Thank you very much for your review. Your grammatical review is exactly what I needed. I’m glad that you enjoyed it, I really am!
Humor/Satire / Fried Chicken Hacked My Firewall
This is a short story about breaking up, self discovery, and relearning love. It uses computer and technology metaphors not only for humor, but because they are surprisingly succinct. To read the story with hypertext glossary [Click Here].
First Partition
When my girlfriend of 6 years and I broke up I at first blamed it on the trojan horse she had downloaded. However, I too had downloaded him years before and given him root access to my CPU, I mean he was a great guy. See our computer was starting to get outdated and was in dire need of an upgrade, and sometimes it’s easier to just buy a new one altogether than go to the trouble of a lengthy installation process. After all somethings simply are not backwards compatible. We tried going open source, but we couldn’t handle having other developers touch our source code. So after a long time of being daisy chained, I was now my own administrator.
I would power down for days, but upon reboot found myself fragmented and infected. In hopes of a cure or at least a distraction I gave out my static IP address to strangers around my network. Phishing for something to improve system performance. Gains were sometimes seen, but no matter how much RAM was added or how much they overclocked the heck out of my motherboard, integrity was always an issue. Daring the network to give me a virus, I would download and install programs recklessly without a shell. Emails, once a pleasure of mine, were replaced with brief instant messages. I started hot-swapping multiple times during a single session. I was the leech who would never seed.
I interfaced with newer, younger machines only to find that while our hardware was more than compatible (let me tell you) we had tremendous software issues. These slick, newer models seemed to have so much larger hard drives than I did, but their vast terabytes of disk space were completely empty; save for their fledgling operating systems which were barely out of beta. I was fragmenting myself into pieces, lending out my hardware at the expense of instability and system crashes. And in the end, left with nothing, but virtual memories.
Second Partition
Then I met her through a friend, and after a few drinks she hopped onto my LAN and we render farmed each others source material until we reached state-of-the-art image quality. This older model was intriguing, her gallium arsenide-based circuits were both unique and dangerously powerful, as if touched by Seymour Cray himself. As time progressed I began re-prioritizing my queue and optimizing my algorithms around her integrated circuits.
However, I would not give out my software licenses. I was afraid of over extending myself and having them revoked. and so it seemed like we were communicating over an Asymmetric Digital Subscriber Line. I was able to download freely from her at breakneck speeds, but my uploads were dial-up caliber at best. I had a firewall around my heart.
Our mismatched throughput lasted until we celebrated Columbus Day. She asked me to come over and when I did I found an oven full of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and gravy. There was some ingredient. Some kind of flavor. I felt we were building a new nostalgia with every bite. With it I was able to taste the savory feeling of an overdo surrender. I put down my fork, took a deep breath and felt her without touching. I had rediscovered WiFi.
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doctorjonnyfever reviewed Version 3 -
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jebozid reviewed Version 2 -
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it’s easier to just buy – I think you should lose “just”
somethings – some things
first you say “our hardware was more than compatible” and then later “newer models seemed to have so much larger hard drives than I did” and with harddrives being hardware this all sound akward.
If I got it right hardware issues relate to sex and software mismatching to having no common ground to talk with these newer models, so think a bit about this part.
“render farmed” – tried to see what that means on your website, but got the “Not Found” error, itonic, don’t you think? :), aah, then I got it when I scrolled down on the mainpage, you better fix that
“I had a firewall around my heart.” – word “heart” kinda ruins the tech mood here, maybe put “core”, “CPU”, or something, some of these could be missread as “the brain” instead of “the heart” so be careful there.
Sweet ending :)
Overall, nicely written, not for a wide audience I guess, but I enjoyed it.
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Razzer123 reviewed Version 2 -
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scottsta reviewed Version 2 -
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this has got to be the goofiest thing I have have read on Urbis. I liked it. It’s got to much high tech and not enough action but I still thought it was funny. i even understood some of it. kidding. i got it….
good job.
Sharon reviewed Version 2 -
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”...given him root access to my CPU, I mean he was a great guy.” I don’t know that the comma is altogether appropriate here. I’m not sure what this sentence even means. I reread it and still don’t get it.
“After all somethings…” That’s some things, not somethings.
“daisy-chained”. Needs a hyphen.
“Phishing for something to improve system performance.” I don’t think this sentence works. Perhaps you could write, ”...around my network; phishing for something…”
“And in the end, left with nothing, but virtual memories.” Too many breaks in this sentence in my opinion. Maybe, “And in the end I was left with nothing but virtual memories.”
“This older model was intriguing, her gallium…” There should be a period after ‘intriguing’ with a new sentence starting with ‘Her gallium’.
”...them revoked. and so it seemed like we were…” You didn’t capitalize the next sentence. And, I think you should cut out the ‘and so’ and just start with “It seemed like…”
“Our mismatched throughput lasted…” What the heck is a throughput? OK. I looked it up. It makes sense, but I would guess only 20% of your readers would know what that is. Maybe I’m just under-educated. Who knows?
Now that I’m done picking it to death. You did ask to be as critical as possible and pick out grammar flaws. I’m not an English teacher, nor do I claim to be more grammar savvy than the average Joann, but the above notes, I believe, help move the story smoother.
That being said… I love what you wrote. It was comical and cute. I love the computer references when talking about a budding relationship. You should write for Pixar or something.
I enjoyed it and I look forward to seeing the sequel when they give birth the the ipod.
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