I’m afraid I don’t understand. I think I’d like to. I think there’s a condensed story here. I think [my] inclusiveness is irrelevant to your reading and I’m interested in to how you as a reader are affected or drawn into (or not) these experiences. I don’t know whether you’d think this better as a first person (I) second (You) or third person (He/She) perspective, but I find your post largely insubstantial as per any actual feedback. For me this has always been a love story of sorts, for others perhaps something else. I’m sorry you found it difficult to relate to and therefor boring. Thanks for trying.
Poetry / Road Trip
State of Depression
It’s true. We’re here because we also fell.
First into love, then down into despair
Where razor sharp rocks stripped our fingers bare.
On blood soaked walls we slid down into hell;
Our pain could not be confined to a cell.
Few dare to travel so far beneath care,
Afraid of breaking, stumbling from up there
To the end of the rope hung in this well.
There are two choices left for we this deep:
One to wait here and hope, the other, sleep.
The ropes are tattered, frayed threads, wet from tears
They SNAP! Another too burdened by fears…
...
..
.
Why do we hold on, we remaining few?
Because it’s all we have to hold on to.
Interstate
It’s an arm’s length from depression to grace.
Reach down through hell, grab the rope at its height.
Pull up! Muster that much merciful might
To bring your hand to my cheek, touch my face;
Close the distance between our lips and erase
Battle born scars from this unending fight,
Bleak miseries of perpetual night,
The pain, all the pain, with your true embrace.
The distance between your lips and mine
Could pave all roads from here to paradise.
A kind word would pay the ferryman’s price.
Forgiveness would cover over the line
Drawn in the sand of my mind funneled through
Forgetfulness that is swallowing you.
State of Grace
Here there is a home on each street for all
The gangsters and thieves, the orphans in need,
The homeless, diseased, distressed folk who plead
For the change to give a lost love a call.
The gutters catch every last tear to fall,
Sweeps them away so that everyone’s freed,
Takes along with them all hatred and greed,
To another place suited for such pall.
This is where gifts grow from the dark soil
Without all the toil and dying fruit
Once needed to germinate and set root,
The residence of the Grim Reaper’s foil.
Undeserved joys fall like rain in this place;
Welcome, beloved, to this state of grace.
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thefierywrath reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoy your poetry. I could definitely see in in a book of poetry. This is very publishable material. I hope to read more.
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CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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Definatly publishable in a magazine. Maybe a few structure reworks, but nothing that detracts from the whole. The message was conveyed clearly, and I felt that it was complete. The intermittent use of rhyme I feel does nothing to reduce the excellence of the poem. Overall, a great work. I enjoyed it.
EES reviewed Version 1 -
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I normally do not reveiw poems that are this long because I feel like the point of a poem is to condense a story and make each word strong and meaningful, but the topic intrigued me so I thought that I would give it a go.
I am not sure what to think of your inclusivness in this poetry. I feel like you are talking about a group of people that I am not a part of. In fact you are talking about a group of people to which I do not belong. Maybe it would work better if you spoke of YOUR expierence… I am not sure if I am adequatly saying what I mean, but yeah… I hope that you understand.
It got a little boring. I think it had more to do with me not being able to relate than the actually writing which was pretty good, though.
Nice,
Have fun,
Erin
Fenvy reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say that I was very intimidated from reading your sonnets. After a third read, I was completely moved. The emotion you’re able to evoke is incredible! Although the elipses in your first sonnet confused me a bit, I realized that they kind of resembled, to me, tears, or a period of crying, it kinda goes agains the form, but as writers we have the right to mess with forms. Your imagery is simple and very well described in all three sonnets, especially in the third. There really isn’t something to point out, I think that it is very well constructed, it’s solid work. =]
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Outstanding choice of form here, and very well executed. I’m really quite impressed, but I do have some thoughts…
Depression:
Line 9: Use “us” instead of “we” – it’s the object of a preposition and not the subject. Line 10: Excise “here” – this will help the flow. Line 11: “threads” is too big a word for an unaccented syllable here. Perhaps you could say “fraying”? The rhythm in line 12 leaves something to be desired. The final couplet doesn’t quite answer its own question, but it is beautiful in its simplicity.
Interstate:
Line 8: rather than repeating the pain, perhaps you could use something else to polish the rhythm on this line. I like how the last quatrain bleeds into your final couplet here.
Grace:
This is your best sonnet of the 3, and as such its placement at the end is appropriate. However, the penultimate line has too many syllables. It is beautiful, though, and overall supremely crafted.
The whole poem was a joy to read – excellent work. Your themes were well developed, and the content rang very true. Polishing the meter a bit will really make this shine. Keep writing!
zahir reviewed Version 1 -
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All three lovely; I think I would’ve liked to see them separate. Each could stand on its own; particularly the first.
I see now that you do love sonnets; is it the “order out of chaos” for you, too? (that’s why I dabble in some of those very difficult forms).
I am still most moved by the first of the three. Have you considered having them reviewed individually?
January 06, 2007
Deleted User
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This was a really good poem, describing the three diffrent states of emotion.
You actuallt hit a really good subject for me to relate to, in my case because of manic depression not a loss of a lover or loved one.
But it really meant more to me, when talking about a subject. When you can understand what that person means and to see where their personally coming from.
But yes a good poem, maybe after the first paragraph especially, you could of tried to arange the words to fit a bit better to rhyme.
But that’s just my own personal view.
Anyway great poem.
R.
barbeecain reviewed Version 1 -
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absolutely stunning. I love the progression of the three. I gave it a 10 because it was beautifully written and it’s message was clear :)
ynksplaya9 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an awesome poem. I love the whole thing. The 1st paragraph is really descriptive. Hope to see more like this. Great job!
Lena17 reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh my god…this was so, so beautiful. It moved me to tears. I’m serious! Your use of words, your rhythm, your storytelling ability, your imagery--it’s all completely genius! I can’t really find the words to say just how magnificent this was; it sounds cheesy, but if I could score it 100, I would! God, I wish more than anything I could write the way you do--in that way that just captures and moves people. I know, I know, it sounds really stupid!! But just don’t ever stop writing—you have a real gift, and you have something great to give to the world. You are a true artist. I would love to read more! Thanks!
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