It’s fine, I know what you mean!
Thanks for the review, this is the first time I have done anything in this style so I’m looking for the flaws that I have made :)
Thanks again and have a nice day/afternoon/evening!!
Frendly_Bubbles
Poetry / This is the way of . . . . . . (Analysis)
As night turns to day the creatures hide away,
As day turns to night the creatures come out to play.
This is the way of nature,
This is the way of man.
My mood changes as often as the minutes pass,
My mood changes depending on whom I’m with.
This is the way my life is,
This is the way of man.
Music changes depending on the artist,
Music changes depending on the mood in which the artist is in.
This is the way of the mind,
This is the way of man.
The way of nature is give life and take life,
The way of man is bring life and take life.
The way of the mind is be conscious of actions and live until you die,
The way of life is be bored and die.
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DramaGeek reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this was a good piece. It was a little choppy at the beginning but otherwise well written. I like the ending the best.
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arualsuga reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the repetition of the ‘this is the way of the mind,’ etc. But the couplets between these don’t flow as well as they could.
Example:
Music changes depending on the artist,
Music changes depending on the mood in which the artist is in.
perhaps the second line could read ‘Music changes depending on the mood of the artist’ just to cut out a few of those pesky little words and syllables and help the flow.
The concept of this poem is fantastic I really like the comparison between man and nature and the mind, and seeing how similar and how different they all are.
The last stanza I think is really the cherry on top, it wraps up your poem well and it gives the reader something to think about.
YAY!!! GOOD WORK!!!
cortloffsgerl reviewed Version 1 -
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From what I can get from this, the message is that life is filled with change, boredom and eventually death?
It will definitely make a person think.
The rhyming is a little out of “flow”. try breaking the sentences and rewriting them without breaking any of your wording.
Perhaps if the lines were put into a smoother flowing structure, the work would be stronger.
As for the overall message and presentation, the thoughts are vivid and useage of words is quite nice. Just needs a minor polishing. Good job.
(sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you on this request, hun. Has been a long, grueling semester)
juliadi reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked everything up until the very last line “the way of life is be bored and die.” I don’t feel like it flowed with the rest of the piece.
perfct2u reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem seems to have a drum beat in the background, a rythm somehow. My suggestions are below:
- “The way of _ is :” place a : after is in the last four lines of your poem, otherwise it may be grammatically incorrect.
- “The way of life is: be bored and die.” This last line seems to contradict the rest of the poem. Perhaps ending on an up note would be better?
drycleaner26 reviewed Version 1 -
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You start out really well on this poem. It has a good rhythm throughout.
“Music changes depending on the mood in which the artist is in.”
This line seems to break the rhythm. It seems too long for the rest of the work.
When you talk about the way of life it leads me to believe you are leading me to something better than myself. The ending does not fulfill this thought. I was dissappointed in just the ending.
CallmeJane reviewed Version 1 -
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This was an intriguing read. It made me think, you’re right. Everything can be tied to the way of life and the way of man. It flowed well, except for in the beginning. You started out rhyming and then just stopped. I find it is easier to read a piece when it either rhymes completely or not at all. This is a great poem though, and it is a work from your heart. Don’t change it unless your heart tells you to.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.
-Jane
Lenore reviewed Version 1 -
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You started out ryhming, but then you didn’t, if your going to rhyme keep doing it in a discernable pattern. The parallel construction is kind of repetitive more than effective. I thought this was a poem that only the writer could understand, thats fine, its fun to express oneself.
Big_D reviewed Version 1 -
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too repetitive, too bland, spice it up with imagery to describe the point you are trying to make. Develop the use of more complicated vocabulary to describe your point in less words. ideas…
night gives way to the day
creatures vanish
sun sets and darkness overcomes
creatures out to play
natures way
be careful about forcing rhyme too much.
moanmyname reviewed Version 1 -
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At first I though this poem was goin to be bland but i was drawn to the line”The way of the mind is be conscious of actions and live until you die,” Very powerful words. Overall I think you did good.
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