Poetry / Insomnia

I really like your work here. I get it.
Yet, after reading this, I wonder about how you can tell me about your “misery”, and what’s keeping you up. I get the what, but I don’t understand the why. Please use your gift to tell us more.
Tom

It is very good for something just written from spure of the moment like that.  And I love the metaphors, the dog caught in the fence, and your thought going through you head like channels flipping.  Wonderful.  
I was a little confused about the part about “I do all the stupid things
That don’t address this…” but it did clear up as a read more, I think it jumped from one thing to another, very quickly.  

Your poem seems a bit choppy. I think it would be better if you had more/better transitional phrases from stanza to stanze. If thats what you wanted to achieve than you did a good job. However, I think it would be much easier on the reader if the poem flowed through their mind as they read it. You would also do well to use more descriptive adjectives.. instead of “I do all the stupid things..” Maybe change stupid to something more descriptive like useless, or unnecessary, detrimental, foolish.. Use a thesaurus in your writing it will greatly help in finding words to replace non-descriptive adjectives or nouns.

But, on the bight side! I think the theme of the poem is great! Reading this reminded me of the sleepless nights I’ve had. You do have some great lines: “The pulse in my head continues/Thought follows thought, overlapping…” Focus on your strong points and develop them!

This is a good start for a poem, but I would cut down on some of the abstractions and streamline this a bit.  For instance, in L1 S2, instead of

  The pulse in my head continues….........I would change to

  Pulses in my head continue….just to name one

Anyways, this has a good write in there.

Good luck to you.

I like the the short abrubtness of the poem, maybe even a little to direct but then again, in the throws of insomnia it is kind of hard to muster up indepth thinking. Which I think adds to the authenticity of the poem. I myself have had insomnia, and used writting as an outlet. I believe have a poem called insomnia as well, written to help pass the discomfort of sleepless time. It’s very interesting to read something on the same topic and see the different wirting styles and interpretation of the topic. I really enjoyed this and hope to read more of your work. thank you for sharing.

Melissa

You just HAD to post this on a night where I can’t sleep didn’t you? _ I liked this poem. The feeling of lying there completely unable to sleep is a really uneasy feeling and you portrayed it well here.

As someone that deals with insomnia, I really enjoyed this poem.  I do feel though, that you might be able to do an extra stanza, where you could describe perhaps the lonliness or isolated feeling that is accompanied by being awake when you’re not supposed to be.  I loved the last three lines the best.

When reading the title to this one I felt sympathtic to it, no matter what. “Wired like a dog hooked on an electric fence I sit awake, again Trying to find the way to sleep Like so many nights before.” was a excelent way of begaining it, it really brought me into reading the rest.

Good job! I could feel the mood throughout the poem. You carried it out well. I like the somewhat anger like tone it holds and the words you have chosen help it read very well. I enjoyed the poem! Good drop and best of luck1

I had to rate low on the Amuse/Entertain/Warm a few hearts score because this poem does none of these things with the possible exception of the second…it is far deeper and centred than such a criterion gives it credit for.

Whether it’s insomnia or depression, anyone that has lain awake at night for reasons other than caffeine overdose will be able to identify with your words.  I’d like some punctuation but that’s purely personal and something of a disputed point hereabouts so who am I to say?

Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this.