A lot of People have been asking me…
I am all wet from my shower so my hair is dripping smudges onto the page.
I pretty much never lie. It isn’t because I possess some great morality or anything so much as it’s due to the fact that lying doesn’t occur to me. I don’t realize when maybe I should not be telling the truth. I am sure that it is because my brain is under-developed, but whatever, it makes me an open book and people like open books.
So when people ask me about cocaine I tell them what I know. I tell them the truth. I tell them that, yeah, I spent a lot of time doing coke. I tell them that it is a great drug as long as you aren’t stupid. I was stupid. I did it daily and I did things like try to present my PIG project high on the stuff; papers went flying every which way, fumbling in front of the class. It is a drug that feels so, so good, but the fact is you can’t take it and be stupid.
It has been almost two years since I had any cocaine. It will be two years in February, but I think that I will do it again. When I do it again, I will know though, that things have to be different. It will be different because of what I know.
Over the past year a lot of people have been asking me about coke. Mostly it happens when I run into somebody I went to high school with. Sometimes they ask because they know, or have heard, that I used to do coke. Other times the conversation begins, “have you ever done coke?”
Obviously they are curious about the drug. It stands to reason though, all of us (the kids my age) were born into the coke infested world of the 1980s. Sure it quickly changed, but in many cases it even helped to create us. Cocaine’s left over mess still lingers and it can be seen in families. You know, that uncle who has a temper and never got married? He has a belly and a party-worn face? Cocaine.
I was surprised the other night when I was at a show with a few of my friends. On of them, Dan turned to be at one point in the night and said, “I still haven’t done coke yet.” I like the “yet” it means that he’s honest too. It surprised me both that he had not yet done it, (he’s a partier) and because he brought it up with me.
I don’t think he should do it. He isn’t the type to be stupid like I was. He is the type that I can see doing it as a weekend thing though. It wouldn’t ruin him, but he’d be a bar person you know? (Not too many people are familiar with what a bar person really is. You almost have to be born into the network. I was.)
Anyway, what was I talking about?
As more and more people come to ask me about cocaine I wonder why they ask me. I wonder if I seem like the kind of girl who’s been around, who’s done coke? Do people see that I am that sort? Do I have that, as a local radio personality put it, “have that party girl stank” about me? Do they ask me because they know that I have that open book quality and know that I will really tell them what it is about.
Or is it something else?
Are a lot of people being questioned? Is there a booming, yet tentative interest in cocaine happening right now? And if so, why?
See, I don’t only get asked a lot of questions, I ask them too!
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I think I can totally relate…maybe not to coke. (ive never done it, but i know people who have.) but people do ask me about weed a lot.
and I think you’re right. it has a lot to do with how people see you; what kind of image you give off. not gonna lie, i’m kind of a hippie. i wear tie-dye a lot, i go around barefoot most days, and i’m not exactly known for keeping my hair neat. i have smoked pot. several times. but im not a pot head. sometimes i really resent it when people treat me like one.
I think the term to describe you (according to you) is someone who “wears their heart on their sleeve.” You don’t “hold your cards close to your chest”. You’re pretty much transparent. My question is, do you often censor the things that you’re thinking when you’re around other people? Or is your voice on constant “transmit” from what’s going on in your brain? There are many ways to answer this question… Last question, honestly, did you write this when you were on cocaine? I had to ask. I have other questions but if you wish they could continue in the comment box. Good read.
-Curt
Your writing is very intresting to me especially when you say “It will be two years in February, but I think that I will do it again”. To be honest I would have to say if it has been two years and you haven’t done it you are doing an amazing thing that not many can do. Not to go all spiritual on you but, maybe people ask you questions about coke because God has placed you in these peoples lives to help them not make the same mistakes. I hope everything works out for you.
First – the title is killer. Keep it no matter what. The transparent honesty that you display while writing about your use makes this a piece that explains but doesn’t preach, exposes dangers and concerns but allows personal choice and freedom. Although I may not agree with your choices, I can see things from your standpoint.
Couple grammar – ask if you want.
The topic may come up alot, simply because you talk about it alot, in the sense that people you open yourself up to go tell other people who when they see you, ask you. I doubt you have party girl stank.
I would advise you not to do cocaine again. ALL addictions make people stupid.
It’s not exclusive to cocaine. Cocaine may be a little more potent in that regard, but all addictions are harmful. I wouldn’t put too much stock in your brain being under-developed either. We’re not all brainiacs, and if you’re thoughtful enough to pose these thoughts, then you must have something going on in the brain department. Good luck.
I respect your “open book” quality for I share this same aspect about myself as well. In my view, to lie would only make matters worse. As the old saying goes,”a little white lie can become a bigger one.” I believe strongly in this quote for it’s true. Also, there is also your guilty conscience to consider as well. Even if I find myself lying, I’ll instantly admit to it, apologizing even for the simplest of deceit for deceit is deceit.
Regarding cocaine, you feel open to distribute answers. Well here are some of my questions you don’t even need to answer if you don’t feel comfortable to do so. Be sure to understand, I only ask for intellectual, understanding purposes, not to ridicule or anything of that matter.
1. Why consume cocaine?
2. What has it done for you in the positive and negative prospects of your life?
3. Do you actually feel it is acceptable to consume cocaine even if you consider yourself to know what your doing?
4. Have you lost anyone because of this drug, whether it be death or other factors of the meaning of “lost?”
5. Did you face ridicule from others becuase of your drug usage?
6. Why is it so addicting?
Also if there is anything else you’d like to mention feel free to do so. I’m always open to listen, and provide help if you so choose to ask. My genuine concern for others, even strangers, is potent, and not to be mistaken with fraud. Words of false meanings, isn’t one of my qualities.
-veronica
I think people do ask you because like you say you are honest, so will tell them the truth, if it did you harm or what the pleasures were of the drug, also they know that you’ve tried it and they may fancy trying it but are afraid of the effects or being hooked.
If you are honest enough you will also tell them how hard it is to get off for the addictive personallity, but like you say some people are open minded and are not of an addictive nature.
Only recently I tried weed and I found it pleasurable , but then again I have only done it twice as recreational, coke is far more a dangerous substance than weed. personally I would’nt risk it, I have a younger friend who tried it, and she was crazy sometimes with it. but like you she got off it ok. Personally if I were you I would’nt try it again as it may get you again.
Hey LOL I have a temper and never married , but I did’nt take coke. THat was as a result of bullying and parental relationships, not drugs.
Great read and I can feel your words. Your grammer needs a little work and your spelling is good.
When a writer can make a person feel your words you are a writer.
Your who,what,when,where,why and how are all there.
Keep up the good writing.
I appreciate the refreshing, introspective honesty of this piece. It’s not as disjointed as you think. In fact, the stream of consciousness works, when you don’t fall too far off message. I love the combination of personal speculation combined with experiential anecdote. The title is especially powerful and direct. Great hook.
I would like to have had more personal experience in this piece, mixing the good with the bad. Your written voice is very powerful, especially for as non-judgemental as it is. That’s going to be the strength of your writing if you keep at it. You seem to be startlingly self-aware, and that’s a damned good thing.
Needs a bit of copy editing, a bit of trimming for fat, but for a blog post, this is really solid work.
Nice piece!....You are asking some very valid questions here to be sure!
With regards to being asked about coke, I believe that it’s not so much about having that “stank” about you as much as it is being a survivor and thus, a really strong, amazing, and resilient person that might just have a bit of insight into the subjects that center around drug culture!
With regards to the “stank” comment by the d.j., our society, for the most part, is based in an obsession with flaw and/or deficients. A culture that is also more apt to see “experts” fixing problems then to see that very same “problem” as a strength and the person with that strength as the expert him, or herself, instead.
With this in mind, maybe, just maybe, your friends are actually seeing you as that survivor. That person that has seen “it.” That person that will tell you straight once asked! That strong, forthright person that doesn’t suffer from the telling of bullshit! That one….(pointing in your direction.)....over there!
My question back to you is:
“How’d y’ah do it?...and how did you make those changes in your life that made it all possible for you to do so?” (‘Cause I really wann’ah know!”) (;o)
Great piece…and, by the way…..I can’t lie either but for me it’s because I’m simply horrible at it so I learned early on not to even bother wasting my time!
(hee hee hee.) ~Johnny
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