Poetry / Fine Friend

The poem has potential. But it seem repetitive when you said “Maybe” and “And” two times in the beginning of a line.

“Maybe Im completely out of line.  
Maybe I’m way off base”

I think the second line could of been “Somehow I’m way off base.”

(Also instead of “But to use my imagination is not a crime”) “But using my imagination is not a crime.”

The emotion is evident and the rhythm to the poem works nicely. The only thing that confused me was the ending. It seems like you’re describing a relationship that YOU don’t actually want to be platonic, but the subject thinks of you as a sibling. So maybe “thinking of you” isn’t exactly what you meant, though I can understand why you went with it. But a piece that’s easy to relate to.

i like the rhyme scheme of this a lot. and the thoughts and the ending.  its kinda light-heartedly written (or read) for a deeper, anxious subject.  good twist. good work.  keep it up.

i like the rhyme scheme and the feeling of freedom of thought throughout

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January 30, 2006

by wornoutwoman

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
71	78.6% (14 votes)	44.1%

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36			April 09

Thank you.  I think everyone can relate to those friends, that we wish could be more.

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the rhyming really takes away from the message of the poem, especially when you contort sentences to fit the rhyme. “that in our friendship burns a small flame…” it a good subject, and overall a good poem but i think it could be much stronger and much more seriouse if you removed the rhymes and use structure or pauses to organize it. happy writing!

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January 29, 2006

by wornoutwoman

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
71	78.6% (14 votes)	44.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36			April 09

Thank you for your feedback.  You’re right.  This was one of the few I felt comfortable posting, as it is very early work from my younger days.  I’m in my 30’s now and haven’t let go of the work I’ve done that is a little more advanced.  I appreciate you being constructive.  I welcome more reviews from you when you have the time.

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