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First and foremost, I want to thank Jesus for this award.
Now, I know that the fundamental point of difference between Judaism, Islam and Christianity is the belief that Jesus was God, part of the Holy Trinity. I know that by thanking Jesus I am alienating those other religions, but I insist I must thank Jesus.
After all, the New Testament claims you can only go to heaven via Jesus, and surely that means you must pray and give thanks via Jesus as well.
So thank you Jesus, because I’m a Christian and they’re not.
Once again I must thank Jesus for thinking I am so important that he (and his alter ego God) gave me these talents and extended his influence to make me win an award. After all, I know of all those he favors less, letting them die of hunger, genocide, poverty in general, whatever.
Obviously they are less important than me or don’t pray to Jesus.
Someone once said it had nothing to do with God, it was the fact that an agent thought he could make big bucks from me, but that is just cynicism.
No these people nurtured me because they have faith in me, much like I have faith in Jesus.
So once again, I thank Jesus that he has channeled wealth into my hands so I can buy that diamond ring, that 5 million dollar wedding party, all those wonderful things he wanted me to have. He knew that once I was famous I would occasionally take part in a charity concert for those that didn’t pray hard enough.
Oh yes indeed, thank you Jesus for letting me use your name to show everyone what a truly Christian and Godly person I am in front of all these people. The world will still think me wholesome despite singing about subjects the Bible would have me refrain from partaking.
Thank you Jesus, I thank you as a Christian and not as a hypocrite.
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The second to last paragraph is my favorite of the whole essay. My only suggestion would be to go back and read this out loud to yourself… listen really listen for natural pauses and new start cues… and also for parts that need to blend and flow together – then space this as such… it doesn’t have to follow the standard formatting of “similar sequence fits together to form neat paragraph.” The structure/timing/flow of this could make the difference between mildly amusing (which I found this to be) and brilliant.
This seems more sarcasm than satire. Are you saying that Christians are hypocrites? It is true, however, that we can view and custom fit our lives to adjust to our wants and desires – a nice hidden point you had in there….at least I hope it was there intentionally!
This is hi-freakin’-larious! XD Thanks for posting it. :)
I can see this as a skit in one of those sketch-comedy shows, or as a scene in a wonderfully satiric comedy.
For the sake of criticism…
“point of difference” could be shortened to just ‘difference’.
Also, partaking generally requires a preposition such as “of”.
Just trying to be helpful. This piece seems pretty polished already.
Thanks for the laugh!
Oh, you’ve been watching A LOT of award shows, haven’t you?
Yes, this does spotlight a very interesting point, and I think you do it well.
I think if you wanted to polish this and make it more of a satire of this whole type of speech, you might want to add satire of all the OTHER stuff these speeches have in them: thanking their personal trainer, their lawyer’s lawyer etc. You also might want to go into a bit more detail about the type of songs this winner does (and the videos, too) of which Jesus might not approve…..and find a clever way to have this weasel weasel out of it and make it sound as if s/he’s really do good etc.
Fun stuff…made me smile.
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