Glad de peace wiz 2 yer fatty sanction. Come ent en-knee time.
Humor/Satire / “THE DO-DOS OF WRITING”
1. Never kick a reader.
4. It is a good stylistic device to abandon all rules of punctuation and to insert random quotes into dialogue that have no relevance to the actual story.
5. Variety is the spice of life. So when you feel like it, trust your instincts. Put a capital letter on random nouns.
6. You only need the first and last letters of a word to be in the right place.
1. Always begin a story with a detailed description of the protagonist’s nipples.
2. It is crucial to repeat phrases more than three times in each paragraph for emphasis.
7. For the best results, write in boxing gloves or with a plastic bag over your head.
8. So that your readers don’t get bogged down, do a line break every half-word or so.
9. Readers love attention-to-detail on the most mundane things. So if someone leaves a room, describe each and every movement the character makes, from the speed of his steps to the snap-back velocity of the door handle (to the nearest millisecond).
10. Humans are very visual creatures. Use emoticons regularly to convey your characters’ emotions.
11. To break the tedium in large blocks of prose, insert pictures of your family on holiday so the reader can get to know YOU, the author.
13. Always begin each chapter with a five-page synopsis of what happened in the previous chapter so the slower reader can catch up.
235. If you are feeling tired, it is alright to start a new story in the middle of another, since the reader will appreciate your new ideas and fertile imagination.
50. Make sure your reader never knows what is going on. This is good for preventing heart disease.
19. Always write when you are at your angriest, most resentful and prejudiced.
28. Write at least nineteen hours a day. This is the only way to discipline yourself. Don’t take breaks; you will lose momentum.
6.5. When introducing a new character, compare them to a famous film star so they get some idea of what he/she looks like. E.g. “He looked like Rutger Hauer.”
78.421. Don’t overestimate your readers. Use plenty of simple language and ask them questions throughout the text to make sure they’re awake and happy. E.g. “Did you follow that bit? Are you feeling all right? Are your eyes getting strained? Having fun?”
12.5. If you are well-read and educated, it is crucial to make five or six references to books you have read every sentence, and then draw parallels between your work and theirs; perhaps underlining the unifying themes with a brief dissertation at the front/back.
17. Use a different colour and font type for each letter.
34. If your book goes into print, charge over £25 or £30 at the minimum, since the reader appreciates paying a large price for a true work of genius.
20. Sex, sex, sex! At least one full orgasm every page.
19.7. When you run out of ideas, it is all right to plagiarise sentences from other writers.
1999. After the completion of a successful sentence, celebrate your triumph by drinking a whole bottle of whisky.
3.14159265. Never put more than one clause in any given sentence. This will only confuse your readers.
11.11. People enjoy being told they are loved. Remind your readers you love them at regular intervals throughout the book.
108. To help the story flow with ease, pour some lubricant over the keyboard every fourth or fifth sentence.
1000. People will get so caught up in your story you will need to help them resurface to reality. To do this, insert instructions every now and then, such as: “Go for a bit of a walk now. Make yourself a peanut butter sandwich. Get some sleep now.”
1987. To gather the most inspiration and originality possible, it pays to write in unusual places. Many writers find scribbling on restaurant walls or expensive Persian rugs to be the most effective method.
99. There are too many words in the English language to convey “he said” so sticking to this every time someone speaks is the best option.
12. Don’t take suggestions from anyone; they are trying to sabotage your work.
19. Always have someone massaging your back when writing or offering to help with story every two or three minutes, such as a loved one or home help.
188.98. When the writer struggles to recall something, he or she can just write: “Oh, you know what I mean!”
7. When you get frustrated with the pace of your story, incorporate swear words into the writing; this not only relieves your frustration, it adds an interesting element of realism to the story.
908. When depicting urban realism with an ironic detachment, it is crucial the writer looks down upon the characters are inferior and makes them unsympathetic and violent class clichés. This is a humorous, post-modernist take on realism.
666. If you are eating and writing at the same time, don’t be selfish. Share nicely. Insert a sandwich between the pages for your reader to enjoy as they devour your story or attach a free ketchup sachet to the front cover.
708. To test whether your sentences sound alright when read aloud, read snippets from your work to strangers on buses, trains or in crowded restaurants and ask then for a 2,000 word critique.
007. Shoot anyone who accuses you of writing badly.
12.09. Women don’t read, so direct all of your fiction towards men.
1567. At the end of a novel, always sign off with: “God, that took me ages! Bye now, hope you enjoyed it!”
679. With regional accents, it is OK to attempt dialects without hearing them first, or taking examples from popular TV shows.
1.1.1.1.1 Practice your writing skills by editing classics such as the Brontë sisters and Dostoyevsky, or translating the texts from Russian to English.
12. Solitude is crucial for a writer. It is wise to isolate yourself on a remote part of Easter Island for seven years to produce a decent haiku.
190. Smile (when writing)!
-8. Some letters of the alphabet are useless. Get rid of ‘G,’ ‘H,’ and ‘S’ before the story begins.
9. Always write in couplets.
17. You need caffeine to complete a book. Nobody has ever before completed a full-length novel without lots of coffee (except oddballs like Plato and Harold_P).
190. Famous writers love being approached for advice. Send them your manuscript and they will happily read it and give you thorough and detailed notes free of charge.
60. Always use Wingdings when sending off to publishers.
167. It is best to marry a successful writer or the owner of a publishing house so there is chance of being published.
908. When at the house of a fellow writer, set fire to as much work as possible before leaving.
988. “When redrafting, the fourth sentence should be changed a minimum of eight times, whereas the eleventh sentence should be changed only nine times… The fourth paragraph should be left as it stands, although the twentieth paragraph should have its third and fifth words replaced with superior synonyms… The ninetieth paragraph should be deleted, although it can remain if the writer mentions celery.” The Writer’s Guide To Writing, p36-87
23. If in doubt, scrap the whole thing. Apply also when editing someone else’s work.
56. Never kick a reader, unless they think your work is crap. Then lay into them like nobody’s business…
2. If you see a funny looking person, put them into your story. The rest of the world would love to laugh at them as well!
179. When someone dies in a story, always quote Stephen King.
7699. Shakespeare is a (quite) good writer.
Famous Writing Proverbs
“When a writer is born a publisher sits on the windowsill of the relevant maternity ward and sings.”
“A writer is blue but a reader is black.”
“True writers only eat rich tea biscuits”
“Verbs beget verbs. Nouns beget nouns. Adjectives are irritating.”
“Never look up a writer’s left nostril. That’s plagiarism.”
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Brynn reviewed Version 2 -
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LOL well done! This one had me laughing numerous times. I LOVED the one about adding Random capitals On nouns. Overall cute, witty and funny. The first few lines were difinately the best, but I found as I read it slightly trickled off into more mundane things. I think the last idea should be the best, a whopper to tie the whole piece together. Other than that, excellent. Loved it!
Eve
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EAnonymous reviewed Version 2 -
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ROFLMFAO! :D Not surprisingly, #666 was my fave. ;) Seriously though, dis crackt me da f*$& up! #7699 – I don’t think you should end with that – it’s not as funny. Neither are the proverbs. Otherwise, kickasstastical! :) Other faves: 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 8… let’s just say I loved the vast majority of them. Thanks for posting it! :)
VeeLee reviewed Version 2 -
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Oh this is very, very amusing. And of course I, as so many readers before me, see a lot of myself inside of it. #12 and #908 in particular made me laugh so loud I think I woke the children. (I blame you!)
I would agree though, that this list could be edited. Removing the weakest bits would make the rest of it stand that much stronger. #708 and -8 are two that need to be voted off. In my humble, humble opinion. I doff my hat in respect to your comic talents.
jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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Heeey, you have two number 1! Which one should I read first? :)
#1000 is like the one from Baldur’s Gate game: “While the player’s characters don’t need food, the player does. We don’t want to lose any dedicated players”.
#56 is just extension of #1
The proverbs are not so funny.
The rest (practically the whole piece) is hilarious!
Well written and definitely made my day.
Thoroughly enjoyed!
adamsk13 reviewed Version 2 -
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hahaha! very funny!
it really is telling in terms how the writing world works and how writers think. i particularly like the last proverb that said not to look up a writer’s nose; thats plagerism. very witty and cute. (did you come up with all of these things your self, or was this a collection of ideas from several people?) at any rate, very cute. nicely done.
keep writing!
purseonwheels reviewed Version 2 -
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This definitely gave me a bit of a giggle – but the items in your list that you included were so random, I’m not sure why. It seemed like a piece meant more as an exercise in not taking the writing process so seriously and if that was, in fact, your intent – you’ve succeeded. It was light, ridiculous, funny, completely random and I overall enjoyed it. Would be curious to see something more grounded from you in the future, however.
Cestlavive reviewed Version 2 -
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That is freaking hilarious from now on im going to put emotes in all my work, Unlike me you have great talent writing humor, its fresh, witty, and very very amusing. I do some of the things you mention like capitalize random nouns :P, i can’t help it i get bored and my writing becomes sloppy. Unlike yours which is very neat and well written. I hope you continue on and do another list, I would enjoy reading it!
Taemaeri reviewed Version 2 -
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I absolutely loved this piece. It was very funny and even though some of them were obvious do-dos I learned some things.
1. Never kick a reader.<-—- I should kick a reader.
9. Readers love attention-to-detail on the most mundane things. So if someone leaves a room, describe each and every movement the character makes, from the speed of his steps to the snap-back velocity of the door handle (to the nearest millisecond). (I am a new writer and I have always been told to describe everything so the reader sees what the character sees. I always thought this was a bit mundane. Hell if it’s boring to write it’s probably boring to read too).
1999. After the completion of a successful sentence, celebrate your triumph by drinking a whole bottle of whisky. (didn’t know this was wrong. What should I drink?).
99. There are too many words in the English language to convey “he said” so sticking to this every time someone speaks is the best option. (seriously, this is my biggest problem)
12. Don’t take suggestions from anyone; they are trying to sabotage your work. (at what point do you stop taking suggestions and let something stand as it is?)
Thanks for the tips as an emerging author tips like this are good.
Sidea reviewed Version 2 -
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“988. “When redrafting, the fourth sentence should be changed a minimum of eight times, whereas the eleventh sentence should be changed only nine times… The fourth paragraph should be left as it stands, although the twentieth paragraph should have its third and fifth words replaced with superior synonyms… The ninetieth paragraph should be deleted, although it can remain if the writer mentions celery.” The Writer’s Guide To Writing, p36-87”
This is the most awesome thing I’ve read today…please tell me this is going to be published somewhere.
BlueLucario reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
1. Always begin a story with a detailed description of the protagonist’s nipples.
DUDE THAT IS SO HORRIBLY WRONG.
Sex, sex, sex! At least one full orgasm every page.
SICKO.
190. Smile (when writing)!
666. If you are eating and writing at the same time, don’t be selfish. Share nicely. Insert a sandwich between the pages for your reader to enjoy as they devour your story or attach a free ketchup sachet to the front cover.
708. To test whether your sentences sound alright when read aloud, read snippets from your work to strangers on buses, trains or in crowded restaurants and ask then for a 2,000 word critique.
THOSE ARE MY FAVORITES.
When someone dies in a story, always quote Stephen King.
LMAO.
PERFECT TEN. HEY, CAN I PRINT THIS OUT AND SHOW IT TO SOME FRIENDS THIS IS FUNNY?
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