Haiku/Senryu / The Fledgling

Not sure in that you didn’t understand the significance of them or just didn’t like them in general?

My head was stuck with an image of a  bird. That was my doing, not yours. But after reviewing another comment I realized you were talking about a plane flight. So with that understanding, I think “captured” has to go because it reinforced my bird image. Maybe cancelled or grounded or delayed would be better. I’m also not a big fan of line two I think it’s because of the word “left” – it has has a double meaning. As in “when I left” or “what I have left”, I think the latter is probably the definition you were searching for.

Actually, it is the metaphor of a young bird, not a plane. A bird gets captured or caught in flight, like a teenager might get caught or captured sneaking out of the house. That’s the double meaning behind “captured”.

As far as the second line, I have the image of either a bird in a cage or a teenager being punished to stay in their room, leaving them only memories of their “flight”, now that they are both “grounded”

If that’s the case, then the problem becomes how to observe the poem – am I observing a person or a bird.

Thanks for the compliments. I put so many categories on so that if publishers actually came on here that I stood a chance to be seen. This is probably my proudest piece on Urbis so far, so I wanted to make sure it got out there. Sorry if it annoyed you…

Soaring enjoyment
Kind reviews have given me
Yield a head in clouds

Play Trowels and Jacks
Readers love meta-haiku
Still misunderstood

PRS? lol

Poetic challenge
Respond in meta-haiku
Sky is the limit

lol, now i’m just getting jacked with!

Shall we play a game
We will call it “Trowels and Jacks”
Most subtle goes first

Bedtime beckons, but maybe tomorrow…

Remember your dreams
Edit them into haiku
Manifest wisdom

well…

It’s about someone being grounded. The person in question was caught by their parents (mom and dad) and being grounded. metaphorically speaking, it’s a young bird getting it’s wings clipped, so that it can no longer fly. In other words, grounded.

With the whole Mom and Dad motif, I think “Grounded” might make a better title. Just a thought.

I’ll consider it, but with the double meaning of the word “fledgling”, it’s a perfect description of a teenager and a young bird who’s just getting its wings.

I’ll consider it, but with the double meaning of the word “fledgling”, it’s a perfect description of a teenager and a young bird who’s just getting its wings.

Captured on takeoff
Clean up this nest our offspring
So much like you were

:D

Is this in reference to my many rankings, or just your way of pleasantly commenting on the senryu?

What was that middle one? Pleasant new title you slapped on this bad boy. How many rankings is that? 14? Why? A true master haijin would post 17 goals; one for each syllable. I hear you are being groomed for my office. Good luck kid.

LOLOLOL not a chance. thanks for the kind words and review!

It won’t be long now, before you are presented your own fruit-based helmet, and the populace will be required to call you “poet”. Then you will remember; “Seventeen Goals” – Remember-member-ember-ber-er-r…  

Actually, as a”peeling” as the fruit helmet sounds, I made be shying away from the whole haiku/senryu genre… I’m just experimenting right now with all the different genres until I find my niche.

Just remember,
if it can’t be said in haiku,
it’s not worth saying.

Just remember,
if it can’t be said in haiku,
it’s not worth saying.

Thanks, mooki. appreciate the feedback

1.) I like “captured” because in keeping with the idea of a bird, they are caught or captured, sometimes in mid-flight. On a metaphorical sense, I meant it like being witnessed, like a security camera captures a criminal in the act of his crime.

2.) My original poem was lowercased, but people complained it would be too hard to see without me adding what to look for in the notes. I took the liberty change it, but if it ever got published, I think I would publish it in all lowercase.

Thanks for the thoughtful and kind words, ThomasAlan. Your perspective is something I always take into high consideration, as I have the utmost respect for your work. I honestly think I just got lucky for this one to have come together on so many different levels, and I doubt I could ever achieve the consistent quality I’ve come to expect from you on here. Thanks again!

I concur with your original thoughts: if the reader is watchful, s/he will see the acrostic; if not, ‘tis his/her loss.  If you amass enough of them, you could just publish them as acrostic haiku/senryu, so readers will know up front and you won’t have to belabor each poem with an intro/heads-up.

I certainly understand better your reason for “captured,” and I agree that it is worth it as a connector with the bird idea; it is still a bit obscure, but obscurity is not a bad thing so long as it does not hinder under understanding…..and I certainly believe that no one will NOT know what you’re saying.  

Cheers,

TA

ps It’s 4:45 PM EST now and I won’t be back until midnightish; my internet was out all day Monday, so I am still catching up!  

Publishing… aye, aye, aye! So far from my mind, but Thanks for the follow up, TA. I wondered where you had gone and I hope you get your internet issues taken care of. On a somewhat related note, I posted another poem that is vaguely remmiscent to the structure of this one, called “the Simple Story of Eve n’ Adam” It’s gotten mixed reviews so far, but I was curious what your input would be. Cheers!

After you stop puking up your soul from what I just sent your way, you may read my assessment; I promise to be gentle because you’ll need tender care for some time.

And yes, the gods of technology have deigned to reconnect me to the universe, or at least North America.

I’m not a big fan of creating poetry so vague that it leaves it open to massive deviations in interpretation. I feel like the poet should take the reigns on their piece, and therefore created the blatant parental barriers on either to straighten out any that strayed… :-P

I understand – my stuff tends to be pretty blatant on what I was going through or trying to say. All I meant was that without the explanation, it could pertain to unrequited love, or a breakup also – and very well apply there too. :)  I agree though with the other review, Caps on the DAD would really emphasize it – and enhance the piece since that is exactly the direction you were going with it. Liked it very much, by the way. :)

my rebuttal was that I left it uncapitalized was because I didn’t want people to notice it at first. People sometimes feel compelled to criticize word choice when they find out you have a foundation that you’re working on. I want it to be like the first time a little boy eats a fudgesicle; only being enlightened to how the ice cream stays on the stick after he’s enjoyed the chocolate.

Good insight – although I would not have noticed it, if it hadn’t been pointed out. :) Mmmm. . . gotta love those fudgesicles!