yo thanks for the review man. but hey, these are your questions, not mine. everybody writes differently. and i like writing this way. it makes the reader use their imagination. open ended stories werent made up for nothing
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / cigars and water
The street was dark and empty, sidewalks burning orange with the light of the street lamps. The street was gleaming and shimmering with pebbles, rocks, and old broken glass from car windows that had been sitting there previously. The night was dark and almost eerie, quiet and cold. While walking home after a long day of studying with some friends I noticed a marked police car zoom onto the street with its lights and sirens on. The sirens were far away when I first noticed them, but I didnt think anything of it. There are sirens constantly in New York. The police car came to an abbrupt halt, tires screeching on the pavement of the opposite sidewalk i was on. The police man jumped out of his car and pulled his gun on a strange man I had not noticed there. The man was very tall, wearing a dirty white T-shirt and blue jeans with combat boots. He had long scraggly red hair, and a short beard.
“Put your hands on your head and go down to your knees!” I heard the police man yell. There were many people on the sidewalk now. People from out of nowhere were suddenly appearing along the sidewalks to watch in horror as the crime scene developed.
“Go down on your knees!” the officer yelled again, now holding the strange man at gun point. The man in which was being cornered dismissed the police man with his right hand and kept walking.
“obey our orders or we will shoot you!” yelled the police man. There were six police men there now, all with guns drawn and taking cover behind their cars and around building corners as a precaution. The man kept walking down the burning sidewalk acting as if there was nothing wrong. A crowd of people were standing not too far from the scene, in the path of the perp. The crowd of people were backing up fast, and yelling at the man to stop. The man slowly pulled a gun out of the front part of his waist on his pants, and cocked it.
“Put down the weapon! we do not want to shoot you!” yelled a police man I had not noticed before. The strange man pointed his gun at a woman with curly brown hair in the crowd in pulled the trigger. The bullet hit the woman in the left shoulder, immediately sending blood flying in all directions. This obviously was not the spot the man intended to pierce. The curly haired woman fell to the ground screaming in agony and bleeding. Taken aback for a slit second, the police recovered their thoughts, and shot at the man. Strange, angry, dirty, and bleeding, the man fell onto the hard sidewalk dead; blank eyes staring across the street.
Deciding that i didn’t want to watch this strange man get put in a body bag, i finished my walk home wondering what tomorrows test would be like.
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SeattleghostWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Definitely has potential to be a good detective/mystery story. While there are alot of awkward sentence structures, once they are cleaned up, the story and characters will definitely be something that the reader can sink their teeth into.
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jmantooth reviewed Version 1 -
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This held my attention throughout because I wanted some answers about the man. Why was he ignoring the police? Why did he shoot the woman? These questions drive the story. Yet--and this is my biggest problem with the story--you do not deal with these questions! In my opinion this does not work as a five hundred word piece. What you’ve set up demands a much longer treatment.
A few typos/ errors/ confusing parts:
1. the night was almost eerie? How can the night almost be eerie? And even if it could, this is an example of telling when you should be showing us
2. obey our orders or….—Obey should be capitalized.
3. “The man slowly pulled a gun out of the front part of his waist on his pants, and cocked it.”—ver awkward sentence.
4. “Taken aback for a slit second—should be split
5. Last sentence should have an apostrophe in tomorrows
Hope this helps
pinestategal reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this piece shows the unfortunate apathy some people have for others. It didn’t flow very well in my opinion and the line…The man in which was being cornered…definately needs to be reworked.
MoulinCool reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a strange and yet interesting piece. As basic as it is, it pulls the reader in deeper with the last line “I finished my walk home wondering what tomorrows test would be like.” I am left asking ‘is this test for school…or of something else?’ A nice ending. Respectively leaving the reader wanting more.
With that said, I think you could do more with this story, a lot more. Grammar is slightly off…and I’m pretty sure instead of “slit” its “slight”. But no biggie. Good luck with this. Take care =]
TennNicole reviewed Version 1 -
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Although admittedly, this was only a thought, I think this could turn into something big. Perhaps you could use this as a middle scene of some average Joe who walks the shadows of the city or as a middle scene of a detective story where the guy was on his way to some place and the guy who got killed was supposed to be the person he was searching for.
The reason I say middle scene because the phrase “what tomorrows test would be like” makes me feel as if there were tests before this night and will be more tests after this night for the main character. Especially, since the speaker really didn’t deal with any test per se; he was only walking down the street, so I’m not sure what tests there were. Maybe I missed something.
This story certainly has me intrigued. I’d like to get to know the speaker better and I’d certainly like to know why this strange guy did what he did.
While there are many potential promises in this story, there are some issues as well. The line about the night being dark, eerie, quiet and cold is a bit of a cliche. Perhaps try a different description of the night or even go for the same effect with different words.
The only real concern I have in this story is how long it took the cops to kill the guy. We’ve all seen too many incidents on the news about cops shooting people when they pulled out anything only to realize later it wasn’t a gun. Cops typically don’t wait for the perp to fire the weapon before shooting. Perhaps you could clean that up a bit.
Either way, I’d like to see this in later drafts.
If this was only a thought, your thoughts are very vivid and imaginative. :)
AstroBoyJ7 reviewed Version 1 -
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This has all the elements of a solid crime drama; dark, gritty, cold and violent. My guess is that it is the beginning and if it is, it’s a good start. My only suggestion would be to add some more about the main character so we get to know her.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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”... a marked police car zoom onto the street with its lights and sirens on. The sirens were far away when I first noticed them, but I didnt think anything of it. There are sirens constantly in New York. The police car came to an abbrupt halt, tires screeching on the pavement of the opposite sidewalk i was on.” This description is all crazy and whacked out. I would first describe the sound of the police car far away first. The follow through of this description jumps back and forth and although I know what you’re trying to say, I think re-wording it would serve your purposes much better.
Punctuation errors abound in this piece. I’d suggest running it through a word checker. Example, “obey our orders” and “Put down the weapon! we do not want to shoot you!”
Your writing needs serious work. The only way you will get better is to practice. And read. Good luck in the future.
-Curt
quaintfungus reviewed Version 1 -
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Although the piece is descriptive and manages to tell the tale you set out to tell.You need to spend a little time on a re write if you want to develop the story. From my point of view ( which is only an opinion).You should try and change some of the more obvious phrases that you have used.
The night was dark,
I noticed a marked police car.
These phrases can just be taken for granted. I prefer ‘sidewalks burning orange ’. That is much more poetic, and shows your individuality.
You say that there are all way sirens in new york, They are so prolific that you don’t notice them
The sirens were far away when I first noticed them. This dosn’t make a lot of sense. I get a feeling for what you mean.
“obey our orders or we will shoot you!” yelled the police man. this sounds a little flat unless that is your intention. Anyway i would go for a rewrite this has potential just needs some attention to the details. good luck.
You could look at the dialouge.
I heard the wail of a siren, They are so commonplace in New York. I thought nothing of it
till The police car came to an abbrupt halt, tires screeching on the pavement of the opposite sidewalk.
I like the way the guy your describing just keeps walking. Ignoring everyone.He seems a real psycho.I wouldn’t kill him off at the end try and find a reason for his behaviour or maybe take us back to the cause.
VoidSucker reviewed Version 1 -
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This isn’t bad but try to watch your descriptions:
‘The street was dark and empty’
Dark AND empty?
‘The street was gleaming and shimmering with pebbles’
Gleaming AND shimmering?
‘The night was dark and almost eerie, quiet and cold.’
Dark AND almost eerie AND quiet AND cold?
You can describe things with as many words as you like, of course, but each word you use weakens the rest. Also, it will be more effective if you choose one word that means more than one thing.
Dark and empty -> bleak? deserted?
Gleaming and shimmering -> glistening? sparkling?
eerie and quiet and cold -> eerie would do by itself here
the_ringer reviewed Version 1 -
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i like how the murder becomes a fleeting thought to the passerby. the cigars and water is kind of random as the title as it doesn’t relate at all. interesting, though.
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