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Poetry / From Behind the Window (Analysis)
From behind the window the breeze
Is seen, but not felt.
Golden leaves fall freely from
Bent but unbroken limbs dancing
And shuttering from a cool October’s touch.
Today, it will not rain—leaves
Will fall, mothers will walk
With children in strollers,
And it will not rain.
But, from behind the window
Rain does not matter,
Breeze does not matter,
Nor do leaves or mothers.
How could they?
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redbird reviewed Version 3 -
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WOW i liked this one you said think of a painting
what i saw in my minds eye was a an empty white house. outside the fall harvest
but this beautiful white house has secrets lonely secrets wanting secrets
there is person behind those windows but the windows are shaded black or grey
there is no way to see out of this sad house or even feel anything outside this house. what a jail.
nice writing
robin
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eminemslove85 reviewed Version 3 -
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i read your work and i thought it was very good. i liked your poem alot and you did a very good job at explaining what u were writing. i didnt see anything wrong with it or anything. I think u did nicely with describing a picture—like a painting. GREAT GREAT GREAT WORK!
hope u do well in the furture!
JesusFreak reviewed Version 3 -
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well the poem is done well
the imagery each line offers provides a piece to a much bigger painting which is really neat and you have feeling put into it
HenryPG reviewed Version 3 -
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Good flow and vision… I found the words were enough to translate the authors thoughts without over stating where, when, whom and what. Very Nice.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 3 -
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Had you added clarity as a rating it would have been a 10. Much better version with the punctuation.
Cleaner and more intelligible read. Cycism revealed aside, I like this a lot.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, what a mood swing you created. I was on the bus with you through L9 and then I wanted off. I was anticipating something just as beautiful in the second half and what I got was pretty depressing.
Powerful, and perhaps that will be enough, but it left me unhappy that the mood of the first half wasn’t carried through the entire piece.
I don’t know about this one my friend. Absolutely well done and perhaps you created exactly what you set out too. I just wish I hadn’t read it. Hope that makes sense. :>)
horse reviewed Version 3 -
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My first suggestion is to resist the temptation to attach so many goals to a piece. Pick 1 or 2 that mean something to you and move on – some reviewers will skip a piece rather than click on a line of redundant goals.
I like the emotion of the piece – or rather, the detachment. Rain and travel make me feel that way. The separation of the ghost-like rainy world that is on the outside of the window…or the cold motion of the landscape outside of a moving car or plane. The last few lines brought these feelings home for me and I “got it”.
A couple of suggestions:
Consider losing the capitalization at the start of every line and just capitalize the first word of new thoughts.
Lines 3/4/5 are crucial to the piece but feel a bit awkward. Consider removing “but” from the 4th line and looking for other ways to improve the flow. Read the lines aloud several times and see what you come up with.
Overall, cool piece. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Rikivan reviewed Version 3 -
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In my mind, if this was a painting it would be a charcoal sketch. The image is there but colorless. However on the flip side, from behind a window there is a lack of feeling, so I suppose in this regard the poem is effective.
alwyzripped reviewed Version 3 -
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how about shivering instead of shuttering?
crazyblonde reviewed Version 3 -
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it reminds me off the far off days of love and remmebrance it definately has potential and just simply needs to be shaped up around the edges
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