impress a publisher, because everything they read contains sentences like these.
To make your story stand out, develop the characters. Give us more backstory. Let us know who they are, and what motivates them. Feed us the conflict and make us root for them. And most importantly, be original. Develop something in your love story that is unique and memorable for the reader. Then, you’ll be on your way to putting your exceptional talent to good use.
Miscellaneous grammar and spelling errors in this story that you’ll want to address:
“My face became red both with furry and happiness.”
Furry – Your dog is furry. When you’re angry, you get “red with fury.”
“My out look on life and love shifted.”
“Out look” is actually one word (ie. outlook).
“He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me close. After a few minutes, he pulled me away and looked at me meaningfully, making me loose my balence. “
Balance should be spelled “balance”
”I love you too Robert.” I smiled slighty.
Slighty should be “slightly”
“It wasn’t the easiest thing for either of us, but our love kept the relationship strong and the long absences without seeing eachother as painless as possible. “
“eachother” obvious should be “each other”
“I dont want to leave,” I moaned lowly.
”I wish you didnt have to.” Hss hand moved up my waist and into the golden locks of my hair, stroking my face softly. We could have been like that for an eternity, which suited me. I didnt want the moment between us to end so soon. Robert took my face in his hands, forcing my eyes to looking into his.
”I know this isnt the easiest but I want you to know how much I love you and care about you. Please remember that no matter what happens.”
You’ll want to re-read this part and remember your apostrophes (ie. don’t, didn’t, isn’t). Also “Hss” should be “His”
“ I know. I love you too and nothing can change us or how we feel about each other.” His lips brushed mine, then made thier way to may cheek and down my neck. My body trembled. His lips found thier way back up my neck and up to my ear, where they lingered for awhile.
“their” is actually spelled “their”.
“He removed it and placed it upon my finger standing up slowly” This sentence makes it sound like your finger is standing up slowly (wow, that would make for an interesting twist, eh?). Here, this would better read “He removed it and placed it upon my finger as HE stood up slowly.”
“My brain suddenly clicked as I began to undertand what was going on.”
“undertand” should be “understand”
“Its akward angles sent a rainbow of colors splashing against the white walls.”
Akward should be “awkward.”
“His strong protective grip on my waist.”
This is a sentence fragment and should appear as part of the previous sentence (ie. “We crashed down onto his bed, his arms circling around me, his strong protective grip on my waist.”)
In general, it’s always a good idea to run your work through Microsoft Word’s spell checker. My writing is always littered with misspellings before the spell checker does its magic, here you can benefit from it, too.
Sorry this ended up being so long :)
Happy holidays and good luck with the story! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Semper
AnnEnglish reviewed Version 2 -
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You have a talent worth shaping. You use verbs correctly without tense slippages. You put sentences correctly into paragraphs, and you arrange those paragraphs to tell a story. These skills are rare and precious.
You must master other skills of writing.
There is something wrong with these words: loose, balence, slighty, furry, thier, akward.
What must you do? What tools do you have to help you?
You need to work on commas, subordinate clauses, inverted commas (speech marks), and adverbs and adjectives. What must you do to find out about, for example, ”subordinate clauses”? Whom can you ask? What classes can you take?
I shan’t go on. I’ve given you many hours work already. But in a year’s time, if you put the effort in, you will look again at this work and you will see two things: (1) it’s badly flawed, much worse than you think it is now, and (2) it’s very good work, good in ways which I can see but which you can’t see yet.
Go for it!
Ann
Trenchtownrock reviewed Version 2 -
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I love this piece and how the story was developed. You took the story from the start and remained consistent with it throughout. There are a few errors but nothing major. I believe this can develop into something very special.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow!!!
Was she sure in the end if she wanted to go all the way that is the question in the end she sounded abit hesitant about whether or not she wanted to marry him or be with him at the sametime, I dont know that was my perception of it anyways.
Overall the piece was good, just one spelling error I came across which was…”Its akward angles sent a rainbow of colors splashing against the white walls.” ( I think you mean awkward) right?
And I’d like to make a suggestion if I may:
Instead of saying “I looked into his beautiful green eyes.Those very eyes that send chills down my spine, and make my breath stop”
Why not say “I gaze into his beautiful green eyes,whose glance sends shivers down my spine and makes me breathless” or something to that affect that line I came up with for me personally doesn’t cut it but for your poem it might, upto you.
Keep up the great work, and most importantly keep writing you get more better at it when you do.
All the best
Amy
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