this is meant for a short performance
i think when i performed it it ran about 10 to 15 minutes.
Stage Play / Buying A Life
CAST:
Michael
Stephanie
Joseph
Woman Behind Counter (WBC)
Enseamble of about four or five
SR is set up like a living room area with a front door far SR, there is a television set off center toward SL. C is a bedroom where there is a bed. Lights are on in the living area as well as the TV, all lights are off SL.
Michael: (Coming on SR) Hey honey I’m home. (He speaks very dully) I’m thinking we should have casserole tonight, what do you think? (Walks to the TV (off C) it is turned on) You left the television on again, try to conserve a little electricity please. (Turns it off)
Stephanie: (OS) What was that?
Joseph: (OS) I dunno go check it out.
Stephanie gets up and peaks out the door; Michael is looking the opposite direction.
Stephanie: (to man closing the door, whispering) Crap it’s my husband!
Joseph: (whispering) I thought you said he wasn’t supposed to be home until eight!
Stephanie: He must have got off early!
Joseph: What time is it?
Stephanie: Four!
Joseph: Ah!
Michael: Hey honey, are you resting?
Stephanie: Oh crap, stay here!
During their conversation Michael looks around looking for Stephanie and reaches up under the couch cusion and pulls out a bag of Cheetos sniffs them and eats one, hears something puts them back in the hiding spot and walks to the bedroom door
Stephanie covers herself with a bed sheet and opens the bedroom door just as Michael nears it.
Stephanie: (anxiously) Hi Michael. You’re home early.
Michael: Yeah well, today is Saturday and I forgot that it was my boss’ birthday and normally all the guys go out and eat for his birthday, and well you know how me and the guys get along. I mean my hair still hasn’t fixed right since the last swirly.
Stephanie: (sarcastically and almost exasperated) Oh you poor dear. Listen honey why don’t you go to the store and get some ice cream or something.
Michael: We have plenty of ice cream. You asked me to buy four tubs of it last week.
Stephanie: (trying to think of ways to get him out of the house) Oh yes I forgot, well will you go wash my car.
Michael: Umm I don’t think so it looks like it’s about to rain.
Stephanie: (Exasperated) Well can’t you think of anything to do!
Michael: Well I’d like to go into our bedroom and take a nap and eat some Cheetos. Is the bed-(a sound in the bedroom is heard)-What was that?
Stephanie: Oh it was just the cat.
Michael: We don’t have a cat you know I’m allergic.
Michael tries to look in but Stephanie blocks his view.
Stephanie: Hi honey you look tired why don’t you watch some TV and fall into a deep deep sleep where you can’t hear anything.
Michael: I’d rather sleep in my own bed Stephanie so if you’ll please move.
Stephanie: No dear I don’t think that would be good. (Another sound from the bedroom)
Michael: What are those noises?
Stephanie: Nothing you’re hearing things. (Coughing in the bedroom)
Michael: (Slightly irritated) No honey I know I’m not imagining those noises! Who is in there (more coughing?)
Stephanie: (really exasperated) Oh! Will you stop that coughing!
Joseph: Sorry I’m horribly allergic to dust!
Stephanie: Idiot.
Michael: The-Ther-(as if hit by an epiphany) There’s another man in there!
Stephanie: Yes there is, there you have it.
Michael: What… Stephanie … (Shocked)
Joseph gets up and stands beside Stephanie covered in a comforter
Joseph: I think you’d best leave. I don’t want to cause any problems.
Michael: Huh? What…Leave? I live here. (Trying to find courage but cant) I-I think you’d best leave buddy (Man snorts)
Stephanie: Look Michael… I haven’t been happy with you for months. Joseph and I are… well we’re better than you and I are.
Michael: When did all this happen?
Stephanie: About four years ago
Michael: When we got engaged!
Stephanie: I dunno sounds about right listen; all you do is complain about work. You sit on the couch watching countless hours of TV with a bag of Cheetos. I don’t even know the last time we’ve gone out to do anything. Joseph is exciting, a successful Musician, and he has a huge…salary, and he’ll do anything for me.
Michael: I’ll change baby I will… I don’t even need Cheetos
Stephanie: No it’s too late…
Michael: But wait, Stephanie…No…baby come back (Cue Baby Come Back)
Closes her door
BLACKOUT
Scene opens with Michael and Stephanie facing each other in the living room.
Stephanie: (talking) Joseph is fun and exciting and you are not.
Michael is standing there very sullen.
Stephanie: I have something to tell you. I’m breaking up with you.
Michael: What but you were just-?
Stephanie: Now let’s not get into details here. You sit around all day, you do nothing for yourself, your stuck in a monotonous routine that if I don’t get out soon I’ll be stuck there forever till death do us part.
Michael: But (indicating the ring on his finger)
Stephanie: (Shhh-ing him) Listen the main problem is…you just have no life.
(Cue Desperado)
2 Minutes Later
(Michael is sitting on couch watching the TV and eating Cheetos looking horrible)
Television: Do you wish you had a Life?
Michael: (to TV) More than you know.
Television: Do you need a Life so bad that I don’t even know?
Michael: What? (A little more curious)
Television: Has your life gone down in the dumps?
Michael: Yeah (On the edge of the couch)
Television: Has your good for nothing wife left you for some starving artist
Michael: Yeah!
Television: So stop on by and get a Life
Michael: I think I will. (Gets up and leaves SR)
Blackout
Michael: (Walking) I hope that I can finally get a life (Walks into a building)
WBC: Well hello there young man what can I do for you
Michael: I’m here to buy a life
WBC: A young good-looking successful man like yourself actually needs to buy a life, seriously?
Michael: Do you really think so?
WBC: No. Why would you be here if that were true.
Michael: Oh, right . . .
WBC: Well anyway take a walk with me and we’ll take a look around…So what kind of life do you want?
Michael: I want a powerful life one that could shake the whole earth and if I wanted to I could be in control of the earth and maybe even the universe (Evil Laugh)
WBC: Let’s start out with something simple shall we how about a wife or a girlfriend
Michael: No I’ve already been down that road and it’s pretty scary.
WBC: Oh so you saw the commercial.
Michael: Yea…Why?
WBC: That commercial gives us most of our business. People who get dumped by their loved ones usually watch that commercial and end up here.
Michael: Oh I see well then shall we get started.
WBC: An eager beaver. too bad we are out of that this week
Michael: Yea.
WBC: Let’s see we have pencil pusher, desk organizer, computer geek, World of Warcraft dork, and procrastinator.
Michael: Oh what’s that?
WBC: Well let’s take a look.
(The other side of the stage lights up and there are several people doing nothing. Some are playing video games others are sleeping some are just staring at the ceiling.)
Michael: What are they doing?
WBC: They have a huge essay do tomorrow.
Michael: Oh well that doesn’t seem much fun
WBC: Okay well I have push over, scientist, lame office job, teacher and sexoholic.
Michael: You know none of them seem to be the right fit for me.
WBC: (Getting Angry as she says her part) Well, If you don’t choose a life then you will be stuck in a void for all of eternity, until the heavens fall from the sky and the universe implodes.
Michael: ….Gulp….
WBC: Ha-ha I’m just kidding with you, but seriously I’m not. Anyway I have faith that you’ll find some life you would like to have.
Michael: Well I do like to read.
WBC: Alright I know exactly what you need, Book Nerd.
Michael: Umm no, no not a book nerd. That doesn’t sound very creative.
WBC: Well then. I guess we’ll continue our search.
Michael: But what if I can’t find a life that fits me?
WBC: Do you want to know what a person with no life looks like?
Michael: Did you just say what I think you said?
WBC: What do you think I said?
Michael: Do you want to see a person with no life looks like?
WBC: That’s what I said.
Michael: I’m a little scared.
WBC: Come. Do you see that man over there? (WBC points to the now lit stage and there is a man eating his shoe.) He doesn’t have a life. No purpose what so ever he just sits there and eats his shoe.
Michael: No! I don’t what to not have a life. I want to break free. (Queen comes in for a few seconds.)
WBC: Don’t worry I believe you’ll find a life.
Michael: Really?
WBC: Well I can’t actually be sure. I mean. I’m not a gypsy.
Michael: Thanks.
WBC: One day my friend your life will hit you like a smack to the face. (WBC smacks him)
Michael: Ouch! What the hell was that for?
WBC: I think that was your life. Oh! I have it.
Michael: What?
WBC: Let’s see here. (Opens up a big book) Ah ha! A servant
Michael: What?
WBC: Servant! You know performs duties, cleaning feet and toilets…the like.
Michael: But I don’t….
WBC: Yes my dear good sir I can see it now
Michael: I just….
WBC: I honestly believe that is the life you have been called to have.
Michael: I don’t think….
WBC: Well would you rather end up like him. (Points to the guy eating shoe)
Michael: Um okay I’ll take it. How much does it cost?
WBC: That will be $400.
Michael: $400 that’s outrageous!
WBC: Life’s a bitch and now you have one.
Michael: I can’t believe I’m going to have to be your servant
WBC: Yea well at least you got a good deal
Michael: A good deal what do you mean. I’m going to have to cook, clean, brush your teeth, bathe you. How did I get a good deal?
WBC: Well you could have always said no and then I would have gone on with what other lives you could choose from.
Michael: What other ones were there.
WBC: Just doctor, astronaut, Brittney Spears publicist.
Michael: Yea those just seem dull. You know, this is ridiculous I don’t need a new life I need to get back at my good for nothing wife.
WBC: Look this isn’t a reality T.V. show, you get a life, you pay, and that’s that.
Michael: She was my entire life and she took it. With that Joseph guy.
WBC: Her name was Stephanie right? And she meant everything to you right?
Michael: Yea, why, are you going to help me out?
WBC: No, just wondering.
Michael: She was my life and now I’m going to make it my life again.
WBC: Wait so you want her back.
Michael: No I want her to suffer like I have. I want her life.
WBC: Now now don’t be hasty. See I don’t work like that.
Michael: I don’t care I’ve had the tastes of cheetoh’s in my mouth for far too long.
WBC: (Pulls out a book) You see, right here page 7. “When you buy a life no one can take the life of another.” (When she opens the book lights fade up SL to show Stephanie and Joseph frozen sitting in Michael’s living room. Joseph looks as if he was serenading her with a guitar, Stephanie stares at him starry eyed.)
Michael: I could just buy the life “Back stabber” and do it anyway.
WBC: No, that would just make you an ass.
Michael: Well, I guess then I could be a life stealer then!
WBC: Wow, you don’t look that stupid . . .
Michael: (trying to think of a comeback.) Well looks can be deceiving!
Michael faces the audience thinking he has just shot her down and WBC puts her face in her hands.
Michael: (realizing it didn’t work) Damn.
WBC: Right . . . anyway I go directly by the book (indicates the Book of Life) everything in here is as is. Everything written I will go by and I will not change it.
Michael: Give me that! (they wrestle for the book WBC continues to express how she will not change anything in the book. Michael finally gets it from her.)
Michael: AHAH! (He turns away from her and flips through pages.) Umm what page did you say it was again?
WBC: Seven
Michael: Thanks. (Finds page seven and scratches out something and hands it back to her) There!
(WBC looks at it as if she has always wanted to do something like this. And she nods her head.)
WBC: If you really want to do this tell me now.
Michael: I really want to do this.
(They walk into the lighted area in SL, Stephanie and Joseph unfreeze)
WBC: (To Joseph) Okay backstabber we’re renegotiating the contract.
Joseph: But I already paid and everything!
WBC: Learn to read the fine print pal. (Kicks him out. Nods to Michael.)
Michael: Okay pookie bear say goodbye to your life.
Stephanie: (Faces the audience and puts hand to face very melodramatically) Good bye life!
(WBC claps twice. Lights flicker like a strobe and the Bum Bum Bum song cues, Michael and Stephanie walk backwards, Michael into the bedroom and Stephanie out the front door. WBC walks off SR and sits at her desk the lights are off and she claps twice. Stephanie walks in similar to a zombie and reaches to place her jacket on the coat rack but lets it fall to the floor, she walks to the couch and sits down and the Cheetos under the cusion crunch)
Stephanie: Honey I’m (trails off)
Michael walks in with Josephine (which is either Joseph dressed as a woman or another girl.)
Michael: Hey babe! I’m breaking up with you, yep. Yeah Josephine is great and all that good stuff, so have fun with your life (starts to exit SL) Oh wait, except not! (Exits. He reenters by himself as lights fade on SL and lights come up on SR to WBC sitting at her desk downing paper work.)
WBC: Enjoying your life?
Michael: Well Yea I am wouldn’t you be. Just look. (lights come up to Stephanie sniffing her shoe)
WBC: Looks like you got what you wanted.
Michael: Heck yes I did, now I’m off to my beauty salon.
BLACKOUT
Lights come up on Stephanie lying on the couch watching TV eating a bag of Cheetos.
After a moment.
T.V.: Do you wish you had a life.
Stephanie: Yea
END OF PLAY
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poopeepah reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked this short play more and more while i was reading it. at the beginning, i was taken aback because i didn’t really know what to expect. i thought it would be some sort of dramatic play about a pathetic man being left by his partner, but it turned out to be much more unique and quirky than that. the scene where michael discovers joseph and stephanie together is a little cliche, and i think it’s where the most work needs to be done. the whole husband-coming-home-early-from-work thing seems a little overdone to me. i think you could come up with something more creative and funnier. maybe you could even cut parts of that little scene because, after all, it’s not the most important part of the play. instead, i’d like to see the part of the life factory expanded. seeing the procrastinators was funny, maybe you can describe more lives.
there were some interesting themes displayed in the play. absurdist plays, i find, are usually the best way of manifesting certain truths. it’s funny that some people’s lives are characterized solely by their likes, like the WoW nerd, and that some people are meant to be, and choose to be, slaves. you read any neitszche? it kind of reminded me of his master-slave mentality. well, anywho. i don’t mean to ramble, but i think there’s some good stuff in here that could be explored. keep up the good work!
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Rylan reviewed Version 1 -
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Humorous and interesting. I enjoyed reading this, all though some of the characterization seemed weak in a few points. Also, what kind of play is this? Seems a little short, but would make a pretty good skit. I really like the idea, and I think that with a little bit of work, this could be a real seller. Just work on the flow and realism of the dialouge, and this will be a very attractive piece. All-in-all it was entertaining, and I want to thank you for posting!
—Rylan
Midwest_Writer reviewed Version 1 -
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What distracted me was the blocking notes; such SR, SL, OS, et certa. Which is fine for your own work, but I would recommend using words as if your are viewing the stage as an audience member. Rather using words from viewing the play on the stage. Just for the sake of putting your work on this site I would suggest spacing out the play text and the stage notes. Overall I enjoyed this piece and if the intention was to be creating a text to be performed for a short performance then you conquered that objective, if not I would just sit down with this and see where you need to sculpt the areas to made more texture and depth.
Harold_P reviewed Version 1 -
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There are punctuation problems of an astronomical proportion in this piece. However, I am sure you’re aware of that so I’ll move on.
Irrespective of these faults, the idea is quite funny, endearing and original and I think when acted out should be a lot of fun. You clearly write with people in mind and actors voices in your head which makes the dialogue flow with more naturalism. The concept is also endearingly strange and poignant.
I believe at the end that we actually long for this character to succeed and to get some sort of life. We’ve all been this person at one stage or another (Michael) in life, and we can all recognise mirror traits in his actions.
He is a fine creation and this play will set the boards alight. Good luck, and be sure to send me an invite to opening night.
Harold_P
Huntress080 reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok this seems so ordinary to me, I really do think that there needs to be more to this. You have characters talking about their days, whats for dinner, and whats on tv. Im guessing from that last line that maybe what you are trying to show is how dull normal life is but you need to show in a better way how miserable your characters are. But then again who knows maybe it would be better with actors showing the emotions with their voices and facial expressions than it does on paper.
retardedpigeon reviewed Version 1 -
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as you said this was rushed i though it was well put together, it has an extremely entertaining concept and i think that it has been adapted well for the stage. i liked the way it tied in at the end, implying a loop and also the relationships between the characters seemed believable. good work.
catherinespark reviewed Version 1 -
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Good beginning, punchy, economical dialogue. I liked how you plunged them into the worst possible situation straight away. Make ‘em suffer! Michael is an excellent device for comedy! My favourite scene was the dialogue between the TV and Michael, highlighting what a true loser he is. Loved the twist of the role swap, both for Stephanie and for Joseph becoming the woman (sort of). This may even make it onto my favourites…
Laura
BlueLucario reviewed Version 1 -
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Stephanie gets up and peaks out the door; Michael is looking the opposite direction.
Stephanie: (to man closing the door, whispering) Crap it’s my husband!
Joseph: (whispering) I thought you said he wasn’t supposed to be home until eight!
Stephanie: He must have got off early!
Joseph: What time is it?
Stephanie: Four!
Joseph: Ah!
Michael: Hey honey, are you resting?
Stephanie: Oh crap, stay here!
During their conversation Michael looks around looking for Stephanie and reaches up under the couch cusion and pulls out a bag of Cheetos sniffs them and eats one, hears something puts them back in the hiding spot and walks to the bedroom door
Stephanie covers herself with a bed sheet and opens the bedroom door just as Michael nears it.
Stephanie: (anxiously) Hi Michael. You’re home early.
Michael: Yeah well, today is Saturday and I forgot that it was my boss’ birthday and normally all the guys go out and eat for his birthday, and well you know how me and the guys get along. I mean my hair still hasn’t fixed right since the last swirly.
Stephanie: (sarcastically and almost exasperated) Oh you poor dear. Listen honey why don’t you go to the store and get some ice cream or something.
Michael: We have plenty of ice cream. You asked me to buy four tubs of it last week.
Stephanie: (trying to think of ways to get him out of the house) Oh yes I forgot, well will you go wash my car.
Michael: Umm I don’t think so it looks like it’s about to rain.
Stephanie: (Exasperated) Well can’t you think of anything to do!
Michael: Well I’d like to go into our bedroom and take a nap and eat some Cheetos. Is the bed-(a sound in the bedroom is heard)-What was that?
Stephanie: Oh it was just the cat.
Michael: We don’t have a cat you know I’m allergic.
Michael tries to look in but Stephanie blocks his view.
Stephanie: Hi honey you look tired why don’t you watch some TV and fall into a deep deep sleep where you can’t hear anything.
Michael: I’d rather sleep in my own bed Stephanie so if you’ll please move.
Stephanie: No dear I don’t think that would be good. (Another sound from the bedroom)
Michael: What are those noises?
THIS IS THE PART OF THE PIECE THAT ANNOYS ME. YOU NEED TO ADD EMOTION TO YOUR CHARACTERS. THEY SOUND LIKE ROBOTS. WHAT ARE THEY DOING WHEN THEY TALK. HOW ARE THE FEELING. WHAT ARE THEIR REACTIONS TO A SITUATION.
I SUGGEST YOU FIX THIS.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 1 -
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LOL
Ohmigosh I thought that was funny, honestly sweet I thought it was quite interesting despite the fact that it was abit predictable but this part here where you’ve got “(Michael is sitting on couch watching the TV and eating Cheetos looking horrible)
Television: Do you wish you had a Life?
Michael: (to TV) More than you know.
Television: Do you need a Life so bad that I don’t even know?
Michael: What? (A little more curious)
Television: Has your life gone down in the dumps?
Michael: Yeah (On the edge of the couch)
Television: Has your good for nothing wife left you for some starving artist
Michael: Yeah!
Television: So stop on by and get a Life
Michael: I think I will. (Gets up and leaves SR)”
Oh gosh that couldn’t be more cheesy hahaha that just cracked me up b\c it was like oh gosh how appropriate.
Its a good written piece that was the only thing for me that I didn’t like the rest of it was good and quite funny.
Keep writing, keep up the great work.
Amy
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