I’m truly humbled by your kind review. I appreciate the suggestion regarding the use of “speak”, i’ll consider when making a future revision. Thank you so much for your encouragement!
Haiku/Senryu / Self-inflicted Ennui
I thought communion
required two souls for sharing.
I commune alone.
Sometimes I hear you.
I think sometimes you hear me,
But they aren’t shared thoughts.
I speak of joys.
You talk to me of illness.
We lack translation.
If my soul is well
Why show me failing bodies?
Do you doubt me too?
Seeking does not work.
I look for reassurance
You give me questions.
I want mystical
Your offering is mundane.
I expect too much.
Clairification.
Do I evoke your ennui?
You expect too much.
Not mysticism.
Neither of us is magic.
What I miss, you see.
We are but one heart
In two planes of existence
My God doth indwell.
I don’t surprise you.
My body houses two souls.
I talk to myself.
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haikudo reviewed Version 5 -
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This has to be one of the tightest collections of philosophical haiku I have seen on urbis. I quite enjoyed the last two “stanza” getting to the heart of the entire matter of where does “art” come from. Are you enlightened or crazy, and at a certain level of meaning, is there any difference. You created a balance here, that makes this one of my favorites. Write on!
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evath reviewed Version 5 -
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I’ve only one small bit of criticism, so I’ll offer it before I give the praise.
In line 8, I would repeat “speak.” It would resonate with the times you
used the same word to describe them both; talk, kind of breaks the mood.
As for the wonderment of your poem
the mundaneness of it,
the lyric quality,
the sentiment it imparts,
the joy of reading it,
I rarely give 10s across the board
but I have given them to you here
This work is absolutely breathtaking in its simplicity,
candor and relevance.
Thank you for sharing.
Can I quote one of the greats?
“a thing of beauty is a joy forever.”
you have created a thing of beauty.
Blessings for Christmas!
Evangeline
epj reviewed Version 5 -
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I particularly liked the one you used for the intro. They were all good and neatly in their place. Also it was easy reading and I didn’t have to guess what you were trying to say. Good job.
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 5 -
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Ennui gunsaku.
Poignant sorrow expressed well!
Pain is felt by all.
Clarification -
Communion and fellowship…
Group activities?
Is “indwell” a word?
Otherwise excellent work!
I want to read more.
bluedog reviewed Version 5 -
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Some parts of this are stronger than others. I particularly liked this stanza (I’m not sure that’s the correct term…):
Sometimes I hear you.
I think sometimes you hear me,
But they aren’t shared thoughts.
There’s something about that thought that I found to be stirring. It really speaks to hollow feeling communication and, I think, implies a lot more than it says.
I’d go through this poem and tighten it. It feels a little sprawling to me at the present. I think there’s room to condense your thoughts. The more you can imply the whole with spare but concrete and telling details, the stronger I think this piece will become.
missunique45 reviewed Version 5 -
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This poem wasn’t that clear some of your thoughts seemed to be incomplete and can use some revision. There are some good phrases such as this
Sometimes I hear you.
I think sometimes you hear me,
But they aren’t shared thoughts
You have a talent worth shaping just his piece seems to need a little more work.
arualsuga reviewed Version 5 -
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I’m not sure exactly what’s going on, but this depicts schizophrenia really well. Or multiple Personality Disorder, except I’m not sure the personalities are aware of one anoother.
Seeking does not work.
I look for reassurance
You give me questions.
this was my favourite part.
Also I don’t understand how you refer to yourself as ‘alone’ when there are clearly two people (or souls) involved here.
Truth_Behind_Conspired_Words reviewed Version 5 -
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One thing I noticed about this piece is that each line kind of seems like a seperate abstract thought. I found myself tripping up a couple times over the flow of it. It’s a good piece but could use some work on the lines connecting in the stanzas.
mash reviewed Version 5 -
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My understanding of Haiku/Senryu is 5, 7, 5 format. There is one sentence that doesn’t meet this criteria. ”I speak of joys”. Other than that – I enjoyed this piece. I like that it flows together so smoothly and is seemless. A really nice read. Enjoyed and would like to read more.
NancyAllen reviewed Version 5 -
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I enjoyed the depth of your thinking. I don’t know alot about poetry, but I know what I enjoy and this was an easy read. You do good work.
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