Short Story / CERTIFIED Mail/certifiable
He was treated life-like a vegetable , his whole life plan violated .
Saboteurs left nothing , not even himself . He spent the days ruined and humiliated watching T.V. With strange religious folk having no fear of God but themselves .
Asleep I’d spend 8hrs. in a concrete state . Careful so as my head wouldn’t fall off I’d wake up terrified trying to make sense in a strange white room . My childish behaviour left me here in cold adult life , past years wasted now abused . Trapped under a spell . Trying to speak whilst in the ring , journeying inside and outside .
Looking for escape , caught and held .
Laziness attracts bugs , crawling around in populations house for world domination .
Torturing myself insane . not be high with a case vertigo looking for a chance to look down . The danger of standing up .
In my birthday suit that only lasts a year . One word was too much by myself after taking my tablets , I was too drowsy . tempting narcosis . conquering psycho-somatic allergies . My life is too , too , it’s too I don’t know , life-like , like like life but you don’t like it , and that’s life . And I didn’t do it !
Are there people under my trousers ? A law enforced nakedness , to escape embarrassment and a lot of excuses !
So many successes , every day is success for someone in the world . Believes in their own realities and can have a chat about ol’ times over a pint .
The operator can call my Mum and find out if Her Royal Majesty needs milk or bread .
That in this Country , the people are what counts , not the destruction but the distraction
of another . The time for tommorrow will often be borrowed for now . How many must be
Taught when tommorrow is coming and what to do about . Leaving the learned soaked in alcohol because that would be scary .
But still they would call me by that name . He That Would Taketh Away . Call them when you reach tommorrow . I blame the church as to the reason that I , like many people , am flat broke . As the last penny of guilt is enticed from the president’s aging hand they shall say He That Taketh Away cannot Taketh Away Anymors , and will not Giveth Back .
Scribbling away beside Psycho in the wind and rain , living on the streets of Dublin City . What the hell else have I got to do ?
They have institutionalised a big mistake , whilst spending the years looking for the truth . At least disabled people get their very own toilets nearly every where they go , but they’re not allowed tell jokes , I won’t tell them any or I’d be an insult or hear a ghost story .
Thou shalt not let them assault thee , but with distance reasoning and stay away . There is no need to measure this story in anything but words . I only tried to send this in to have home . If it’s your home the they will live in it in fear .
In 1995 as some sort of breakthrough in medicine all psychiatric patientswould absolutely believe anything at all , told or not Drugged and broken billionaires living homeless for some reason appeared a possibility in the space/time continuom . And I am your doctor…...
It is illegal to be under a certain age , is why many people lie about.
They don’t know anything ; they don’t try to do anything . hereditary madness that skips
to my generation . My generation is slightly mad .
Don’t mix with wolves wearing sheeps badges . Only an evil witch does not care if the man is bl;ind or not . For me not thinking about these things makes no differences in the
world of goings on than on my own worries . that I am a King without a Queen , leaves
me bare to harshness of the missing link . such a lonely world revolves around my head
day & night . In a recent survey they found people were more harmed than buildings and property . Crime together , we’ll crack it .
An alien force outside my window has threatened to obliterate the planet earth if no one gets the joke !
Thank Christ this kind of thing never happens !!!!!
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At the beginning of the piece, your fragments are short and choppy. This style weakens as the fragments, interspersed with grammatical sentences, lengthen. Your style works against the reader understanding much of what you try to say in this piece. This may be what you want: to be obscure, profound and foggy at the same time, jumbled and insane.
I would put this text somewhere between prose and poetry, but I would not call it a short story. Why not reformat it as a poem and see how it does?
Usually I comment thoroughly on grammar, punctuation and word choice; but it is so obvious that you have thrown all of the conventions to the wind that it’s pointless to comment on them.
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Maybe this was your intention, but this was in the short story category, and this is not a short story in my world. I also think you must be very, very sane because the writing comes off as an extremely rational person trying to sound”certificable”(cute pun btw), but instead sounding forced and artificial, by drawing in predictable and nonsensical descriptions: ”strange white room” “Laziness attracts bugs.” Where are your story’s actions? The exposition(beginning) could use an overhaul. I think the piece is salvageable, but you need to plan and organize it more.
i can see this working, actually, as a collection of random thoughts. the word selection is quite good. there is a sense of accepted frustration, as the speaker seems to realize that he doesn’t quite make sense.
”..not the destruction but the distraction..” – great line. not sure it fits in the short story category, though.
it is well possible that you are trying some kind of written experiment here, but the editorial mistakes make it hard to believe – for example
...all psychiatric patientswould absolutely…
and in this lies my first and probably most significant suggestion. It is incredibly important to revise work – to read over (reading out loud is a good way of slowing the mind down, so it is more likely to pick up mistakes) and refine lines that they convey their intention.
Often i found your new lines confusing – almost like you are trying to write a poetic feel into the piece – this is fine, but consistency is imperative.
I also found the start confusing – the first sentence is hard to make sense of, and after the first few lines, it goes from third person (he) to first person (I). Is there reason behind this? As i say, it is well possible there is, and that i missed it.
Finally, i am unsure as to why you leave a space before and after punctuation marks.
having said all this, there is a sense of continuity throughout the writing – i find it difficult to put my finger on it, but with editing you may well make it more apparent.
peace
Will
I don’t really know what to say. I’m lost in this piece. It ddoesn’t really give the reader any idea of whats going on except for the fact the protaganist is in some state of psychosis. I believe you need to paint a better picture here and give some background into whats going on rather than just this strange monologue,That probally would make perfect sense if we knew exactly what this story was about. Since the reader doesn’t it loses them.
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