Poetry / Condemnatory: Your Kingdom of Crow

Read the readers notes.. and fuck rap, it sucks ass.. like they would ever rap about somthing so meaningful

I did read the reader’s notes, and that was the first sentence. The second – you didn’t mention punctuation – and what I was saying was the meaning gets through, but your commas put in weird spacing in my thought process – such that it messed up the flow of thoughts. Why don’t you just take them out?

I’m sorry that it sounds like I ignored the notes. I see now on reread that the fact that the message was good did not come through.

Yes – the last two paragraphs were to convey that your poem is good, your commas threw me off. This has good rhythm and flows with a driving beat. :) And every now and then – even though I don’t truly like it – there are a few good meaningful rap songs. What about a hard metal piece? Metallica or Rage style? LOL Work better?

yes thank you

omg that was obviously the point. the whole story was about someone who was insane walkin around callin other people insane. its strongly implied through the whole entire poem. maybe you should give it another read…

Ok… now I’ve read it 4 times
and without your input, it is almost
impossible to tell that this is about
an insane person who calls others insane.
I read another review comment you wrote
to someone else where you said you wrote
this about a wealthy man who refused
to shake hands with you, you figured, because
your clothes weren’t good enough!
So, was this rich man insane?
What really stood out for me
was that you berate the ‘audience’
for labeling people insane
and then 2 stanzas further on,
you do the same thing: call someone insane.
I’m still not clear as to what you were trying
to impart to the reader, or to the ‘person’
to whom you are writing.
Maybe I don’t care for this and ‘didn’t get it’
in much the same way that I don’t respond
to surrealist paintings.
;-)P
Doesn’t mean it isn’t good, or that
it doesn’t have potential.
Obviously, from other readers who understood
or resonated with it, there are those who
enjoyed this and that should be good enough.
I do still look forward to reading other
things of yours.

“your judging eyes label the insane”, in the first stanza “Once pointed fingers but now hes insane” second stanza. My whole point is somthing like that old guy being so judgemental is considered so normal but in all reality it is insanity. and when the tables turn he will be the one whos desicrated and instigated against. for in the end we will all face judgment and I belive that our judgement will only be as descrete as our judgment towards other poeple. Think about it, in the end their will always be a point where we are in the same hell as we put other people in. so in the first stanza, its as if the mans mind is speaking to himself, in the second stanza is me speaking to him aloud, the third stanza is MY mind speaking to him, and the fourth is what Im saying to him aloud after hes faced his judgment/pain… Give it one more read for the sake of poetry, with your new knolledge Im sure you’ll understand… but this wasnt meant oto only apply to my situation but to the situation of the entire world… this kind of thing is so common.

Ok… ok…Now I’ve read your piece 7 times;
which is more than I’ve ever re-read
anything on Urbis – even works I’ve liked outright.
;-)
What I can suggest at this point is this (and only
due to the final suggestion for reading which you gave)
Before each stanza put this:

Stanza 1 – Judgmental Man’s Mind Speaks to Himself:
Stanza 2 – The Judged Man, aloud to Judgemental Man:
Stanza 3 – The Judged Man’s Mind Speaks to Judgmental Man
Stanza 4 – Judged Man, aloud, after Judgmental Man’s Trial:

I think this would remove any doubt in the reader’s mind
as to who is talking to whom.
It is a lot to expect that without any warning
one can change from one speaker directing
toward another speaker in the poem and change again
to talking to himself, to knowing you are again speaking aloud,
or in your head, and all the changes of p.o.v.
and vice versa, etc., ad nauseum…
I hope you find this suggestion powerfully and
explosively helpful! ;-P

should i do that in the readers notes or just do it as part of the poem? I dont think ive ever seen that done in a poem.. Id have to say that this is prob the first case of constructive critisism Ive had on urbis. Youve got my attention!

A guy I met once. He refused to shake my hand or tell me his name because my clothes apperently werent good enough for him. It can be to anyone though, that was the point. thanks for the reveiw

what do you mean?

Goddamn name one poem that doesnt use metaphores. Fuck this shit the only reason you guys give reviews like this is because Im better than you. I am so fuckin done with this site.

ok its called a rhyme scheme. And I specificly asked you not to reveiw based on spelling. I should refund you but Im going to let it go. And your wrong spelling and grammer arent really ever correct in poems… thats what makes them poems, they are incomplete sentences with incomplete thoughts and sometimes even incomplete words. Try reading published poetry, almost every poem has every single one of those. Specificly the greats, edgar allen poe, emily dickinson, and h.p. lovecraft. But I do find it kind of funny that out 13 reviews only 1 found that the rhyme was forced.. Any old ape can go around reading but poetry is all about hidden meaning wether the words rhyme or not.. The meaning was as clear as it needed to be… this poem was so obviously about someone who see’s wrongs in everyone but himself, but in the end he is the one who was wrong… and obviously the line you chose meant his sympathy didnt come until after he found out the truth. try reading the poems you rate it can help.

-.- you’re more arrogant than i am, and i don’t say that often…

if someone doesn’t pick up every bit of the work right away, that speaks out to its clarity. i said a few rhymes were forced, not all. and if you couldn’t tell, i knew you stated not to judge your piece on grammar and spelling, but incomplete words have apostrophes, and aren’t used by replacing their with there(not quoting on that), and phrases are different but on that matter, yes they are an exception.

In support of yang: prose is more about meaning, poetry how it appears aesthetically (or at least that’s the way it used to be).
In that sense, you should really focus more on presentation – improving your rhyming, for example – it’s obvious your skills for hidden meaning are developed enough for the poetry you want to write.

ok you mean poems like aniibele lee, and city by the sea. Im not arrogant. poems are about rhyming flow and meaning. the werent forced, they just happend. so stop waisting my time. You guys are obviously wrong if you cant provide one example that cant be contirdicted.

poems are about flow and meaning, quite a lot of them rhyme, but not all of them do. patern is nice don’t get me wrong, and why are we arguing? i only stated one rhyme, everything else sounded good.

add on: you stated that the man realised he was wrong but only at the end, from reading it i only thought he just became more and more insaine. and the line about sympathy being too late just seemed more like no turning back now, not so much the character seeing what he’s become. hope that helps, it is more important than one line having a forced rhyme.

He was obviously wrong, if he was insane… but he was much to late