thanks for the great review
i know i hated the first one too
-_- it sucks major
Young Adult / Black Feathers Part 2
“Soon…” Ari whispered, his face concentrated on the huddled masses below, I wanted to believe I did not know what he spoke of, but i felt it. the tear of the earth, the groan of the universe, it was soon, very soon.
Everyone of us began to fidget, to stretch mundane wings, and lanky arms all feeling the adrenaline beginning to rush.
The Ethereal beings began to descend near us, Ari snarled and as did others hissing and growling like disturbed cats. They didn’t care, some even fooled with us, drawing near to our dangerous claws. I heard a scream, one of them, a young handsome boy with golden hair had got caught by one of us, a Middle aged woman with anger in her eyes. Ari laughed, and for the first time i saw him truly smile. She began to unmercifully ripping him into shreds. I cringed as blond tresses mixed with silver blood, when he was nothing more then disemboweled limbs she dropped him to the ground bellow. I watched in horror, would they see the limbs? would they feel the rain of such beautiful blood?
Instead the blood, the limbs all evaporated into silvery mist, that rose and gathered into a cloud, and from the cloud a boy of golden tresses popped out and flew back to his friends, wide eyed and wary of us below. “But how?” I gasped, Ari rolled his eyes at me, “you can’t be serious Trista” when he saw I was, he looked disgusted, “we are already dead, we can’t die again, and because of today instead of returning to earth, we just return the way we were just before, like it never happened.”
I looked disbelieving at the boy looking for some sign of injury of what had just transpired, but he was just as perfect and unblemished as before. He caught me staring, he cocked his head at me, and smiled. I was warm again, and as he turned away,the cold returning, I wanted summer to come like never before.
As I turned back to the people, I began spotting auras willing them to be brighter, to see the black and white. The colors began to bore me becoming mundane in my mind, thats when i saw him, pink…Pink as a newborn. “A Rose Fledgling.” I whispered.
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CatherineR reviewed Version 1 -
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WhiteRabbit reviewed Version 1 -
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Such a wonderful raw talent. Perhaps you could have described the mauling a little better by including the young boy’s facial features as he realized that he had been caught or perhaps the sounds of the event. You do not need to get too graphic, but perhaps a little more detail would make it more real for the reader. Again… I really do enjoy your writing style, keep up the good work.
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omahadick reviewed Version 1 -
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tanithsdestiny reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow I like this (no offense) much better than your prologue. (Well, it’s easier for me to read)
The exchange between the Ethereal beings and “us” are really neatly portrayed in the savagery and then rebirth. I also like how you show Trista becoming more aware of her world and learning about what she has become.
bunny_dreamer reviewed Version 1 -
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I kinda liked it. It seemed a little basic to me. Like it wasnt really as dark as it was in the beginning like it loosing its umph! Just try and develop your dark side a little more. But other than that I really enjoyed it.
lynsey reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this just as much as your first part. It’s very imaginative and I’m intrigued to know more. I thought line ‘would they feel the rain of such beautiful blood’ was great, very chilling. I still think you could make it even more descriptive by adding in smells and more sounds and maybe even cut down on adjectives such as ‘dangerous’ and ’unmercifully’ – show us how the claws are dangerous, what colour are they, what length are they; are they sharp enough to cut a human’s throat in one swipe?
Rylan reviewed Version 1 -
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While I was a little confused by this piece, it was written very well. You have a good sense of flow and sentence structure, and I can see this becoming a full fledged novel. You need to work a little bit when it comes to grammar and sentence structure, you have a lot of punctuation missing, and though I know you said that you didn’t want us to point these sort of things out, it’s all part of a review and factors into its publish-ablility. You use some good description that I’m sure make more sense in the context of the story, but as far as a concise, descriptive snippit of a story goes, this was pretty good and leaves the reader wondering what happens next. Thank you for sharing, and thanks for posting!
—Rylan
radar reviewed Version 1 -
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I really got into this chapter. You have a wonderful way of putting your words together. This piece was visually stimulating. I got a perfect view of your characters and surrounding events. The action was terrific. Loved the beautiful silver blood. Keep writing. Well done.
serqua reviewed Version 1 -
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You do have a way with words. This piece has a good flow about it as well as a great story line. Once it is cleaned up it will be a great read I believe. It is not ready for a publisher yet though. Keep up the good work.
MorbidShadows reviewed Version 1 -
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I must admit, there isn’t much to work with to provide an analysis, thus far. However, the storyline is exquisite. Considering I read your first draft of chapter one, I have an adequate idea of events have taken place. The reader is learning as the protagonist, Trista is adapting to her fresh state of being as a “Rose Fledging.” The appealing aspect is you don’t clearly state that you are describing seraphs, angels, but the description shows us what they are. I’m left in wonder who this young rose fledging is. Once you’ve developed even further, I’ll conclude a more sufficient analysis.
-veronica
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