Romance / Ch. 1 {Loveless}
The long silent pause seemed as if it had lasted a century or more. It was the longest minute of my entire life. Every important moment that happened from three years ago up until now flashed before my eyes. I knew it, we both did. There was not going to be any memories of mine that would include him. Today will be the last day, the last memory.
“Please, don’t go.” I hesitated. “You don’t understand. I need you.” I tried to sound convincing in the least way.
“You’re making this harder than it has to be. Let me go, I don’t love you anymore.” He looked at me once more then bowed his head.
He had no idea how bad his last words hurt. Like a shard of glass ripping through my heart several times, leaving me there. I felt dead and useless. It was as if I was now a limp heart beating for no reason at all anymore. I tried to find words to spill at him, to take me back. Nothing, I couldn’t find one god damned word that was good enough to express my feelings towards him. “I never loved you.” I whispered.
Gregg looked up at me, I was hoping that my words pierced his heart just as bad as his had mine. I didn’t mean it, but did he know that? I said it to seek revenge. He didn’t look hurt, not at all. My eyes followed his. “Don’t you get it Gregg? I never loved you!” I screamed. I had no idea what made those words surge through me. It was uncontrollable. I had obviously lost control of my voice. I went overboard. Why was I making this so hard on myself? He told me he didn’t love me anymore. I lied and said I never did. Was it just to seek revenge? Hoping he would tell me he was lying to?
He walked away, looking one last time. I fell in slow motion, in shock. I had just realized my surroundings. I was now lying on the wet grass, rain spitting at me. I began to sob, but he didn’t look back. He no longer cared. He didn’t have to, I was no longer his.
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That was really good, and sorrowful. I liked the line about the “rain spitting at me”. I think you should continue this, it sounds really cool.
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This is a very good start to something wonderful. It is very well written and it draws the reader in. It also has a little bit of suspense and gives you a small hint of who the woman in the story is. I would like to see more about this piece.
Revision:
Gregg looked up at me. I was hoping that my words pierced his heart just as bad as his had mine.
As a suggestion, I believe this would work out more nicely if you split it into two sentences. Otherwise, it seems more like a run-on sentence. However, you have the right idea of where to place a pause punctuation mark.
Revision:
He didn’t have to. I was no longer his.
This is another part of the story I believe would work nicely as two separate sentences.
Another factor about the structure itself I would like to mention is the dialog. Perhaps skip lines whenever a character is speaking. It would clean it up just a bit.
Regarding the content, overall, it was an enjoyable read so far. Despite some cliche moments, you’ve captured the emotions undergone during teenage angst, the heart broken state of rejection. I’m in wonder if this isn’t some kind of classic teen puppy love, or teenage purity love. I can’t quite interpret this so far. You’ve only provided a scrap for the reader. I believe more could be added in the imagery, showing, and detail department. There ways to enhance, to add upon, but I’m going to wait on suggestions until you post more later, which I’m assuming your going to.
veronica
I like this, watch your spelling and past and present tense usage, such as ”Today will be the last day” Try, today would be the last day. I need to know where all this dialogue is coming from. Give me more background, how did the characters get to this point. What are their surroundings. I think it is a good start. I would like to read more.
that was beautiful and i felt the pain aswell. it is such a touching story which many of us have faced in life, me myself having been in a situation like this, cept the love was forbidden and not because it was like underage or anything, lol.
but yes, that is a very heartfilled story and its things like that which bring out our soft caring sides. if i could cry i would have because that story was saddening for me as i hate the crush of losing a loved one.
very detailed and very clear. i love your work and great job ;-)
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